Celebrity Misdemeanors 101

The delectable Shia LaBeouf (yes, I know I'm old enough to be his bitter older sister, but a girl can dream) has been arrested in Chicago.

For trespassing.

In Walgreens.

Now famous people listen up. If you're trying to muss up your image and then seek redemption from the masses, you're probably going to have to glam it up just a teensy bit. Trespassing at Walgreens won't make the teens in Ohio swoon. Now, a nice fistfight over a trampy co-star- that might do it. Seriously, I know that these stories get cleaned up before they're fed to the media, but Shia, sweetheart- you're going to have to try just a teensy bit harder to up your street cred. (Though don't ever try to copy those skeevy Lohan or Spears girls)

As You Were....

Never Let A Famous Person Name Your Baby

Mila Jovovich has given birth to a baby girl and of all the glorious names in the universe, she's chosen to call her simply 'Ever.' Now it's not as offensive as Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee, you named your son after these lyrics 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'? I for one can't wait to see the tantrums this young 'un throws in a few years) or as hideous as Princess Tiaammi, but it is all kinds of silly- as is our growing fascination with celebrity pregnancies.

In fact, it's been creeping me out as of late how the celebrity news media can analyze a female star's midriff to the extent that an extra french fry at lunch becomes a suspected baby bump. While celebrity babies can definitely be used to rack up the column inches and clean up someone's image (Yes Nicole *famous for no reason* Richie- we're all looking at you) like Christina Aguilera's stoic new push towards celebrity sainthood and J.Lo's giggling non-admission of gestation, they're usually a really smart career move and most excellent photo opportunity. Seriously, in these cases it's usually a case of life imitating art- have a sitcom that's suffering? Add a new baby and you'll schlep it out for at least another season. Nervous that your (insert your favorite vanity project here) won't sell to the masses? Get knocked up and they'll queue up to catch the slightest glimpse of you in your expanding glory.

And, Brangelina, *we're just a normal family* you'll really have to make sure that the paparazzi are more clever with their editing- we can see your slew of nannies and mannies in the background of every pic.

Now leave me alone, I'm off to coo over pictures of Suri Cruise waiting for mom Katie Holmes at the NYC Marathon yesterday.

As You Were....

Naturally Posh! Naturally Thin!

File this one under G for Give me a break. Everyone's favorite Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, she of the terrifyingly tiny frame and malnourished manner is the latest to jump on the - I don't work out, I just run after my kids and that's why I'm so freakin' trim bandwagon. Apparently, she also skips the gym because it's too darn hard to figure out what to wear (this from the woman who totes a Birkin bag on the soccer field).

“I don’t do anything,” Posh purred. “I’m running around after three kids and they play soccer. They just . . . throw footballs at me and I just stand from left to right and that kind of keeps me fit.”

Victoria lovey, we've seen mothers of three in Britain and the US, and being abnormally anorexic is just not part of the job description.

Don't you wish that for once and for all famous moms would own up to their top three- starvation, implantation and self exploitation?

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers

All You Need Is Bucks....

Heather Mills (who still insists that she's 39) went off on British and then US television about estranged hubby Sir Paul McCartney and daughter Stella (I'll keep having babies in the hopes that I get more of daddy's money while simultaneously launching unfunky uninteresting yet still strangely compelling fashion lines and noone will notice that I'm only slapping my name on a label and not actually doing much of anything) McCartney.

Mills insists that the marriage fizzled because her former Beatles hubby wasn't as committed to charity as she was, and that she HAD to record all of their conversations because thousands of people depend on her. (Who? the people who voted her off Dancing with the Stars?)

“We’ve had death threats, I was never offered security.” Heather said she was prepared to use tapes of Sir Paul and her speaking to clear her name — because lives depended on her charity work.

She said: “Why do you think I’ve had to record every single conversation? Because nobody will believe me. But I have to clear my name. I’m responsible for thousands of people’s lives, that’s a fact.”

Heather tossed her hair angrily on Brit morning TV and dramatically (lots of hair tossing here) compare herself to Lady Diana and Madeline McCann's parents in terms of pain and suffering caused by the paparazzi. Scroll down and watch the video, it's entertaining if not well acted.

Mills claims there's a lot of evidence stashed in a safe somewhere. Now that I'd like to see.

Sorry one last Heatherism: On ABC’s Good Morning America, Heather said: “He promised he would protect me. I said, ‘If you don’t, my career will be ruined and will have to fight back’. But I’ve never been protected."

See, here's where I have to draw the line- what career?

As You Were...

The Princess Bride Wannabe

I'm not sure if I love or hate advice columns, since the advice in question tends to be so broad based (no pun intended) and over generalized. Dear Prudence on Slate.com tends to be not to trigger my gag reflex for the most part. I'll give you the summarized version of this one, just in case you're not up for reading it- unrealistic woman wants more of a fairytale marriage- Prudie tells her to get a life. Jeez, who knew that the bridezilla phenomenon continued on after the I dos?

From a recent column:

"Dear Prudence,
I have been married for over a year now. I love my husband very much, we enjoy each other's company, and I never worry that he would cheat."
[Stuff about her kid from a previous marriage.] [Stuff about his awful childhood.] [Stuff about him never showing emotion.]

Then this: "He tells me he loves me all the time and that I'm beautiful, but I truly feel that if I left tomorrow, he wouldn't think twice about it. I'm not sure he would fight for me if it came down to it."[More self involved crap] and then: "I want to be needed and loved by him so badly. Am I selfish to want this? Perhaps I am just looking for the fairy-tale love story where the prince would die without his princess. Am I overthinking this, or should I re-evaluate our marriage? I have suggested counseling to him, but he refuses to go."

—Wanting a Prince

And Prudie's reply:

"Dear Wanting,
I think counseling could be a good idea—for you."

Hurrah for Prudie