Bitter Old Maid in Brooklyn - Sweet is a Treat, but Bitter is Better

Miss Me Much?

2008-03-04T20:45:00.001-05:00

I've missed you too puddings. I've been doing fabulous things with my fabu life and haven't actually had time to sprinkle you with vitriol, though you were on my mind.

As Ahnold said- I'll be back.

As you were....

Gestation Sensation

2008-01-08T08:16:00.000-05:00

In what is truly a measure of the miracles of modern science, everyone's favourite living, breathing wax statue Nicole Kidman is with child. La Kidman, [who in The Golden Compass has proven effectively for once and for all that her acting skills much like Sampson were dependent on her once resplendent mane] and hunky and highlighted hubby Keith [they tried to make me go to rehab and I said great career move]Urban are expecting their first sprog sometime this summer.

Never one to cast aspersions on Hollywood proclivities towards disposable children, but doesn't anyone else feel just a wee bit sad for original adopted kids Connor and Isabella, who have to take a giant step back now that Nicole and Tom are reproducing on their own? Just saying.

As you were....

This Museum Is The Pitts -

2008-01-08T08:04:00.000-05:00

- Brad Pitt's. No really, Brad's hometown of Springfield, Missoreh (the new official armPitt of America?) is creating an official shrine to the actor best known for pretending to be not only an architect but also a multi-hued adoptive wannabe local saint.

Susan Wade, head of PR for the town, says, "Springfield is very Midwestern and family oriented. We're glad to have Brad as part of our history and culture. In fact, we need a Brad Pitt Museum."

Did you hear that? That was the sound of the last nail being hammered into the coffin of viable American pop culture.

In related news Angelina Jolie is planning on adopting a town in Missouri and naming it after herself. Not really- but you know she would if she could.

As you were....

Jackson is the new Tyler

2008-01-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

As the naming of Poppy Montgomery's new cherub proves, Jackson is the overwhelmingly popular name of choice in the three and under set. New baby Jackson Phillip Kaufman joins the ranks of similarly monikered teeter totter tyrants world-wide.

As you were

Cashmere Mafia- Of Moths And Men

2008-01-07T08:03:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes you're driving blithely along along the highway and from a great distance you see the blinking lights of what appears to be a really bad car wreck? As you get closer you see it's going to be a really big pile-up. You promise yourself you're not going to look. Not even for a minute. And you do. And you're grossed out. And depressed. And you slow down and shake your head in amazement that something so horrible and painful is so incredibly public. And then you're depressed for the rest of the day...

Well, that's the Cashmere Mafia - and it almost makes me wish the writer's strike had started sooner.

No engaging characters. Gotta love the great friends here too- hey! did you know you're husband was cheating on you? Well, we did! and in the spirit of Spice Girls inspired girl power we're going to tell you about it just seconds before you win an award! Because we're girlfriends girlfriend! And even though we're CEOs in FIVE INCH HEELS we have time for lunch and drinks and dinner and gossipy texts. Because we're CEOs. In FIVE INCH HEELS.

Sex and the City was depressing and unrealistic enough, and yet women embraced it as the holy grail of being single. Cashmere Mafia is depressing and unrealistic- but hopeless too - just what you want from your chick shit entertainment. Not. Husband cheating? Well, why not make an impassioned declaration in front of your friends to remain married to the bastard 'cuz you just hate being single. Makes sense to me.

Here's the Cliff Notes version:

Darren Star likes making TV series about women that are really about gay men.
Pat Fields has really hideous taste.
Lucy Liu needs to be force fed a cheeseburger. And some fries.

'Nuff Said.

As you were...

Bad News/Good News/Celebrity Wedded Blues

2007-12-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

The bad news is that the formerly dishy Josh Duhamel is engaged to that sorta tranny looking Fergie. I say formerly dishy because as soon as Joshy hooked up with pee in my pants in public 'cuz I'm all drugged up/I have more Botox than a Hollywood Wife and creepy piercings/and a serious dearth of actual musical talent but lots of hair extensions Fergie, he slid waaaaaaay down on the cute-o-meter.

That said Brendan Fraser is free! Um, because he and his wife are divorcing. Which is sad, because he seems like a nice guy. Also, he seems half gay- is he?

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are divorcing too which is good news for Robin, because Sean is careening towards crazytown™ in a big way. And his hair looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. And his movies suck. And he's pompous. And- here, you fill in the blanks now_____________________.

Ain't love grand?

And The Publicist Says..

2007-12-26T09:27:00.000-05:00

As expected, Camp Smith has issued a counter statement to address the outrage over Will Smith's casually tossed off references to Hitler.

Smith's PR says that Smith says: "It is an awful and disgusting lie, It speaks to the dangerous power of an ignorant person with a pen. I am incensed and infuriated to have to respond to such ludicrous misinterpretation." "Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet," read the statement.

Actually Will, it speaks to the dangerous power of a celebrity with a mass audience trying to sound interesting. I find real danger in ignorant celebrities shooting off irresponsibly about major issues and public figures assuming that the press will work overtime to make them look less stupid. For better or worse people look up to you (I know, I can't figure it out either) and tossing off references to mass murdering world figures doesn't endear you to a good portion of your ticket buying audience.

As you were.....

Will Smith And Uneducated, Dangerous Celebrity Opinions

2007-12-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Oh where to begin. It's annoying enough when celebrities tell us to vote or protect the planet, because, um, they're pretty and famous and overpaid and therefore we should trust their opinion on important things like- Oh, I don't know- selecting the commander in chief.

Then you have the dangerously idiotic famous folks, who are so used to spewing daily inanities that they then try on major world events and historical tragedies for size, and try to give them a capped tooth grin and feel good spin. The latest in that category would be the former Fresh Prince who is mostly stale and to be blunt, dangerously stupid.

Smith recently tried to make nice to the reputation of one of the greatest mass murderers in history Adolph Hitler by declaring that he [Smith] sees the good in everyone, including Hitler.

"Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘Let me do the most evil thing I can do today.’ I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good.’ Stuff like that just needs reprogramming,” Smith told the Daily Record.

Will, and how exactly to you "reprogram" the calculated mass murder and internment of six million Jews- men, women and children, not to mention homosexuals, gypsies or anyone deemed to be degenerate by the Nazi regime? Oh, and I don't know how to break it to you, but you might want to check the history books to see just how fond your buddy Hitler was of black athletes in the 1936 Olympics.

If I wasn't so infuriated by his idiotic statement, I'd be somewhat disturbed to read his quasi Scientologist use of the word "reprogramming."

Will Smith- you're an idiot, and sadly because you're such a famous face, you're in fact a dangerous idiot. Time for you and your Scientology dipped crew to step away from the limelight. The world has enough miseducation, racism and Holocaust deniers without your feeding fuel to that fire. One imagines that you suspect that those misguided men who wear pointy white hats and burn crosses are equally in need of "reprogramming."

As you were.

Knocked Up

2007-12-20T06:03:00.000-05:00

A new round of pregnancies is rocking Hollywood and frankly, it makes me yearn for words like 'Childless by choice.'

So even if you operate under the assumption that even the tweeniest of celebs lie about their age by a year or two, what's the oldest that hoochie-in-training met her baby daddy in church Jamie Lynn Spears can be- 17 1/2? And already she's in the family way, as in following the esteemed path of her older train wreck of a sister. Thankfully, the powers that be have put Momma Lynne Spears book on parenting tips on permanent hiatus.

As for you Lily 'I'm in a rebound relationship/my career is moving rapidly towards the crapper/I can't keep the weight off so I might as well gain some legally' Allen, why? why oh why do you think a baby is in any way shape or form a good career or life move for you? Couldn't you just assume the mantle of one hit wonderness graciously and leave us about our business? The thought of you materni-frocking it makes me shiver in advance fear.

And you Jessica 'hot but talentless' Alba, did you not notice that it is in fact you who are the 'cash' cow in your relationship and not your named in Vegas boyfriend Cash Warren? What could you have been thinking? Oh, that Aguilera girl got all the headlines, I'll try gestational headline grabbing tactics and see where it takes me?

Sarah Silverman's mama-logue for next year's MTV awards just wrote itself.

As you were.....

The Biggest Bigamist

2007-12-17T09:51:00.001-05:00

Oh poo, don't hate me because I haven't been a dutiful blogger. I'm trying to take care of some last minute life emergencies and being amusing to thousands of strangers on a daily basis sadly fell by the wayside for a bit. I promise to be more faithful in the future. And just in case I'm not more faithful as promised, there is a little something called archives you know!

A 26 year old Miami woman has apparently been accused of marrying 10 men.
At the same time.
For those of us who have a bit of hardship getting even one man to commit we beseech you Eunice Lopez, to tell us your secret.

"I can tell you that none of the individuals she married had any type of residency," said Terry Chavez, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade office of the state attorney.

Prosecutors say she charged her husbands an unspecified amount to help them secure immigration status and continued asking the men for money long after the wedding, threatening to expose them if they didn't pay.

So you mean all we have to do to woo these single studs is dangle a green card in front of them? Tres romantique.

Ain't love grand?

J.R. on Jdate

2007-12-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a dizzying week of lowbrow and, um, lowerbrow.

Britney's maybe baby daddy music producer J.R. Rotem has been discovered to have a profile on JDate, that online bastion of Jewish men unable to commit and their optimistic counterparts looking for a JMate. Did you ever notice how all the women are relentlessly perky, cordon bleu chefs, can easily rock a little black dress or faded jeans and they all *Love To Laugh*? Personally, I'd love to string up the first moron to coin that phrase. In fact, I do believe that anyone who ever uses the expression loves to laugh should be banished to New Jersey.

That said, Rotem has an equally annoying profile which reads this way. Original ad in italics, my comments in parentheses:

“Hey girls… Congrats for stumbling onto my profile - you just hit the jackpot! (if in fact your definition of hitting the jackpot involves a sleazy Hollywood hanger on) I am Jonathan, an established music producer who is having a challenging time meeting a hot Jewish girl (because I'm shtupping that used up Britney girl) with good values (who would likely choose not to date me if she did in fact possess said values). The success and visibility I have earned in the music industry keeps me surrounded by the wrong girls (gold diggers, cheap chicks, wannabe artists looking to use a guy like me for a music career, money, fame, etc - er, that was J.T.'s comment-though he seems to favor only cheap chicks ) Some personality traits that seperate [sic] me from most of the people I know in Los Angeles is a high moral code (Sorry, I hit my head on the keyboard there for a minute as I collapsed on the floor laughing) of honesty and loyalty. I would never cheat or lie to anyone I’m with (Unless it was Britney) as I believe in treating others as you would want to be treated. I think that those values (well, by values I mean that you can put a pricetag on anything) are the fundamental part of establishing a meaningful relationship. That, and intense physical attraction (attraction to the spotlight, non?) …”

One imagines then that Rotem using that walking car wreck Britney for his own nefarious purposes until he meets his own little Yentl is perfectly acceptable.

As you were....

Breast Intentions

2007-12-05T05:55:00.000-05:00

Whoever said that porn stars don't have hearts of gold beating under their implants was wrong gosh darn it! Pornista turned political wannabe (is there really a difference?) Mary Carey, who sorta/kinda resembles Mariah Carey and ran for office against Arnold Schwarzenegger is auctioning off her autographed breast implants for charity.

Now, Carey admits to being anti-surgery, so much so that she replaced the removed 36D implants with 36DDDs. But wait. There's more. Any monies raised will be split between the Susan Komen breast cancer foundation, and paying off her mother's medical bills (incurred after porn mom jumped out of a window). Carey's altruism knows no bounds "I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

Sorry. I had to wipe away a tear.
This scintillating bit of non news was brought to you courtesy of Reuters, no really.

As you were.....

The Grinch That Stole Hanukkah

2007-12-05T05:35:00.001-05:00

Does anyone actually care about what Christopher Hitchens has to say about the holidays? Yes Chris (you might want to change that first name you know, it has all kinds of religious connotations- Karl might work better for you sweetie) we get that it's all a bunch of hokum and opiate for the masses, why belabor your point? (over and over and over and then over again.)

Hitchens' latest rant on Slate attacks Hanukkah/Chanukah, the most pleasant of Jewish holidays- you know, the one where you don't have to fast or beg for forgiveness, but rather eat chocolate coins and exchange gifts. Hitchens' argument is basically flawed and berates the ancient Jews for not having capitulated to the Greek way of life- um, at the point of a sword there Chrissie, Jihadism through culture - in case you didn't notice. I'm guessing you won't be rejecting your rejection of all organized religion simply to evolve from a curmudgeonly one trick pony to an evolved human being now either?

Hitchens has become as boring as Shalom Auslander, he of the mutilated foreskin and single minded commentary on his misbegotten youth, who once made us laugh, but now makes us yawn or cringe depending on if he's ranting about his life or his relationship with his father. We get it Shalom, it doesn't work for you- time to move on.

While we're on the Festival of Lights bandwagon, you might want to check out a kinder, gentler skewing courtesy of Laura Zigman on *we don't pay our writers, but we still consider ourselves a legitimate news resource* blog Huffington Post.

My advice for this crowd is to step away from the menorah. They'd never skewer Diwali or Kwanzaa, for fear of offending an easily offended audience, but instead retread tired and inaccurate arguments to make inaccurate points. Chris- you're sooooo going to be getting coal in your stocking this year.

As you were....

And The Winner Is....

2007-12-04T13:52:00.000-05:00

Who the hell knows? Reminiscent of the Marisa Tomei debacle and the did she/didn't she really win the Oscar for 'My Cousin Vinny,' California beauty pageants have a lot of 'splainin to do. It would seem that an accounting error was responsible for California crowning and then frowning upon initial Miss California winner Christina Silver, until judges discovered that someone called Raquel Beezley was the actual winner. Then again, the website offers congratulations to someone named Meagan Tandy, so it would seem that Cali beauty pageants are making like Hugh Hefner and choosing three fluffy females for the price of one. Um, not that anyone actually cares about beauty pageants- but if we did, we'd be amused by this one.

Additional kudos of the dubious variety go to Lindsay Lohan who was crowned Hollywood's dumbest person by the Daily News in direct response to Entertainment Weekly's list of the smartest people in Hollywood. I could go into a rant about how oxymoronic all of this is, but I think it would be easier and more fun if you draw the conclusions on your own.

Uh huh.
Yup.
You're right.

As you were.....

Celebrity Navel Gazing

2007-12-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

The blogosphere has frequently been accused of spawning a generation of users who do nothing more than elaborate and yawn inducing navel gazing. Well, add boring celebrity by default Elizabeth Hasselbeck to the mix. Apparently, Hasselbeck is so desperate for mommy and me type material, that she recently blogged about her baby son's belly button. Hasselbeck regaled her [tightly]rapt audience with tidbits that included finding her son's belly button cord on the floor and being unsure if she should save it- or vacuum it up.

Now keep in mind that while the writer's strike rages on, somewhere, somehow this woman is actually compensated for writing this crap.

As you were....

But Are His Hands Soft?

2007-11-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

You'll soon be able to replace your battery operated boyfriends with a full sized version.

Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, recently unveiled Twendy-One, an E.T. lookalike robot that has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch. T.On can also pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot. For this price tag the robot put toast on a plate and fetched ketchup from a fridge when asked, after greeting its patient for the demonstration with a robotic "good morning" and "bon appetit."

Ultimately the robot will become an assistant to the ill for elderly, but for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.

"The robot is so complicated that even for us, it's difficult to get it to move," Sugano said.

So to recap: It has soft hands, helps get ketchup, says "good morning" and "bon apetit" and has approximately 15 minutes run time before overheating. Sounds like my boyfriend.

I don't know about you, but for about 15 bucks and two AA batteries you can have a mechanical friend that's cheaper, easier to use and and a lot more reliable.

As you were....

Who's Their Daddy?

2007-11-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

Details Magazine has officially veered wildly away from vague hip territory and into full fledged tabloid status in naming Kevin Federline one of their “50 Most Influential Men Under 45.″ Cover boy K.Fed ranked No. 7 on the magazine’s list, along other paternal luminaries such as Larry Birkhead, the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy. One shudders to imagine just who exactly these 5o men are supposed to be influencing.

Details editor in chief Dan Peres gushed “Here is the person who people think of as this universal joke, who has oddly emerged as father of the year,” he continued “The kids would go running to him and were very warm and very well behaved.” The Fedster modestly declared "To be a father is … everything. It shows me how little I am.”

I'm sure that Shar Jackson, the woman who was 7 months pregnant with Federline's child when he left her for Spears kinda sorta agrees- with the latter statement.

I for one cannot contain my excitement in anticipation of Details 50 tastemakers - I'm guessing that O.J. Simpson and Hitler wannabe Achmadinijad will be jockeying for top spot.

As you were....

Bindi Raps. The Rest Of Us Gag.

2007-11-26T08:24:00.000-05:00

Terri Irwin have you learned nothing from Dina Lohan? Ye Gods woman, your little snapper Bindi, is barely over grieving the loss of her croc hunting father and you've already got this pig tailed tot white girl rapping on the Today show? (with backup dancers The Crocmen, no less). For shame.

In what might be the single most gag reflex challenging stage mother orchestrated stunt, little Bindi Irwin has taken on a new career- this at the tender age of nine. Irwin the tiny is set to release a new hip-hop single next week called "Trouble in the Jungle" with the fairly awful refrain of : "I'm afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me, There’s trouble in the jungle/there’s trouble in the jungle/ We find that mankind is not so kind at all."

I'm afraid of stage mothers who pimp their youngsters for a chance of reflected glory. Let the kid be a kid and maybe try something radical for a change Terri, like I don't know, your own career perhaps? Mkay?

As you were....

Even More Sex In This City

2007-11-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

Did you hear that? That was the sound of me finally packing my suitcases to move out of town.

Everyone's favorite celebutard Paris Hilton has announced that she's leaving L.A. in the hopes of meeting an eligible man in N.Y.C. Now the logic does kinda, sorta fit. I mean, New York has been described at the town where men consider a BJ to be the social equivalent of a handshake, in that regard, Ms. Hilton should be rather adept at networking and making new friends - probably at the same time.

To further add to the barfosity of the situation, it would seem that [slums of] Paris has her [color enhanced contact lens wearing] eye set on a 4,500 square foot, four bedroom 6 1/2 bath condo at Trump Park Avenue, with an asking price of $7.8 million. Did you happen to catch that 6 1/2 bathroom thang? At least she realizes she's as full of crap as the rest of us already suspected.

As you were....

Things I'm Thankful For...

2007-11-23T09:26:00.000-05:00

As I slowly emerge from my tryptophan induced Thanksgiving turkey coma, I realize that there's a lot that I have to be really and truly grateful for- and not in an Oprah shilling her favorite gifts/best advertisers sort of a way.

In no particular order I'm thankful that:

I don't have a mother in law - my mother always told me to marry an orphan and based on what I've seen of my friends' mothers in law this seems like a very wise suggestion.

I don't have a husband sitting on the couch, scratching his nether regions after indulging in too much stuffing and before indulging in too much televised sports.

I won't be near any retail emporiums today and can easily avoid the insane rush to retail and urge to purchase ugly items at bizarre discounts.

On a weepier note and by a really strange twist of fate, this past week I reconnected with the first boy that I ever really loved. We connected over a tragedy in his life. He's married to a former high school foe, apparently she hates me still- but that isn't the aforementioned tragedy. They lost a child last year, and while I only just heard about it, I felt that I had to contact them. I sent her a note, then him. She's not yet responded. He e-mailed me, then we e-mailed some more and then somehow at midnight we ended up talking on the phone for hours. He sounded young and funny and still had the accent that I'd lost so many years ago. He wanted to meet up, we both realized that even after all of the years, it probably wasn't safe or wise for us to be in such close physical proximity.

He was in town seeing to an ill parent. I'm in town because somehow after all of my globe trotting I ended up back where I grew up, because I'm lazy or comfortable or feel safe or anonymous here. What was weirdest isn't how we've changed over all of these years, but how nearly two decades after I broke his heart, he still sees and remembers the best parts of me. It's almost eerie to know that someone loved who I was, and that someone was strong and knew what she wanted and spoke her mind- even if I didn't know I was already or still becoming that person.

It's made me rethink things. It's made me wonder why I always fall for the wrong men, including the new boyfriend who drinks too much and has the social skills of someone on death row. It makes me wonder how I forgot that I was and am still lovable, and that men who want to change me usually can't handle me. On some awful level, I've come to accept men treating me badly, or loving men incapable of loving me back.

I finally remembered that someone once loved me as deeply as I loved them, and neither of us was scared of the depth of the emotion, and that somewhere we love each other still, under all of the grimy layers of disappointment and life.

I promise to make you laugh next time you visit, I'll just have to stop crying first.

As you were...

The Ick Factor +Celebrity Panty Drive

2007-11-21T07:52:00.001-05:00

The first shock was when we discovered that Christina Aguilera was pregnant- no! surely you jest! we thought that tummy was a result of too many burritos. Now just in case you still thought that the over the top Xtina was a tranny under all of that spackle, The civic minded mother to be was determined to present compelling proof otherwise. She displayed her should be kept private privates in the way of a most elegant panty-less night out on the town with husband Jordan Bratman.

Oh where to begin? Christina, we never thought you were sexy, just sleazy and screechy-- though professionally a lot savvier than your knicker-less, equally fertile Mickey Mouse counterpart Britney.

But what's with the famous females very public fatwa on undies? We know you're feeling fat and frumpy, but please, we don't want to see your lady garden- not now, not ever.

Could it be that like the newly broke Lindsay Lohan, Xtina has spent all her money on hair color and high heels and is now actually too broke to afford panties? If that is the case then I propose that this holiday season while we gather around in our soon to be foreclosed on family homesteads we all remember what we should be thankful for- celebrities of minimal talent but maximum mockability.

During this season of giving thanks, we must be grateful for talents so mediocre that we can save ourselves thousands of dollars annually on music purchases and concert tickets. I propose that we start a non profit dedicated to providing our favorite female celebrities with undergarments - we can call it Panties for Popstars.

As you were....

Looey Vooey Lawsuit

2007-11-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

Poor Brit Brit. As if her life couldn't get any more tragic, what with the bad hair and worse taste in men, (What? You thought I'd tread on Sarah Silverman territory and mention those poor babies?) according to the AP, luxury goods manufacturer Louis Vuitton has just won a lawsuit that alleged a Britney Spears video violated counterfeiting laws by showcasing a faux pink Vuitton-upholstered dashboard.

A Paris civil court ordered Sony BMG and MTV Online to stop broadcasting or marketing the Brit vid for "Do Something" in any form and fined them 80,000 euros ($117,000) apiece, a spokeswoman for Paris-based Louis Vuitton said Monday. The ruling was handed down last week.

The court did not find Spears herself guilty but ruled that Sony BMG and MTV Online were guilty of violating counterfeiting laws. The ruling said the video constituted an "attack" on Louis Vuitton's brands and its luxury image, the spokeswoman said.

That would be the same brand that during WWII collaborated with the Nazis and had a very image conscious sign at the entrance of the flagship store in Paris that said "No dogs. No Jews," right?

As You Were....

MSNBC Is A Bitter Old Maid- In A Good Way

2007-11-20T09:26:00.000-05:00

Their priceless headline about the high price of gold affecting holiday gift buying is:

Gold diggers may not get jewelry for holidays

The article then goes on to talk about gold being over $800.00 an ounce and how this is pricing some hopeful gift buying Romeos out of the market. Luckily, we fabulous old maids buy our own trinkets and don't rely on the once a year bauble round-up. And no, we don't need you to declare right hand rings acceptable to us, we've already got arm loads full.

As You Were....

NYgirlofmydreamshelpmescoreamoviedeal

2007-11-18T10:09:00.000-05:00

In what was surely not a manufactured ploy to get invitations to parties and/or a movie deal, nor to pimp their respective employers companies, you will be shocked, nay absolutely flabbergasted to discover that Patrick Moberg the line drawing boy who saw a girl on the subway and then lost and then found her, is according to Valleywag in talks to sell the movie rights to his story!
I know!
I'm shocked too!
Did I say shocked?!!!
Amazed!
Prone to many exclamation points to express the sheer transparency of this obvious ploy to extend 15 seconds of fame!!!

Actually, mostly yawning at the predictability of the plot and mourning for a flick like Desperately Seeking Susan that actually had some grit and humor.

Don't you just hate these self important hipsters who crowd our subways and lay claim to our favored neighborhood haunts all the while posing and posturing and earnestly talking about web 2.0 and dreaming of appearances on Good Morning America? Of course you do - you're reading this blog.

Wait. Let's start a new campaign to get them back to Ohio -something like Cincinnati is the new Brooklyn.
No you're right, that will never work.
What about Cleveland is the new Portland? Hmmm. No that's not going to work either.

Okay. work with me on this one. In the meanwhile-
Ain't Love Grand?

Angels In Hollywood

2007-11-16T08:19:00.000-05:00

Just in case you thought that Hollywood had any real criteria left for celebrity status or even the tiniest scrap of dignity left- the chintzy city has proven you wrong.

Earlier this week, 26 Victoria's Secret lingerie models were honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame - for, um, modeling the tiniest scraps of dignity.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing young women publicly lauded for their work efforts- just not for their implants.

Head angel Heidi Klum profoundly summed up the significance of the event by gushing about honorary Mayor Johnny Grant "Mr. Mayor is such a cutie — what a cutie! I love him," this is just the hugest honor. We love Mr. Mayor, Victoria's Secret and we love being Angels!"

The 87 year old Grant responded in his most non revolting dirty old man fashion by stating "Oh, I've checked you out very well, "I've been looking at pictures of you in lingerie for a long time..."

Teacher says every time you hear a bell ring- a Victoria's Secret angel gets new boobs.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Call Off The National Guard

2007-11-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

You'll be relieved to know that when Jessica Simpson flew into NYC this time she was escorted by only one bodyguard. As you may recall, the last time the Simpson sister with the fake lips not a fake nose flew into JFK, she sashayed through the airport accompanied by a six person military detail.

Now I've been giving this a lot of thought, and it occurs to me that we the unsuspecting populace should be issued our own teams- to protect ourselves from the onslaught of famous for no reason/ famous by default contingent.

Where's FEMA when you need them?

As You Were.....

Stars [barely] Behind Bars

2007-11-16T07:44:00.000-05:00

Just in case you've been fretting that our justice system is all out of whack, you'll sleep better knowing that very scary criminal types like Lindsay Lohan are paying their debts to society.

People reports that LiLo served a 24-hour jail sentence- in a record 84 minutes due to early release policy. As part of her plea deal she'll also be required to contribute ten days of community service at an Americans Red Cross blood services facility. Which means that we'll probably have to suffer through a public service announcement of LiLo looking all kinds of serious, urging us to donate blood.

So here's where I take further offense to the system.
Linz drinks.
Linz drives.
Linz drives drunk (or was that a Hilton or a Richie? maybe both) gets caught, spends less time behind bars than theatergoers spent suffering through Georgia Rule, and now we will eventually have to pay the price by watching PSAs urging us to give blood or vote or stop taking crack?

Where's the justice in that?

As You Were....

Change Your Name Stave Off Divorce Rumors- For At Least Another Week

2007-11-15T10:57:00.000-05:00

Let's make like the Scooby gang and piece together some celebrity clues Buffy style:

Sarah Michelle Gellar is Maxim magazine's woman of the year - ergo, young beer bongers and social neanderthals still find her to be hot!
SMG will be in 3 new movies this year, and plays a porn star in one of them
Mr. SMG, Freddie Prinze Jr. can't seem to cut a break on TV or in movies and as of late bears an eerie resemblance to Wayne Newton
Gossipy types are reporting henceforth, the vampire slayer formerly known as Ms. Gellar will now be known as Sarah Michelle Prinze- this as a 5th anniversary gift to her hubby.

Now, it's been a while since the rumor mills have been talking about divorce for these two, but I'd wager that things are teetering on precarious territory and/or Sarah just wants to appear all wifey and married and stuff, and what better way to do that than with a name change?

Though if I was going to change my name I'd probably lose the Michelle and keep the Gellar.

Ain't Love Grand?

Publicists Gone Wild

2007-11-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

File this one under 'O' for over the top publicists trying to eclipse their clients .

Publicist Michele Elyzabeth (who has obviously been hit with both the crazy stick and the Botox stick) has apparently decided to singlehandedly provide the viewing public with her antidote to the writer's strike in the form of a video rant against media-lite figures like Joy Behar and Barbara Walters of The View.

Elyzabeth, who represents the equally excitable Heather Mills, has released a new video blog on which she takes on all those bad, nasty ladies who said mean things about Heather.

Highlights include:

**After an appearance on The View, Mills had to rush home to be with her daughter and could not do the requisite ass kissing, I mean interviews, or according to Elyzabeth 'social work.' See, so that's why the former Lady McCartney thinks she's so freakin' charitable, if being interviewed on the View is akin to social work, well then, I guess being on Dancing With The Stars is actually treading on Mother Teresa territory.
**Elyzabeth refers to Joy Behar as a "horrible human being" and declares that Barbara Walters is something of a "storyteller of a tabloid magazine." I won't necessarily argue that second point, but I'd never make it in supposed defense of a client who refers on the goodwill of said tabloid.

Anyway, there was much talk of saint Heather, and "someone as big as she is" not having an ego and all.

Now, I may not be a publicist, but I do know a thing or two about good publicity:

Never make your client look like a gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex
If you do in fact make your client look like a gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex, never release a video blog in which you make yourself, your pooch and your dubious PR buddy look even more psycho than your gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex client.

I think we've all learned something here today.

As You Were...

Grab Some Smelling Salts Before Your Read This...

2007-11-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

In truly tragic news for gold digging spinsters everywhere, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that that Google founding billionaire Larry Page, is getting married to girlfriend Lucinda Southworth in a matter of weeks.

Now to quell your gag reflex for a moment, bear in mind that Southworth is not your standard geeky zillionaire arm candy, but holds a master's of science from Oxford University and is currently a doctoral student in biomedical informatics at Stanford University.

In May, the other Google billionaire Sergey Brin, married his longtime girlfriend, proving that in fact the (obscenely wealthy) geek does get the girl. Seriously, can't these boys do anything alone?

A moment of silence please for all of our collective dashed hopes and fortune filled fantasies.

Ain't Love Grand?

Required Feeding

2007-11-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

Reuters Oslo reports that "Norway's largest erotic chain store was forced to change the labeling on products such as penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body paint, to comply with Norwegian food regulations."

I love this story on so many levels.

Now, where shall I begin?

Is it the fact that Norway in fact has an erotic chain store? I'm giggling as I envision really bad puns for store names like Ho Depot or Ball-Mart.

Maybe it's the fact that there is someone who collects a paycheck for analyzing the ingredients on penis pasta and declaring them to be, um, inedible by Norwegian standards.

"We were a bit surprised to have the food safety authority on inspection. Food is not really our core product," Kjersti Antonsen, a sexual adviser in the store, told a top tabloid.

Huh, ya think? You mean horny and hungry Norwegians don't actually pop over to their neighborhood erotic-arias for a nutritious and delicious penis pasta salad followed by a fun and tasty round of tasty chocolate body painting? And how do I get a job as a sexual adviser? And what does her business card look like? But I digress.

The food safety authority also said the store also breached rules of importing erotic candy, which should be reported to authorities at least 24 hours before arrival. Yeah. Right. We always ask them to warn us first- but they never ever do.

As you were...

Bring Sexy Back - Pretty Please

2007-11-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

People magazine, required reading for MINLFs (the 'N' in this case stands for never) in the fly-over zones has declared Matt Damon to be the sexiest man alive for 2007 - this after great "campaigning" by the likes of George Clooney and #4 on the list-Brad Pitt. But wait, nipping at his heels is that sometimes cute, but mostly annoying Patrick Dempsey. Actually, come to think of it the top 10 seems to be mostly populated by craggy or pretty Hollywood daddy types with the exception of the delectable James McAvoy.

Now let's put this into perspective for a moment. An Australian newspaper recently reported on the politicians that women would most like to see naked (Thank god this wasn't an option when Al Gore was running for office). Parents magazine recently had a poll on which candidates would make the best babysitters. I guess in the realm of idiotic polls or lists, these half sexy mostly manufactured screen idols could sorta, kinda make it to the top 10 list of sexiest men alive.

Hmmm. What about sexiest dead men?

Well, to start with the literary world mourns the recent deaths of Ira Levin, author of pregnancy panic novel Rosemary's Baby and yet another reason never to get married book The Stepford Wives, nah he'd never make the list because he had more talent than looks. Recently deceased Norman Mailer set early feminists aflutter with his offensive to them statements on making sex sexy again. Nah, he was too hardcore for a glossy mag.

Okay. I'm not having much luck with these polls today, so I'll just start a new one- who would you actually vote for sexiest man alive? Preferably one who hasn't been airbrushed or been spotted in a man girdle or butt booster. (yes G.C. - I'm looking at your fine ass).

As You Were....

More Than Just A Pretty Face

2007-11-11T08:20:00.000-05:00

According to the Evening Echo Jessica Alba, an actress best known for being decorative, has declared that she is desperate to be known as more than a pretty face.

The actress revealed that she wants to be known as being smart. "Underneath, I'd prefer to be known for something else, like being tough or being smart. It makes me feel more confident to know I can hold my own in a fight than it does to look in the mirror and think I look beautiful."

Um, then you'd better start practicing that Krav Maga hon, cuz last I checked you have to actually be smart to be considered smart. I know in the movies all you have to do is don a pair of designer specs to play the smart girl, but real life actually relies on real knowledge- go figure!

Score one for the smart girls.

As You Were....

Delicious Or Annoying

2007-11-08T09:36:00.001-05:00

My little plum puddings, I have not intentionally been neglecting you, I've been on the road for a while.

Likes of the day are Tina Fey and Julia Louis Dreyfuss, picketing with the plebes. Upping in my estimation would be Nicolette Sheridan who made a well thought out and sympathetic statement on behalf of the striking writers.

Way down there would be the Serendipity folks who came up with a $25,000.00 dessert which is lots of expensive chocolate goo with all kinds of gold toppings, diamond dipped spoons and a diamond bracelet at the bottom of the dessert.

Stephen Bruce, owner of Serendipity 3 had this completely non offensive thought on the over the top confection: "I wouldn't be surprised if soon we get a call from a Middle Eastern prince or Shah willing to give something sweet to his many wives on his next trip to the city," Bruce said.

Awww, I wonder if he'd be this gracious to polygamists from our neck of the woods.

I love my chocolate as much as the next permanently PMSed gal in the city, but this takes tackiness to new depths. Next time, just dip my new Tiffany bracelet in some chocolate sauce and we can call it a day.

As You Were....

Bleached Blonde Momma

2007-11-06T09:58:00.000-05:00

Since Xtina hasn't actually announced her pregnancy (other than the mommy remark this week), I can't actually comment on the fact that her roots are as perfectly bleached (and by perfectly- I mean hoochie blonde) as ever.

Just saying.

(Is anyone else actually nauseated by the thought of Christina Aguilera being someone's mother? I know Britney broke us in, bu I do throw up in my mouth just a little every time I think of it)

As You Were....

So Does Anyone Actually Believe That Katie Ran The Marathon?

2007-11-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

Gotta love the triumphant photos of Katie Holmes crossing the finish line of the NYC Marathon on Sunday to hug Tom and that cute little Suri. (yes, I love the kid- get over it, I'm bitter not immune to the charm of babies).

Here are the facts as cobbled together through various sources:

Katie looks all kinds of relaxed at the finish line- not a bead of sweat, expression of agony or even a heavy duty sports bra in sight!
Katie partied later that night- in high heels. Because EVERYONE can squeeze their agonized tootsies into stilettos (okay, a medium heel since she's trying not to tower over her itty bitty hubby) after running 26.2 miles and more than that, they're also up for a party!
No one saw hide nor hair of her until mile 15 when Tom & Suri appeared for a photo op (though OK magazine apparently reported she'd be running weeks before the fact), and Katie's face was hidden from view for most of the time until said photo op. Now that doesn't make me think for even one second that maybe one of those nice Scientology kids was running in Katie's stead for the beginning of the race, nah- that would never happen.

I don't know, maybe I'm just overly skeptical of celebrity stunts, but I so don't believe that she actually ran the entire marathon and it just dilutes it for the (masochistic, insane adrenaline junkies) athletes who trained and deserve the recognition.

Oh, and Paula Radcliffe? We're glad that you won, really. We just still remember that pee break you took at the London Marathon.

As You Were...

Even Lance Bass Got Married Before Me

2007-11-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

I know this isn't brand new news- but the indignity of it all. Lance Bass the openly gay former 'N Sync boy bander who just won't seem to go away, apparently married a woman- because he thought it would get him free drinks. Now, a lot of women have been accused of getting married for a meal ticket, but booze? Shudder. I can't think of any reason less compelling. (though there's a really good chance that I'd marry you if you bought me the zebra print Longchamp Rodeo luxe handbag featured in today's Times) Then again, most people forget that La Elton was married to a woman too, only that seemed to be more to sway public opinion in some way. Oh and Brad and Angie? That flimsy excuse about not getting married until the rules on gay marriage are changed and everyone who wants to get married to can? I'm guessing that if either of your flicks continue to bomb you'll probably have a commitment/mass adoption ceremony in an instant - and of course the multi-million dollar photo fee will go to the charity of your choice.

Ain't Love Grand?

Love Hotels? Now You Can By The Hour

2007-11-05T08:16:00.000-05:00

Love Hotels, those sexy or shady shag by the hour inns prevalent throughout Japan (world capital of schoolgirl groping) are making their way to the U.K.

Now I'm not sure where I stand on this pay by the hour/love in the afternoon thang, but let's operate under the assumption that romance and its kissing cousin chivalry are dead and buried.

Let's also operate under the assumption that the idea of even spending an entire night together has become too much of a commitment for the average guy. Now he can further insult your sensibilities by saying- hey, I'm not even going to spring for an entire night's stay at a hotel, how about we cut to the chase before I decide to avoid you indefinitely and/or dump you by text for chronic fear of commitment.

Okay, maybe I'm a cynic. Perhaps these meccas of mojo are being set up for the cheating bastards to get a little love in the afternoon before doing their duty and joining their families for dinner en famiglia.

Honestly? I don't much care one way or another. Love hotels seems a little creepy and a little fun- like most of the guys that I date.

Ain't Love grand?

Celebrity Misdemeanors 101

2007-11-05T07:56:00.001-05:00

The delectable Shia LaBeouf (yes, I know I'm old enough to be his bitter older sister, but a girl can dream) has been arrested in Chicago.

For trespassing.

In Walgreens.

Now famous people listen up. If you're trying to muss up your image and then seek redemption from the masses, you're probably going to have to glam it up just a teensy bit. Trespassing at Walgreens won't make the teens in Ohio swoon. Now, a nice fistfight over a trampy co-star- that might do it. Seriously, I know that these stories get cleaned up before they're fed to the media, but Shia, sweetheart- you're going to have to try just a teensy bit harder to up your street cred. (Though don't ever try to copy those skeevy Lohan or Spears girls)

As You Were....

Never Let A Famous Person Name Your Baby

2007-11-05T07:32:00.000-05:00

Mila Jovovich has given birth to a baby girl and of all the glorious names in the universe, she's chosen to call her simply 'Ever.' Now it's not as offensive as Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee, you named your son after these lyrics 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'? I for one can't wait to see the tantrums this young 'un throws in a few years) or as hideous as Princess Tiaammi, but it is all kinds of silly- as is our growing fascination with celebrity pregnancies.

In fact, it's been creeping me out as of late how the celebrity news media can analyze a female star's midriff to the extent that an extra french fry at lunch becomes a suspected baby bump. While celebrity babies can definitely be used to rack up the column inches and clean up someone's image (Yes Nicole *famous for no reason* Richie- we're all looking at you) like Christina Aguilera's stoic new push towards celebrity sainthood and J.Lo's giggling non-admission of gestation, they're usually a really smart career move and most excellent photo opportunity. Seriously, in these cases it's usually a case of life imitating art- have a sitcom that's suffering? Add a new baby and you'll schlep it out for at least another season. Nervous that your (insert your favorite vanity project here) won't sell to the masses? Get knocked up and they'll queue up to catch the slightest glimpse of you in your expanding glory.

And, Brangelina, *we're just a normal family* you'll really have to make sure that the paparazzi are more clever with their editing- we can see your slew of nannies and mannies in the background of every pic.

Now leave me alone, I'm off to coo over pictures of Suri Cruise waiting for mom Katie Holmes at the NYC Marathon yesterday.

As You Were....

Naturally Posh! Naturally Thin!

2007-11-02T08:44:00.000-04:00

File this one under G for Give me a break. Everyone's favorite Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, she of the terrifyingly tiny frame and malnourished manner is the latest to jump on the - I don't work out, I just run after my kids and that's why I'm so freakin' trim bandwagon. Apparently, she also skips the gym because it's too darn hard to figure out what to wear (this from the woman who totes a Birkin bag on the soccer field).

“I don’t do anything,” Posh purred. “I’m running around after three kids and they play soccer. They just . . . throw footballs at me and I just stand from left to right and that kind of keeps me fit.”

Victoria lovey, we've seen mothers of three in Britain and the US, and being abnormally anorexic is just not part of the job description.

Don't you wish that for once and for all famous moms would own up to their top three- starvation, implantation and self exploitation?

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers

All You Need Is Bucks....

2007-11-02T08:08:00.000-04:00

Heather Mills (who still insists that she's 39) went off on British and then US television about estranged hubby Sir Paul McCartney and daughter Stella (I'll keep having babies in the hopes that I get more of daddy's money while simultaneously launching unfunky uninteresting yet still strangely compelling fashion lines and noone will notice that I'm only slapping my name on a label and not actually doing much of anything) McCartney.

Mills insists that the marriage fizzled because her former Beatles hubby wasn't as committed to charity as she was, and that she HAD to record all of their conversations because thousands of people depend on her. (Who? the people who voted her off Dancing with the Stars?)

“We’ve had death threats, I was never offered security.” Heather said she was prepared to use tapes of Sir Paul and her speaking to clear her name — because lives depended on her charity work.

She said: “Why do you think I’ve had to record every single conversation? Because nobody will believe me. But I have to clear my name. I’m responsible for thousands of people’s lives, that’s a fact.”

Heather tossed her hair angrily on Brit morning TV and dramatically (lots of hair tossing here) compare herself to Lady Diana and Madeline McCann's parents in terms of pain and suffering caused by the paparazzi. Scroll down and watch the video, it's entertaining if not well acted.

Mills claims there's a lot of evidence stashed in a safe somewhere. Now that I'd like to see.

Sorry one last Heatherism: On ABC’s Good Morning America, Heather said: “He promised he would protect me. I said, ‘If you don’t, my career will be ruined and will have to fight back’. But I’ve never been protected."

See, here's where I have to draw the line- what career?

As You Were...

The Princess Bride Wannabe

2007-11-02T07:52:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if I love or hate advice columns, since the advice in question tends to be so broad based (no pun intended) and over generalized. Dear Prudence on Slate.com tends to be not to trigger my gag reflex for the most part. I'll give you the summarized version of this one, just in case you're not up for reading it- unrealistic woman wants more of a fairytale marriage- Prudie tells her to get a life. Jeez, who knew that the bridezilla phenomenon continued on after the I dos?

From a recent column:

"Dear Prudence,
I have been married for over a year now. I love my husband very much, we enjoy each other's company, and I never worry that he would cheat."
[Stuff about her kid from a previous marriage.] [Stuff about his awful childhood.] [Stuff about him never showing emotion.]

Then this: "He tells me he loves me all the time and that I'm beautiful, but I truly feel that if I left tomorrow, he wouldn't think twice about it. I'm not sure he would fight for me if it came down to it."[More self involved crap] and then: "I want to be needed and loved by him so badly. Am I selfish to want this? Perhaps I am just looking for the fairy-tale love story where the prince would die without his princess. Am I overthinking this, or should I re-evaluate our marriage? I have suggested counseling to him, but he refuses to go."

—Wanting a Prince

And Prudie's reply:

"Dear Wanting,
I think counseling could be a good idea—for you."

Hurrah for Prudie. Now if only she'd take on those engaged banshees we'd be on the right track.

Read the entire answer here.

Ain't Love Grand?

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chrismukkah

2007-11-01T09:29:00.000-04:00

While I'll miss that pouty dreamboat Ryan whateverhislastnamewas, Seth Cohen and the rest of the cuties on The O.C. this season, I'm certain that their fictional selves would be thrilled to know that the holidays are hitting a lot earlier this year. According to the AP yesterday, Halloween is barely over and already big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Toys R Us are starting their sales early and aggressive.

There was a whole lot of blah blah blah in the article about how consumers will benefit from the early sales because the pricing will be more competitive. At least that's what I think it said, my eyes start to cross when assaulted by tinsel this early in the game.

As for me, the only holiday decoration I'd like to see around these parts is a festive garland of Menorah Blahniks.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Scary Halloween Costumes Part 1

2007-11-01T08:49:00.000-04:00

So I meandered down Sixth Avenue early yesterday. Even though it was waaay before the ghosties and ghoulies came out to play, I couldn't help but encounter one of the more terrifying get ups I've ever seen. It was the doppelganger of a single successful NYC male, but the worst cliche of said SSNYCM.

As a single woman in the city, I'm always grateful to spot an example of the SSNYCM in his natural habitat, and trust me- his plumage is always visible. My dream is to someday find a rare specimen that is not only available (no telltale golden markings or coloring encircling his left wedding ring finger) but one who shares my (skewed) faith and is capable of providing birdfeed for our future chicks. Like the elusive baby pigeons that must surely exist- because as adults billions of them converge on the city and crap on our collective well coiffed heads, said Singulus New York Cityus Mannus is mostly an urban myth. Yesterday's example was no doubt the dating fates way of playing a cruel joke on me, probably for years of dating all of those bad for you boys and struggling artistes with middle names like 'Sven' or 'Huck,' but I digress.

The guy that I saw yesterday exhibited classic behavior of the worst SSNYCM. His suit was so rumpled that it was mostly shiny, in fact it looked like a Woody Allen castoff. His beard was grizzled, his tummy generous (not that I should talk). He exuded an air of menace and ill will. He barreled down the street with complete disregard to anyone who might be in his way, all the while shouting into the cell phone clamped to his ear. Now, you may think that this was an ordinary Harvey Weinstein lookalike, but I know for a fact that this was someone all done up for Halloween because he kept shouting into his phone words that sounded like he was describing a Halloweenish black cat. In fact he kept describing a male black cat as possessing parts of the female anatomy and enhanced that description just in case the listener missed his meaning by adding that this black cat was in fact an ineffectual pussy. Over and over again. With some other bad and very impressive mogul-like words I've never heard combined much less used in broad daylight.

Harvey dear, we were very patient when you made huggy face with all those blonde boopy girls with names like Nicole and Renee, but this public rudeness is such a turn off- and that jacket will have to go!

As You Were....

Ashley Olsen Lanced by Armstrong

2007-10-31T10:16:00.000-04:00

File under C for cradle robbing, Page Six reports that everyone's formerly favorite biker boy Lance Armstrong was spotted at the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel making out big time with the diminutive Ashley Olsen. I'm at a loss for words on this one- and that rarely happens.

There's so much ick factor that I don't quite know where to begin. It isn't the age thing actually, though it is amusing that as the only in his 30s Lance is considered ancient in his sport he begins exhibiting signs of dirty old man-ism by trading in the 40ish Tory Burch and 40more Sheryl Crowe for one half of an eerily well paid cruel joke of nature, it's more just the game of celebrity date swap. We know that they're vacuous, overpaid and for the most part interchangeable- we didn't realize though that they knew it as well.

(And yes, someday I will in fact pontificate in great depth about that *it* factor that women like Sheryl Crowe and Pattie Boyd may or may not possess, I think it's more a case of wanting to have what your other famous compadres have.)

Ain't Love Grand?

Always The Bridesmaid...

2007-10-31T10:01:00.000-04:00

I had lunch earlier this week with the always wise, always wonderful K, who for once wasn't dressed bettter than I was. K makes me take a look at all the disfunctional relationships I've ever encountered and suspect that even I might someday be able to crack the code of happily ever after. Anyway, while I suspect that I'll never find a boyfriend as perfect as his, I might just find someone halfway decent- I'll keep you posted on that front.

It was one of those perfect autumn days, so I decided to walk as far down Fifth Avenue as my cruel shoes would allow. I passed one movie set that didn't really catch my interest. Yawn- what was that that Russell Crowe was saying about New Yorkers being unimpressed with movie sets? It's true. They're a fact of NYC life, and you get used to seeing and avoiding them- like fresh dog poo on the sidewalk. Anyway, an even bigger set in front of the 42nd Street Library made me stop to take notice. The crowd was giddy and mostly centered around a huge towncar. One particularly obnoxious junior errand person urged the crowd to walk by and 'pretend to be normal New Yorkers.' Well, normal New Yorkers don't take too kindly to being ushered off of their sidewalks on one of the most beautiful days of the year, nor do we particularly like being talked down to, so the crowd swelled to even greater proportions.

As I walked past said limo I peeked inside and saw Sex and the City gals Kim Catrall holding a lovely posie of flowers, Kristin Davis looking vaguely bewildered and that telltale aqua feather that gave away the presence of Sarah Jessica Parker in that hideous dress (the white blob in the center of the pic- I know, the paparazzi shots are so much better than cheapo cell phone pics)- and trust me, that getup is (butt) uglier in real life. In that nanosecond they emerged from the car and I unwillingly became an additional bridesmaid to everyone's most popular and conflicted celluloid old maid. As I walked down the street to get away from the hysteria, the crowd walked along with me and the frankly scary looking SJP, who just looked pained by the process.

Let me explain for a moment, I'm the person who hates attending weddings. Not because the act of marriage bugs me, but because of the hype and hysteria involved. How ironic then, to be thrust into one of the biggest manufactured nuptials of the day.

Ain't Love Grand?

So You Think You Can Sing?

2007-10-30T09:58:00.000-04:00

Apparently, J.Lo(w record sales) is one demanding diva- No! I'd NEVER have guessed! But wait, apparently, the diva from Da Bronx "costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough,” (this from a source close to Epic Records and Epic’s parent company, Sony BMG).

So what constitutes too much?

“Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighborhood of $300,000.”

And that’s just what it costs to get the album out the door. Lopez performed on “Good Morning America” earlier this month, and all the costs were absorbed by the label. “Epic had to eat the cost for that entire performance. From her makeup — which typically costs in the neighborhood of $8,000 per day — to the backup singers, to the rigging, lighting and sound,” says a source close to the Lopez camp. “The woman requires everything short of flying monkeys to get on a stage.”

See, but maybe the screeching flying monkeys would at least distract us from Lopez' voice.

While we're on the topic EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS?!??!?
PER DAY!??!?!
FOR MAKEUP!??!?!?
Now this is the woman rumoured to slather La Mer on her generous posterior, but for that amount of money I'd be expecting Piaf.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers

No, As A Matter Of Fact I Won't Be Commenting on Seinfeld On Letterman

2007-10-30T09:40:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all of the e-mails about how up in arms you were when Jerry trashed that other cookbook chick (Missy Chase Lapine the somewhat porny named author of “The Sneaky Chef") on Letterman last night.

We're all in unison on this one here, it's awkward if not completely tacky to pimp out your wife's cookbook just because you have enough money not only to buy her a reputation, but to slander someone else's at the same time (not to mention all of those shoes).

I used to find Jerry Seinfeld amusing, I even think that Seinfeld [the show] captured the zeitgeist of an era in a way that no one else did. In that regard I think that the Seinfelds have also captured the zeitgeist of our own celebrity obsessed/obsessive materialism/complete loss of soul/have/have not era in a way that suits their over the top lifestyle in a way that is depressing if not completely cautionary-- at best. Jerry Seinfeld as the new Gordon Gekko-(or Michael Bloomberg or Donald Trump) who knew?

As You Were....

Dead Celebrities Earn Mucho Dead Presidents

2007-10-30T09:15:00.000-04:00

File this one under D for Depressing. While I futz about my day trying to scheme a scheme to finally pay me what what I'm worth (add another zero darling and I'll be a much less bitter old maid), celebrities who are long past their sell date are raking in the big bucks.

Forbes by way of MSNBC reports that from Elvis to Einstein (with a Warhol and Monroe thrown in for good measure) famous folks are frequently worth more dead than alive, with Mr. Presley's estate having generated $49 million dollars (that's a hell of a lot of peanut butter and banana sandwiches) in the last year alone (lucky Lisa Marie who owns a 15% stake in all this happiness).

And if you're wondering how Courtney Love can afford all of that new and improved nip and tuckage and peroxide (oh, gee, sorry. I meant health shakes) her departed former mate Kurt Cobain, (who one hopes has reached Nirvana) didn't appear on the list even though last year he had the dubious dead distinction of debuting in first place after the widow Love sold part of his song catalog for a reported $50 million. As if it isn't depressing enough to hear our fave tunes from the '80s selling everything from burgers to bras, in the near future we just might hear Smells like Teen Spirit on deodorant commercials.

As You Were....

Men Are From Lars - Scary Halloween Movie Alert!

2007-10-29T09:47:00.001-04:00

Oh wait, silly me Lars and the Real Girl is supposed to be a sweet, romantic comedy in which the main character, traumatized by past life events falls in love with a woman (read sex doll) that he 'met' on the internet.*

That's not creepy at all.

Apparently the filmmakers took their inspiration from the celebrity arm candy of people like George Clooney and Matthew (put a damn shirt on already) Mcconaughey who seem to be dating their own Biancas.

Hey, just think about it for a second, with boob jobs and butt implants, collagen and Botox most of Hollywood is pretty close to being or finding their own silicone based true loves as well.

Ain't Love Grand?
* And no, I won't take cheap pot shots at internet dating. That's the way that we've met after all...

More Dumbledore

2007-10-29T09:23:00.000-04:00

I know, I KNOW, you don't particularly care about the Harry Potter stuff, once toting around the latest tome no longer guarantees you so hip it hurts status.

Just a quick thought though- Edward Rothstein has a really thought provoking essay on the whole Dumbledore is gay thing. Truly lovely and as is his wont it's almost theological in citing detailed sources and resources- you should read it if you care about these things.

Thing is Eddie, who are we kidding? JK is hinting at a prequel (poor dear's proposed mystery series must really not be going well, public posturing notwithstanding) and to keep public interest up she's got to start the buzz way in advance. As book series go though, you've got to give the woman credit for creating an entire generational hysteria around what was at one point thought to be mostly ripped off plot. Wonder who'll be reading any of this stuff in a decade.

As You Were....

Oprah,Oprah,Oprah -On A-Ha Moments and the Vernacularization of the Vajajay

2007-10-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, let's just start off by saying that I do not hate Oprah Winfrey. She is a goddess of commerce having revolutionized not just the talk show genre but also the way that women, most especially minority women, women who do not necessarily represent society's ideal of beauty are perceived in the workplace.

Now then:

1. On a show last week she inferred that it was she in her infinite wisdom who coined or popularized the concept of 'A-ha moments' in her magazine. Yes dear, and that nice Gore boy invented the internet.
2. The Styles section of today's times is emblazoned with the popularization of the word 'vajayjay' to describe female genitalia. Eve Ensler may be annoying, but she at least is not guilty of further infantilizing women's popular culture by jumping on the "euphemism treadmill" (the brilliant phrase used in the article by Steven Pinker, a psychology professor at Harvard) in the way that Oprah seeks to. In short, vajayjay first appeared on that bastion of well coiffed/whining in scrubs actors, Grey's Anatomy (surely Dr. Henry Gray's proudest moment is in having inspired this sub-moronic nighttime version of General Hospital), the moment should have been forgotten or buried in reruns, but instead was better known for inspiring new slang. I could go on, but I pray that you choose wisely when describing your privates, and even more wisely when jumping on the idiotic bandwagon determined to create immediate pop culture slang to sneak past censors- everything from asshat to Generation Q. You are better, funnier, more original and creative than that- rise above.
3. Would someone care to elucidate me as to when the mutually masturbatory practice of celebrities gifting other celebrities with garish displays of wealth became (entertainment) news worthy? Apparently to thank La Winfrey for gently nudging her book to #1 on the bestseller lists, Jessica Seinfeld sent her 21 pairs of what Winfrey describes as being "the most sick shoes" including Christian Louboutins and other trinkets of the rich and feckless.

Not all celebrities are role models. Not all women in power empower women. One hopes though, that they could at least try a little harder not to provide so much less.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

B.O.M.B.s Against Java -Take Back the Bitter

2007-10-28T10:31:00.000-04:00

As if there wasn't enough social injustice in the world today, I feel victimized by the new Maxwell House ads that proudly proclaim: "Here's To A World Without Bitterness." I actually shuddered there for a moment.

Here's a secret about being a bitter old maid, I'm not actually bitter, nor do I consider myself to be an old maid. So okay do I seem about my singular status that friends are actually stunned when I mention that I'm still looking for Mr. Right.

For those who has asked, this bitter old blog is meant to as mentioned entertain my friends and myself, but to also skewer collective culture's thoughts on where I should be in my personal life- married, babied and considerably less exuberant than I am. You see, society doesn't quite know what to make of someone who's extremely comfortable not only in her skin, career and place in the world, but one who continually forgets to fit an easy stereotype of an unmarried woman in her 30s navigating the brutal dating terrain. The men that I meet find their egos bruised by the notion that while I might not particularly need them to financially support me, I still might want their emotional support- but that's for another time.

Remember that episode of 90210 when the girls turned activists to take back the night? Well, this blog is about taking back the bitter. I'm not who you think I am, I am bitter here me roar!

Let's hear it for the B.O.M.B.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum Cleaner- Toys for Overprivileged Tots

2007-10-28T09:41:00.001-04:00

So determined was I not to clean this hovel that I leafed through not only the usual trashy mags, but even the Toys R Us newspaper insert. Here are some of the subversive toys I noticed.

Did you ever notice just how many kitchen related toys there are for kids? Laugh & Learn 2-in-1 learning kitchen has a happy smiling refrigerator - and they wonder why kids in this country are obese?

For the junior Facebook set there's a Hokey-Pokey Elmo. Why [make the minimal amount of social interaction] send a super Poke when Elmo can do it for you?

The Amazing Pets Skate 'n Tricks Puppy has his poor little paws encased in puppy in line skates- for when torturing your own pets isn't enough!

Disney has a Fairies DVD player and 13" TV with the remote shaped like a wand with a star at the end. Perfect for your little princess or budding queen.

There's also "A PINKtacular collection for girls!" along with a Pink Boutique edition of Monopoly. Because sugar coating the PINKazation of women's cancers and October/breast cancer awareness month just isn't offensive enough!

More Star Wars toys than you can fathom for the children of geeks who somehow managed to marry and procreate. The Ben 10 Deluxe Omnitirix watch thing will ensure that the little guy will have just as little social interaction, friends or dates as dad did.

Just in case you haven't completely neglected your kids in favor of showering them with pricy baubles, you still have time to splash out on Barbie Escalades and other kiddie friendly mini 'vettes and Humvees.

Incidentally, the Daisy Pocket Mod AKA kiddie Vespa is all mine.

As you were....

If You're Happy And You Know It Watch A Chick Flick

2007-10-28T09:33:00.000-04:00

S and I were supposed to go look at the foliage yesterday but it was too rainy and gloomy (thank god- I can't stand those relentlessly perfect weather days, give me some gloom and doom and I'm happiest) so we sat around at mine watching insipid movies and eating worse food.

Maeve Binchy (anyone know how to pronounce her last name?) may write sappy books, but she's one smart chick. We rented a fairly awful [though brimming with real estate porn] movie called Tara Road (with the pretty but talentless Andie Macdowell- and she is still cast in movies, why?) and the DVD extra footage was of Binchy talking at a rapid fire pace about the book/film. Anyway, she did at one point say that everyone in the film was searching for happiness, but if you don't have it you won't find it...She elaborated- some people think that they would be happy if they would have more money or are married, but there are plenty of people who are married and wealthy who are miserable. Too true - more on that another time. Tag line from the movie: People think they are on this earth just to be happy. Ah, those cheery Irish writers....So b.o.m.b. book club, are you happy if you think you're happy, or are you happy if other people think you're happy? Please discuss. My own thoughts on the subject will follow.

****Oh vomitus. I just discovered that Tara Road was an Oprah book pick, as God is my witness, there's no way I would have clapped eyes upon this had I but known. Incidentally, the movie The Holiday? can you spell rip off? Swap a dead son for a dead wife and an unknown balding Irish guy for Jude Law and you're on the right track.... Both flicks had great apartments and irritating leads (your call who you find less annoying- Cameron Diaz or Andie Macdowell) Rent both and agree with the genius that is the B.O.M.B.

As you were...

M.I.L.F. (Mothers I'd Like to Fine)

2007-10-26T09:21:00.001-04:00

Here's a (lowbrow) pop (culture) quiz for this gloomy Friday:

Which limelight hogging stage mother recently said:

"There are so many misconceptions about me and my family. I'm setting the record straight."
"It's about empowering women to be successful single mothers,"

and let us not forget

"About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It's about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids' dreams."

If you guessed *we wonder how our life turned out this way* Queen Elizabeth or Uma *I'll do anything for a photo op* Thurman you're way off base because it's really *SHOCK* Dina Lohan or as I like to call her- Momma I've got no talent/no scruples/no dignity/let me keep pimping out my kid until every fiber of her fame and dignity has been extinguished and I can go on to the next one.

In an interview in People mag (I think it's People), Lohan the Senior (I know she's not that old, but she IS that scary and surgerized, so it is our civic duty to mock her) talks about how committed she is to clearing up misconceptions - so committed in fact that she's going to star in a reality TV series on E to talk about it. (Yawn+Barf. Will this onslaught of reality dreck never stop?) Apparently, she brought cameras into rehab with her and Linz, and refers to herself as the 'White Oprah' (Woprah?).

Breaking shrews, er news. Apparently Britney's mom is going to pen a tell all memoir in which according to a source she will will "give readers and fans a revealing look into her “personal story” of grooming Britney, 25, and Jamie Lynn, 16, into big-time celebs “while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community,” a source tells OK!.

The tome will be published by Thomas Nelson, a well-known Christian publisher. Praise the Lord that Judith Regan no longer has an imprint.

Ghost writers, fire up your quills- it's going to be a bumpy ride.

As you were
(Thanks D.C. for the head's up)

And While We're On The Subject Of Match.com

2007-10-26T09:10:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that single women everywhere should take their cue from a headline in the Wall Street Journal about Leopard, the new Mac operating system:

Leopard: Faster, Easier Than Vista

The rest is all tech jargon and boring, but I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today. Class dismissed.

***hums that old Waitresses song "I know what boys like. I know what guys want***

As you were....

The Future Of Dating in Major Cities?

2007-10-26T08:49:00.000-04:00

File under U for Ugh or D for Depressing.

A new study in Current Biology journal shows that altering a gene in the brain of female worms changed their sexual orientation, and while the female worms still had female bodies, they behaved like males. (Obviously, the creators of the new Sex and the City movie were inspired by the study).

"They look like girls, but act and think like boys," Utah researcher Jamie White, who worked on the study said. Hmm. Now I know that I've heard that before, but usually when I was accused of having too much ambition or for not sitting prettily by the phone waiting for it to ring.

Erik Jorgensen, scientific director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah said the study is not likely to resolve the burning question about the genesis of sexual orientation in humans since"A human's brain is much more complex than a worm's brain." (He obviously has not been on Match.com lately.)

As you were....

At Long Last Love- What The Hell Was He Waiting For?

2007-10-26T08:16:00.000-04:00

Yes, we're all radically evolved when it comes to dating, but maybe not so much in China's Zhejiang province where a 106 year old man named Pan Xiting just made an honest woman out of his 81 year old honey Chen Adi. Apparently, the couple have been together for eight years during which time she's been taking care of him.

Forgive me for asking the obvious, but did it really take her eight years to get this man to commit? So, he's this freewheeling bachelor of oh, I don't know - NINETY EIGHT YEARS OLD and she still can't get him to say I do for another eight years? Maybe he wanted to be sure to be as close to until death do us part as possible.....

Are nonagenarian single Chinese gents that much of a commodity? And here I thought it was hard to find a single Jewish guy in NYC.

Ain't Love Grand?

Get Paid To Make Out With Your Wife....

2007-10-25T10:37:00.001-04:00

File this under I for I have no idea of what to think of this one.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think that you have to sex up art, there is inherent beauty and sexiness in the creative process if not production of art (no, I'm not referring to the sharks in formaldehyde) be it a Rubens or a Lichtenstein (funny you should mention it, the man must have been reading my mind half of the time). Anyway, The Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago features a new exhibit in which some real life couples recreate famous kisses (i.e. Rodin's The Kiss). Honestly, this feels kind of tacky to me, almost like a Lifetime TV real life inspired movie of the week with Jennifer Esposito starring in: Jennifer Lopez and her miracle babies.

One of the make outtees in the exhibit says "it's all foreplay and no payoff.'' Hmmm. maybe not such a bad idea after all.

Ain't (very public) Love Grand?
(FYI, I couldn't find the Lichtenstein that I wanted to use)

Whoops They've Done It Again- Maxim Names Unsexiest Women

2007-10-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

Poor Britney, like she isn't having a bad enough year, what with the massive career and life meltdown and all, now Maxim magazine has named her one of the unsexiest women of the year. Topping the list is Sarah Jessica Parker and padding the center are Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Madonna.

Now, I won't go all feminist on your ass about this decision, since I'll probably treat you to that in my real incarnation. I will say though that Maxim is not known for celebrating or highlighting anything that even remotely resembles true beauty in women, and since their recent makeover they've gotten even more spiteful and childish.

What I'd really like to see are the publicity shots for the sure to be pot bellied and balding, gay or aging frat boys who made this decision for Maxim.

(though to be fair, their scariest faces of celebrities feature is wicked funny)

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Sigh. That Bill Clinton, He's Ever So Romantic!

2007-10-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

So says Hillary Rodham Clinton.

In her ever evolving campaign to erode her former image as iron maiden turned cookie baker turned mean girl turned politician, turned vampette. the almost birthday girl is giving those dang right wingers something to applaud. Instead of appearing as a wronged wife, she's projecting the softer image of a woman scorned who moves on and forgives her man. She even says Bill is romantic! (To her you doubtful bastards). When asked for specifics, she tells Essence magazine that her man is so romantic " He's always bringing me back things from his trips" including apparently a Chanel watch because the white cubes reminded him of her teeth. (bared at him after the incident with that woman perhaps?)

Now to be honest, I have myself been blessed to be under the blinding rays of the Hillary smile, and I didn't automatically think Chanel watch, more like, damn that's an impressive faux **I think I know you so I'll smile at you because you know everyone else in the room so you must be someone worth knowing** smile

I actually think this was a great statement to make. After all, Hillary is both a businesswoman and politician. It would have been foolish for her to walk away from her biggest investment and jewel in the crown just because he apparently can't keep his pants zipped. "I never doubted that it was a marriage worth investing in even in the midst of those challenges and I'm really happy that I made that decision. Again, not a decision for everybody. And I think it's so important for women to stand up for the right of women to make a decision that is best for them."

We await you and your Chanel watch in the White House soon Madame President.

Who's Your Diddy?

2007-10-25T08:43:00.000-04:00

Good morning class, time for a pop quiz- besides the Police-y riffed tribute thing to B.I.G., name a Diddy song.

Okay, since that's too tough name a P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs (or any other combination and permutation of the rap mogul's moniker) melody.

Still stuck? Me too. I sometimes play a game with myself, knowing someone's worth zillions, but being clueless as to what their mass appeal and reach is. Actually, according to Forbes.com "Hip-Hop Cash Kings" list it's $28 million for 2006, though a Diddyite acolyte (maybe the umbrella holding guy?) insists that this Bad Boy's 2006 income is vastly undervalued- great way to tip off the IRS! Snap!

Where was I? Oh right. Diddy pooh poohs the notion that he beat up someone at a nightclub earlier this month in a fight over a woman. Now, the only time that I rubbed (Zegna clad) shoulders with the mogul himself was at a launch event for some cosmetic thing or another. The Didster was due to go to court the next day about some other unpleasant assault thing or another. To be honest, he looked like a deer in the headlights (or a deer with headlights based on the ginormous diamond studs he was sporting- unlike that clip on earring wearing Jamie) at that one, surrounded by burly bodyguards. He did a lap around the red carpet before beating a hasty retreat.

As for the more recent scuffle, De Doo Doo Doo Diddy says "It was something that was just totally overblown...I don't fight over girls!" Combs told a news conference to unveil a new business venture with Diageo PLC, the world's biggest alcoholic drinks group. But he added, "I am a human being and I will get into an argument at times."

Police sources have said Combs was being investigated in relation to an alleged fight over a woman at a New York City nightclub early in the morning on Oct 14.

When asked if there had been any legal follow-through, Combs said, "They looked into it. There are so many other things going on in the city." ( I promise not to comment at all on just how neatly packaged this sounds to me. I also promise not to keep scouring the news for stories on a newly donated Diddy kiddy pool or park).

As you were....

Mariah's Moustache? Well Hello Dali!

2007-10-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, your call on this one. Was Mariah Carey faintly glistening or was she sporting a full fledged goatee and 'stache? The notorious d.i.v.a. was spotted moments before an appearance on The Today show being either patted down or denuded by a devoted assistant.

I don't know about you, but I was more mesmerized by the size of her bountiful (new?) bosom and the fact that she's starting to look a lot like everyone's great aunt Zsa Zsa, to notice if she was or wasn't sporting a five o'clock shadow.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers...

And You Thought Paris Was Giving The Hilton Chain A Bad Name.

2007-10-24T12:40:00.000-04:00

Who says that there aren't any great jobs left for women? All it takes is creativity and the strong urge to do things differently - while keeping track of the local laws of course.

An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples. The 31 year old woman is also alleged to have "crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," which is in breach of hotel licensing laws.

"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.

Oh well, she can always work at Hooters.

As you were...

Desperate (to be a) Housewife

2007-10-24T12:20:00.000-04:00

Robert Chambers, who was known back in the '80s as the "preppy killer" is back in jail, this time for dealing coke. While I was too young to remember the hows and whys of the case, I do remember the shock at his murder of Jennifer Levin, and the headlines as his priest and parents came to his defense. This time he was accompanied only by girlfriend Shawn Kovell, also accused of dealing drugs.

Now, this isn't a post meant to make you laugh. If it makes you think, I'll be gratified.

As a kid I remember the lesson of the Levin murder being that's what happens to Jewish girls who are trouble and who mess with big goyish boys. For me, the message is actually more tragic. From marrying a Menendez brother, to O.J. Simpson's girlfriend, to Shawn Kovell dating (and dealing drugs with) Robert Chambers, one wonders at the warped kind of woman who would date a high profile murderer. Yes, I do believe in rehabilitation. I also believe that it takes a complete lack of self esteem or limelight seeking desperation to allow your only claim to fame to be that you are the significant other of a convicted murderer.

Ladies, you'd be better off alone.

As you were....

Here Chickie Chickie+Feed Me (A plea for help)

2007-10-24T12:11:00.000-04:00

I'm a complete ignoramus about computery things. Someone told me to feed my blog to Facebook and was then kind enough to walk me through the process, so done and done. Some others have asked me to add chicklets to this page and feeds and to add the page to feedburner. Can someone tell me what the hell that is and how I can do it?

You'd be the bomb if you did!

He's Got A Nice Package Allright

2007-10-24T11:32:00.000-04:00

Seal had better hope that his wife yummy mummy Heidi Klum doesn't see the giant Calvin Klein billboards with Djimon Hounsou in his tightie whities.

Apparently, the story of how their more enduring than Heathcliff and Cathy love affair came to be, will be revealed on Thursday's Oprah, including this heartwarming sneak peak of how Heidi fell for Seal when she saw him clad in a pair of bicycle shorts (perhaps the ugliest article of clothing ever invented). "I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow."

I'm guessing that was the same reaction she had upon learning of her first baby daddy Formula One racing zillionaire Flavio Briatore's bank account.

Ain't love grand?

Since You Asked....

2007-10-23T18:57:00.001-04:00

I love your e-mails, even if I don't answer all of them. Here are a couple of answers to your most common questions:

1. No. I don't have any cats. I don't like cats. I've never seen Cats on Broadway either for that matter. I'm a Bitter Old Maid from Brooklyn, but not a STEREOTYPICAL Bitter Old Maid From Brooklyn - there's a major distinction. Read and learn young ones.
2. Yes, in fact one person did guess who I was. I lied and told him he was wrong though.
3. There is just one of me, this isn't a TMZ type situation, you won't find out later that there's an entire coven of B.O.M.B.s.
4. No, this isn't a publicity stunt for a new movie or anything a la LonelyGirl15, it's an outlet, and a fun way of amusing others and myself and requires neither batteries nor condoms.
5. Yes. I read all of your e-mails, and I love you right back.
6. It's actually surreal that my alter (altar) ego is exponentially more popular than I am.
7. Nah, I'm not going to write about Halle Berry and that nose comment, because I don't think she's a racist per se, just self involved and not terribly bright or P.C., I was more insulted about the faux after-statement in which she stated that she was talking backstage with 3 Jewish girls who work for her (I'll bet some of her best friends are Jewish! Maybe even Black!) besides, she's single and pregnant at 41 giving hope to single B.O.M.s everywhere, so in this at least she gets a special dispensation. Next time though, I'll be ready to rumble.

As You Were....

Girls With Diseases Get The Best Boyfriends

2007-10-23T08:53:00.000-04:00

Ever since Ashley Wilkes fawned over the delicate flower Miss Mellie in Gone With The Wind (like you never noticed that the incredibly resilient and self sufficient Scarlett O'Hara couldn't stay in a relationship, kept choosing the wrong men and ended up alone?), it's struck me that the he-man instincts of the perhaps less evolved man caused him to become attracted to and subsequently take care of his frail and oh so feminine counterpart.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm bitter, not insensitive, but did you ever notice how come all of the women's magazines have these heartwarming stories of women with dread diseases and the men who stick by them through it all? Honestly, if I get so much as a hangnail, my man is out the door, and while I contend with less than optimum health, but my medical conditions aren't 'sexy.' I really wonder why it's the girls' with the big diseases that get the best guys.

Well, enjoy this one, it's heartwarming. God I hate heartwarming. No really, read it. It will restore your faith in other people's fiances Fiancé donates kidney to woman he loves.

Ain't love grand?

What's That Got To Do With The Price Of Shoes (manufactured) In China?

2007-10-23T07:47:00.001-04:00

Okay, so this isn't my usual bitter old post anyway, but something that I've been trying to figure out for a while. We all know that celebrities pimp out, I mean license their names for products, but what the hell is Carlos Santana doing selling his name to sell shoes?

Take a look at the cutsie website, with a guitar inspired logo no less, and the pick of the month is illustrated with a guitar pick, geddit? So freakin' funny- not to mention fashionable.

The about page tries to lamely cobble together the music with the shoes: "Carlos by Carlos Santana are hip, hot fashionable shoes inspired by the passion and energy that surround Santana's music.

Carlos footwear is designed for women who demand fashion and love shoes. We bring the latest trends in materials, colors, shapes and detailing with a hip Carlos point-of-view that appeals to 'fashionistas' - who want shoes that will 'make' an outfit - not 'match' it."

Honestly, that is some of the most lame copywriting I have ever had the misfortune of being judgemental about, and seriously, if you look to Carlos to inspire your fashion, then I'm guessing you might want to rethink your definition of fashionista. Next you'll be looking to Stevie Van Zandt for advice on hair accessories.

While we're on the topic, I should tell you that when I'm looking for shoes online (some might call it self medicating) I have an actual physical reaction when I find myself clicking on a picture and later finding it to be Jessica Simpson or the aforementioned Carlos' label shoes. Sort of like that episode in Seinfeld (I told you I was turning into a guy- now I'm quoting Seinfeld) where George goes to a male massage therapist and is freaked out because 'it moved'. That's how distressed I get when I'm attracted to Jessica Simpson shoes, and even an ice cold shower won't wash away the shame, fear and loathing.

I'm just about done, but I also have a morbid fear of being attracted to cheapo shoes, or being outed as someone with more taste than shekels, but just between us- can you tell me why the gold Giuseppe Zanotti shoes on the left have a list price of $553.95 while the Poetic Licence (their spelling, not mine) pair is $79.50? And don't go spewing quality and handcrafted from the foreskins of baby lambs- I know how you roll and I'm not buying it. (but only because I maxed out the plastic)

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers
(thanks P.K.)

A Rose (Ceremony) By Any Other Name Is Just As Twee

2007-10-23T07:34:00.000-04:00

I watched The Bachelor last night- but trust me it was under extreme duress. One of my friends suggested that this hour o'drivel would make for a great post. Honestly? My stomach is still kind of queasy. I'm not a TV fan at the best of times and find the concept of reality television to be mostly a contradiction in terms.

Here's my conclusion:

The Bachelor is hot. No doubt about that, and his accent is seriously swoon inducing.

The creator or producer of the series must have been rejected by every single woman that he has ever met in his entire life- I kid you not, from grammar school to junior high to high school to college, this person probably didn't get laid until his forties, and only then because he was a successful wealthy producer. The Bachelor is his way of humiliating skinny, beautiful mostly blonde girls exactly like the ones who rejected him for most of his life.

The audience of this show is intended to be: Bitter Old Matrons who can gleefully watch these poor insecure girls and smugly think to themselves- 'thank God that's not me. My husband might be bald/fat/unemployed and impotent, but at least I don't have to go on a reality TV show to snag him.'

Seriously, who came up with the idea of letting these women sit around and watch each other go off and snog the bachelor? (Bettina is OUR biggest competion?) I think that mother nature should wreak her own revenge by giving the entire chick collective a raging consecutive case of permanent PMS.

I could go on and on, about how all of these girls could see themselves falling in love with him (she hopes the dress reminds him of a wedding dress? that's not scary or premature), how they're all picking up a vibe and how he is just connecting/feeling up/boffing each and every one of them, but honestly, why bother? If you're on to further your acting career then at least you might want to, I don't know- consider acting lessons maybe?

Let's just say that I won't be giving this series a rose any time soon.

Oh, and there's a word for relationships like this one in the states, it's illegal and it's called polygamy, and in foreign countries there's a similar concept- only there they call it a harem, and if you want entertainment in a similar vein you probably should watch Big Love, at least the relationships feel more real than these do.

Ain't (manufactured) love grand?

I Am My Own Husband

2007-10-23T06:37:00.000-04:00

That dang insomnia is kicking in for a change. I initially urged myself back to sleep, then I tried to cajole myself to go for an early run. Who am I kidding? For an early walk, or shuffle - a run on these city sidewalks being murder on these ancient knees. I refused my suggestion of a walk, so I then tried to convince myself to clean up the hovel, I mean apartment that I dwell in. I took a look around at the cave formerly known as a pied a terre, and it hit me like an ice cold dirty martini dramatically flung in the face of a hairy backed blind date who dared to attempt a grope- I have become the husband/boyfriend that my attached friends bitch and moan about.

I stay out until all hours of the night
I refuse to cook and can easily eat my dinner standing up in the kitchen
I socialize with my clients more than my loved ones
I shamelessly flirt with all the little crumpets that come my way with no thought to anything serious
This apartment used to be gorgeous and spotless to boot, but it's not like I even notice the mess on my way to and from my frequent debauchery. (Okay, I *wish* debauchery, but we're going for a theme here)
I forget birthdays, anniversaries and all of those Hallmark holidays
I rarely do laundry (yeah, like you would if you saw the laundry room in this building) and instead have adopted the charming habit of throwing out my undies and splurging on new ones instead.
I'm getting a spare tire - hell, I've got a matching set of whitewalls at this point

In defense of me though-
I'm so charming that I can talk my way out of just about any situation and no one can really stay angry at me for long
I'm so good at what I do that people bandy about terms like genius, gifted and success
Everyone loves me, though they secretly think that I'm too good for the likes of me

Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but why would I try to date him if I've become him?

As you were....

Deceive, Pray, Age - Amazon's Commandments for Trophy Wives...

2007-10-22T14:21:00.000-04:00

Procrastination, thy name is Bitter Old Maid in Brooklyn. I have a thousand and one things to do, and yet here I am. Okay, a quick neurotic glance at the Amazon bestsellers 12 seconds ago produced these three books AKA Oprah's honeys are in the top spots:

Deceptively Delicious:
Simple Secrets to Get
Your Kids Eating Good Food
by Jessica Seinfeld (Author)
Average Customer Review:
Usually ships in 5 to 6 weeks
(yikes! why so long?)

Eat, Pray, Love:
One Woman's Search
for Everything Across
Italy, India and Indonesia
by Elizabeth Gilbert (Author)
Average Customer Review:
In Stock (No idea why she trekked
across the world, she could have found
it all on the strip on Coney Island Avenue)

The Wisdom of Menopause:
Creating Physical and
Emotional Health and
Healing During the Change,
2nd Edition
by Christiane Northrup (Author)
Average Customer Review:
In stock on October 22, 2007 (Judging this
book by the cover, apparently a lot
of Botox must help with the hot flashes,
and by 'the change' I'm guessing
she doesn't mean the one so
popular in all the teen
vampire books)

Anyway, it occurs to me that the top three books are something of a skewed perception of what a trophy wife's life must be like- played out for the Amazon crowd.

1. Eat: Loads of glamorous dinners with well connected friends and, um, practice your impressive oral skills
2. Pray: That he doesn't trade you in for a newer, more pneumatic version, one without stretchmarks
3. Age: And pretend to be graceful about it while traveling to exotic destinations to have your face stretched like so much Play Doh into a mostly unrecognizable version of your younger self.

As you were....

Least Stylish, Least Active, Least Friendly- Oh My!

2007-10-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

Grace Kelly must have been the last of the Philly beauties, since apparently it's all been downhill since then. Reuters today reported that according to a new survey "Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States." (they obviously have never seen my yearbook) To add insult to injury they were also found to be the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the "America's Favorite Cities" survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News.

Coming just above Philly in the poll were Washington DC and Dallas/Fort Worth, while Miami and San Diego are home to the most attractive people.

Okay, I've dated guys from DC and powerful as they may be they're egotastic and anything but cute, and their female counterparts definitely seem to be missing the style gene. As for Miami - these pollsters must have been focused on South Beach mamis and not Miami Beach bubbies.

Philadelphians' have apparently been comforting themselves with a big old hoagies & cheese steaks, since national surveys showing they are among the fattest people in the United States. The American Obesity Association ranked the city in the top 10 for overweight people every year between 2000 and 2005. Apparently though, they're very loyal sports fans though they haven't had a national champion in any of its four main sports since the 76ers won the National Basketball Association title in 1983.

They may be unattractive, fat, provincial slugs- but at least they're loyal! Thanks Travel & Leisure mag- that's so comforting! I'm sure subscription rates to the 19019 zip code are about to skyrocket!

As you were....

Shiny, Happy Mug Shots - Rock N Roll Jesus Arrested

2007-10-22T11:11:00.000-04:00

Kid Rock has been arrested (gotta love Reuters, they didn't even mention his real name, and just kept referring to him as 'Rock') moments after scoring his first #1 album Rock N Roll Jesus, but more than that accomplishment he's got a really decent mug shot and seems to know it.

The the always elegant, amazingly eloquent ex-Mr. Pammy was picked up after a scuffle in a waffle house in Atlanta. It's nice to know that celebrities of a certain standing never try to overreach and become like, say, the Brad Pitts of the world but instead choose to keep their comfort level on an even keel. Um, and is the Jesus thing a new career direction for him? It seems to be working though, I mean, he looks beatifically happy.

As you were....

Panties For Peace

2007-10-22T10:09:00.000-04:00

I like the Dalai Lama a lot. As exiled living icons of protest go, he's funny, attractive, well spoken and best of all single! (yes, I realize that he's also celibate and a monk, but he'd be great to take to parties). Also, his wardrobe is a bit too Rome first season, but show me a perfectly dressed man without the help of a wife or girlfriend, and I'll introduce you to the next Village Person. (Exceptions are made however for the label loving pope and his red patent Prada shoes, I mean really, he has to wear a white dress most of the time, of course he's going to try to accessorize well).

Anyway, one would imagine that His Holiness is cringing at the new Panties for Peace campaign meant to pressure Burma's military regime. The maneuver is meant to be "a calculated insult to the junta and its leader, General Than Shwe. Superstitious junta members believe that any contact with female undergarments - clean or dirty - will sap them of their power, said Jackie Pollack, a member of the Lanna Action for Burma Committee." Then again, I think that thongs are a calculated insult to women everywhere, with that tiny, painful floss creeping into my nether regions- honestly, there's no crime nor military regime against VPL, but I digress.

A message on the activists' website reads (I couldn't get into the website, so I can't confirm): "This is your chance to use your Panty Power to take away the power from the SPDC. You can post, deliver or fling your panties at the closest Burmese Embassy any day from today. Send early, send often."

I think there's a message to be sent to tyrannical despots, I'm just not sure that it should be done with lingerie. Then again, who knew that Britney and Paris's bare ladygarden's were actually strong (shaved) political statements?

As you were....
(thanks S.K. for the tip)

To The Left, To The Left- Dumbledore is Queer, Did You Hear?

2007-10-21T11:15:00.001-04:00

J.K. Rowling, in a brilliant marketing move/spectacular moment of *let's squeeze the last remaining drop of possible press potential out of this Potter kid before I disappear into the ether for good* announced that Albus Dumbledore, the head of the famed Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft was in fact about as straight as Elton John.

According to a piece in Newsweek, during a reading for a packed audience in Carnegie hall One fan asked whether Albus Dumbledore, the head of the famed Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, had ever loved anyone. Rowling smiled. "Dumbledore is gay, actually," replied Rowling as the audience erupted in surprise. She added that, in her mind, Dumbledore had an unrequited love affair with Gellert Grindelwald, Voldemort's predecessor who appears in the seventh book. After several minutes of prolonged shouting and clapping from astonished fans, Rowling added. "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy."

Or perhaps on the realization that pissing off the religious right was in fact building her audience in the creative left, Rowling decided the time was ripe to announce a gay character.

Ain't love grand?

Kelly Slater- Backup Boyfriend And The Revolving Dating Wheel Of The Famous

2007-10-21T10:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, a moment of silence for the hotness that is Kelly Slater.

Now then, what's up with him being the rebound boyfriend for everyone from Cameron Diaz (yes, yes, deny it all you want) Bridget Moynahan (after breakup from Tom Brady) to Leo DiCaprio (dang that's an ugly website) castoff Bar Refaeli (I was so sure Leo would opt for a high profile wedding and mini me) the little Israeli girl who could?

Apparently, Kelly got into a scuffle over the weekend with Israeli cops after he attacked the paps who tried to get a shot of him with Bar.

Now for the non genetically gifted among us, let's get this wheel of booty straight for a moment:
Kelly is dating Bar ---> who dated Leo --->who dated Gisele --->who dated Tom --->who knocked up Bridget---> the only logical conclusion? Next up on the agenda will be Gisele and Bridget pulling an Ellen and Ann.

sigh.

Ain't love grand?

Other People I'm Not

2007-10-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, I really must get some fresh air and then dig into a day of work (yes. I am that pathetic to be working on a Sunday), but to set the record straight on some e-mails I received over the weekend.

I am NOT:

Julia Allison: Julia is fabulous in a different way than I am. She still cares about popular opinion and the general approval matrix- I in fact do not. I'm also too old to be Julia. Thanks for the guess though.

Judith Regan: While I knew Judith in the past, and even though I am a member of the tribe, she was always extremely kind to me, we are in fact not one in the same. She is much more volatile and impatient than I am. She also doesn't write her own material, that kind of bilious genius/insanity (take your pick) remains best served unscripted. I'm also too young to be Judith. Thanks for the guess though.

Naomi Wolf: Naomi Wolf takes herself seriously, very, very seriously. You're kidding, right? Besides- I'm too freakin' young to be Naomi. Though judging by the calendar and the big freakin' birthday I have coming up, I'm also very, very old. Thanks for the guess though.

Helen Fielding, Candace Bushnell or Sophie Kinsella, but trust me- my publisher wishes that I was. And yes you sneaky devil, I know that now you have a clue that I write books. The Shock! you still don't know who I am.

As you were...

Required Reading- Well Hello! There

2007-10-21T09:18:00.000-04:00

As those of you in the know know, I tend to spend my weekends curled up with Brit gossip mags and fashion rags. Oh to wallow in Hello! to hot things up with Heat and to be in the moment with Now. (Not to mention Grazia, Tatler, Vogue, Red, Harper's and whatever other glossy crap I can lay my grubby hands on). My thought process behind the tabloid and women's mag orgy is that it's like a tiny vacation- in English! While I speak Fashion French and Italian, I much prefer not to strain to access mon dose de bavardage hebdomadaire (blame Babelfish if that makes no sense to you).

Well, this weekend, I didn't get my required dose, but did find some tidbits that I must share.

From Hello (October 16th issue):

The Original Supermodel and Style Icon Marie Helvin (their description- not mine, I don't know who the hell Marie Helvin is but apparently aging trousersnakes Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty among others tried to get in her pants). "When people tell me I look good for my age, I tell them I don't have the stresses of children and a husband." (Is that why I look so freakin' good?). This comment made me laugh too: "Plastic surgery? Absolutely, I approve, but everyone says once you start it's difficult to stop." Duh. I may have only the vaguest idea of who you are Marie Helvin, but even in retouched photos I can tell that it's been years since you've known when to stop.

Hello also had it's requisite extensive wedding shots, this time of Sir Ben Kingsley and his "new" love Daniela (she's the new love, we don't have to mention her last name as long as we remember the Sir). My fave quote from this spread: " I wanted it to be at home because we're very private here. It suited our temperaments to keep it small" So private in fact that you then whored out the photos to Britain's biggest gossip mag. Positively precious and oh so private!

Ain't love grand?

Just Saying- How I Became The B.O.M.B.

2007-10-21T08:55:00.000-04:00

I am extremely exhausted and should be working on *the big project*, but instead am sharing my early Sunday a.m. thoughts with you.

This blog was started to amuse a small group of friends, what I didn't quite realize that in literally a matter of days (three to be exact) I'd tap into a network of BOMs and almost BOMs and have BOMs or were BOMs.

I set out to amuse and to also shut up those who frequently hock me with the oft repeated statement that: You're so funny you should be on stage. I am that funny therefore I don't need the stage, besides- the world is my stage- literally.

My point in starting this blog was empowerment (stop groaning, I promise not to pull an Oprah on you and insist that you start a gratitude journal.)

Anyway, my point is this one, single isn't fatal. Single for an extended period of time during which you date Mr. Wildly Unsuitable, Mr. So Repressed He Thinks It's Kinky, Mr. You're Too Successful For Me or Mr. I Got Engaged But Forgot To Tell You Let's Still Snog, doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you single in a time when popular magazines want you to be double, and when popular media tells you that you're abnormal to keep holding out for something better.

As for me? I'd rather laugh than cry- I've spent enough time doing that.

And thank you for all of the wonderful e-mails. I'm not being secretive, it's just a lot of pressure being me and being The B.O.M.B at the same time.

As you were....

What If The Slipper Didn't Fit?

2007-10-20T23:57:00.000-04:00

I am back (mercifully early) from what is probably the worst first date of my life.

Oh wait, the actual worst first date of my life involved too much novocaine (him) bad dental work (him again) a suspended license (like you thought that would be me?) and a driver's ed car with two steering wheels and two sets of brakes (Yes. As a matter of fact I did keep hitting the brakes when he drove like a little old lady from Pasadena on speed).

Anyway, back to present dating horrors.

Earlier in the day I was visiting B--- and her little munchkin A---. You don't know this but a few weeks ago my credit card was jacked, and apparently the new criminal tactic du jour is to charge stupid little things to see if you're sleeping at the wheel, before they change the address on your account and go for the trailer and lifetime supply of Bud- so keep checking your receipts. (Thank you Bank of America for catching those f*ckers.)

Anyway, these brilliant criminals started making all kinds of idiotic purchases like a green card application (even I'm not imaginative enough to make that one up) and membership to the Walt Disney movie club. Um, morons, check my records, my only expenditures for the last year have been at the holy trinity of Sephora, Barney's and Butter - do you think I'm going to start shopping for kiddie vids and support hose now?

Anyway, I couldn't get through to Disney to return the damn DVDs (WORST customer service- EVER) so I took them along for the almost niece. The princess loving A---was excited about Cinderella III A Twist in Time (Cinderella meets Sliding Doors?) but also incredibly distressed at the prospect of Cindy ending up alone and kept repeating the tag line: What if the Slipper didn't fit?

What if the Slipper didn't fit Auntie B.O.M.B. ?
What if the Slipper didn't fit?

Well then dear heart- apparently you end up like me. Dating Austin Powers and blogging about it when you get home for the amusement of others.

As you were....

Deceptively Suspicious- Creamed Spinach Copycat

2007-10-19T18:27:00.000-04:00

While I blithely went on commenting on plucky little Jessica Seinfeld's meteoric rise to the top of the book charts (Shock! Amazement! How could it happen?) I completely forgot to mention the story in the New York Times today that elucidates certain similarities in her new book Deceptively Delicious with a previously published cookbook. Now, interesting conundrum, ya think they're going to blame the ghost or 'fess up that it's a miraculous case of synchronicity?

Yum yum. I'm just dying to eat over at the Seinfelds' now- pureed spinach in brownies! It doesn't get any better than that...

Jerry says: “Let’s be realistic — my wife isn’t in this for the money or the publicity.” (Which is why she appeared on Oprah, and which is why JS then made Kissy poo to the big O to thank her for pushing Mrs. S's book to #1!)
Jess says: “I can’t explain a coincidence like this,” Ms. Seinfeld said, “but I applaud it and I wish there were 10 more books like mine because I’m not in this for a competition, I’m in this to help families.”

Which is why the book is actually not sold in stores but given away for free, why Jess has decided to forgo an advance and royalties in favor of donations to orphanages. Yeah right, and I can wear the Calvins I wore in high school. It's nice to know that this was a labor of altruism on the part of the Seinfelds because celebrities never, ever try to cash in on their fame and fortune with vanity book projects.

Chew on that...

No, I'm Not Michelle WIlliams- Funny You Should Ask.

2007-10-19T12:36:00.000-04:00

First of all, who are you people and how did you find me? I've been writing this blog for mere minutes and already you're sending me love poems and tasty tidbits? While I thank you for the love/bile/sharing and caring, I'm mostly stunned.

And to Alix in Cobble Chill- You don't know me. Really. You don't. And I'm not Michelle *I'm so indie I cut my hair short like Mia Farrow moved to Brooklyn (but not to a scary neighborhood because that would be too indie) and got babied up in my twenties* Williams, because she's not an old maid. She's just the formerly precious other half of Heath *I'm so hot I don't have to bathe unless I'm nominated for something gold and shiny* Ledger

And Dita? You don't know me either. Now stop trying to figure out who I am and enjoy the snark.

As you were,

The Lord of The (Engagement) Rings

2007-10-19T12:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, if Ivana's ring was a bit over the top, Andria Castellano (of that family?) was maybe more inappropriate. I mean who the hell gives a 21 year old a ring worth $48,800.00? Dean Kuehnen Jr. did, but now that the engagement is off (awww. poor babies) he's suing to get the 3.23-carat ring back.

The legal action states: "The sole and exclusive consideration, motivation and reason for buying the ring was the contemplated marriage," Note the use of the word contemplated. Like, um, huh, I'd like to think about it for a while - while sporting this ginormous rock.

A lot of my PR friends in NYC employ a similar tactic- instead of The Starter Wife, we used to call it the first fiance. See the thought process is that guys only want what they can't have, so an engaged woman is doubly as enticing as a single one, and in the case of Jerry Seinfeld and wife Jessica (lucky girl, her hubby just bought her ((ghostwriter?)) a best seller), or Prince Charles and Camil-ugh, a married one is even sexier.

Ain't love grand?

Serenity Now - So Says Cecilia

2007-10-19T11:25:00.000-04:00

Wow. I knew it was bad between France's first fox Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife former model/former 1/2 of a couple that Nick had married during his tenure as Mayor in 1984 (got that? he met her when he performed her first marriage) but I wasn't expecting the announcement of a divorce, but rather a long lingering separation (the couple maintain residences in New York and Palm Beach). Mme former first lady says: "I am someone who likes the shadows, serenity, tranquility." (Is that code for- leave me alone as I head to South America for a post-break-up nip and tuck?)

Score one for brevity: "In a 15-word statement, Sarkozy's office said the two were separating by mutual consent and would not comment further on the decision. Sarkozy's spokesman said separation meant divorce."

This is SOOOO much more fun to watch than The Bachelor.

Ain't love grand?

Mean URLs 1

2007-10-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

Coty's site for Sarah Jessica Parker's fragrances is simply Sarah Jessica Parker Beauty - 'nuff said. (Who were the geniuses who thought up 'lovely' and 'covet' anyway? Have you even seen the Covet ads from the UK? Track them down post haste,or enjoy the image to your left- you'll get the idea. Nothing says- mmm, get me some of that, like a scary looking celebrity in prison. Hmmm. Maybe SJP will start selling hair extensions next?).

Speaking of which, have you seen the press shots for Carrie's wedding (or dream sequence) in the new Sex and The City movie? (duh. who hasn't- we've been drowning in press shots) I know that they say that all brides are beautiful, but in this case I think we'll all agree to make an exception.

As you were...

On Being Anonymous

2007-10-19T08:41:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note. I'm not hiding behind this persona- I AM this persona, only because of my extremely important/very glamorous/oh so impressive high profile day job, I'd rather not pull a Dooce, (and dear, that talk about spotting? We recognize the open bookness of your existence, but there are times when one must file things under T for Too Much Information) but prefer to blend into the woodwork on being this blogger as well.

I try not to be overly cruel in my commenting- hey, I'm this bitchy real time too, but prefer to amuse. The thing is that I'm a bitch with a conscience, so while the internet is rife with flame wars and zingers (yeah, check out the Gawker comments why don't you?) I'd prefer to be funny and snarky, and yes bitter. It is the new black you know.

As you were.

More On Less

2007-10-19T08:33:00.000-04:00

I swear to god this blog won't be all about weddings and the like, but Ronnie from Boston sent me this update and it was too good to resist. (From Abovethelaw.com):

Wedding flowers: $27,000.
Damages sought for wrong color wedding flowers: $400,000.
Being delinquent in your attorney registration, while filing a public lawsuit on your own behalf: Priceless

Apparently, so sure was Elana Glatt nee Elbogen (Or "party pants" according to this thread) that she was going to qualify for "Until (fill in five to fourteen months before the wedding date) the bride was employed as (fill in disposable career du jour, usually PR or attorney)" that she let her attorney registration lapse. Sigh. Guess she was too busy fretting 'bout the posies and planning her future as part of the cardio and collagen set.

Okay, and while he seems like a really nice enough guy, does The Engaged Guy blog not creep anyone else out even just a little? That testosterone laden wedding obsession seems a bit unnatural if not manufactured. Shrugs. As long as it works for them.

As you were

Bling For Bubbies/Why Jamie Wouldn't Tap Halle

2007-10-18T06:14:00.000-04:00

Jamie Foxx couldn't handle dating another celebrity because "We're all like little kids: we all need a lot of attention and we all need to talk about ourselves. And that could be real conflict!" Jamie, that's what publicists are for dear, to make up things for you to say so that the fly over states don't think you're as foolish, fatuous and self involved as we know you are. And while we're on the subject, what's up with those hideous clip on paste earrings? Maybe it works on the Hollywood Hos, but this BK Beyotch wouldn't date any man who wore the same earrings as her grandmother.

We'll Know Next Time She Gets Married

2007-10-18T05:55:00.000-04:00

There's no love for Liz Hurley (put it away dear, we're tired of looking) and her meal ticket Arun Nayar in the Mumbai press after the darling duo were said to snub Arun's family in favour of Liz's much more photogenic bunch. Now comes the news that they've stiffed the vicarage as well. The two were accused of "grubby penny pinching" for failing to donate to the church in which they were married.

While the couple jetted around to several high profile celebrations, with guests like Elton John and Donatella Versace, the wedding was formally blessed in the small chapel of St Mary's, at Sudeley, by the Rev John Partington, who did not charge the usual £1,000 to meet costs for such a ceremony, since the parish was under the impression a larger donation would be made after the showbiz wedding.

Sue Williams,the parish treasurer seemed distraught since "We do normally charge a fee before a wedding. There are a number of costs we have to cover," she said. "For the choir, organist and vicar to attend, the bill normally would be in the region of £1,000. I suppose we were hoping for a bit more than that, but we haven't received a penny from them... Even the not well off make a financial donation, which is normally a few hundred pounds."

Instead of a financial donation, it was reported that the couple are planning to donate to the chapel 12 kneelers, which Mrs Williams said would not be helpful.

"Given the choice, we would prefer the money without a doubt," she said. "I'm sure they haven't discussed this idea of buying kneelers with anyone in the church. We need money to pay the gas bill, for new hymn books and a new boiler. Kneelers aren't very high on our list of priorities."

Guess Liz won't be needing those kneelers any longer, now that she's legally snagged the bucked up Arun.

"Maybe we were naive and should have stuck with our normal charges," Mrs Williams added ruefully. "We'll know next time she gets married."

Awww. Ain't love grand?

Hooker Bride Barbie

2007-10-18T05:49:00.000-04:00

Wish I'd coined that phrase, but sadly it was in TMZ and used to describe the blushing Pamela Anderson as she wed the equally icky Rick (I Shagged Paris) Salomon. Notice Pam's porny pose and Rick's I've just had new work done and can't quite figure out how to smile again faux face.

Ain't love grand?

I Do Means You're Done (Bridezillas Take Note)

2007-10-18T04:54:00.000-04:00

Friends, sisters and co-workers, it's bad enough when you subject us to miles of meringue and talk of honeymoon trips for weeks, months and years before your nuptials, but for God's sake, after you've signed the marriage license we no longer have to pretend to even care about your wedding related drivel. C'mon, like you think you really distinguished yourself in any way by wearing a cloned strapless gown with a wholly innovative calla lily bouquet, not to mention writing your own (treacly) vows? Puh-leez. And while we're on the subject, humiliating bridesmaids through the torturous method of inflicting bad bridesmaids dresses on them is so over - you're still not prettier than us. Oh, and your destination wedding? We know it's because you really have no friends to speak of and pretend that people couldn't get away to share in your big day. You know, the day that only you and your incredibly relieved mom care about.

Now, lawyer by trade and self involved to new heights of nausea, Elana Glatt, what's this nonsense about suing some poor florist over your flowers being the wrong color? Let's get this straight, "The use of predominantly pastel centerpieces had a significant impact on the look of the room and was entirely inconsistent with the vision the plaintiffs had bargained for," and for this offense you're suing the poor florist for $400,000 when your mother in law shelled out a grand total of $27,435.14? (which is in itself an obscene amount of money to spend on gratuitous foliage, but we get it- you're incredibly shallow, and close to $1,250.00 per centerpiece makes sense to you and yours) And you think your pain and suffering on getting pastel pink instead of rust hydrangeas warrants you an additional $372,564.86? You've either got too much time, too much money or a complete lack of a soul. My guess is a combination of all three.

And as for you journalista Vanessa Grigoriadis, first you whine about your boyfriend getting **shudder** fat, (that's not emasculating! And he actually went on to marry you. I'm wondering about the treats you saved for the wedding night) and you, you brave skinny girl, you loved him anyway. Excuse me for a mo' while I wipe a tear from my eye. If this public humiliation isn't enough, when you rant about Gawker in New York magazine (which was a pretty decent if far too long article), you start off with a pity party about how they mocked your wedding announcement in the New York Times. Hell, I'd consider myself fair game if submitting an announcement at all, much less bosom heaving/aren't we interesting? crap like this is part of your announcement: “There was this immediate visceral feeling that we really liked each other,” (probably because he wasn't fat yet) she said. Together they explored the festival, (Burning Man, and just in case we're not soignee enough to know what it is, she actually describes the burning man. No, I promise, really- read the entire announcement) a mix of counterculture philosophy, art, music and pyrotechnics." and gushingly from him: “It just went crazy for us. We fell in love that night.’’ But of course. Doesn't everyone of extreme substance fall in love in a night? And then pout if their wedding announcement doesn't get enough attention that they then have to start an entire feature by telling the world just how often they (poor self involved navel gazing reluctant media darling) are maligned in a malicious gossip blog?

Ladies, it's time for a new hobby that doesn't involve putting yourself up on a Vera Wang draped pedestal.

Ain't love grand?

Ivana Bigger Ring

2007-10-17T22:11:00.001-04:00

File under C for creepy or maybe I for incestuous. Everyone's favourite ex wife with an accent Ivana Trump is newly engaged. I won't ask how her boy toy with a price tag managed to cough up the rumoured $250k for the ring which she describes as "fabulous, not too over the top." (oh yes, the quarter million dollar price tag just SCREAMS subtle). The ring is from daughter Ivanka's new jewelry line. According to the Daily News, Golden girl Ivanka, Donald Jr. and wife, Vanessa were there as Nicola Congiu performed a love song penned by Denise Rich especially for the occasion. Sorry. I just threw up in my mouth there for a minute. That tasty tidbit was in fact more palatable than the former Czech mate's statement that "I'll always be Ivana Trump." Oh. and they're getting married at Donald Trump 's Mar-a-Lago estate.

Ain't love grand?

Supper Club New York

2007-10-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

So it looks like everyone's most feared new networking venture will take flight on the 23rd as NYC's most vacuous and fabulous join forces to nibble and network... Who are we kidding? It's not like any of these people actually eat. I'll report details if I end up forcing my fat arse from the outer borough into the sacred chamber of chit chat.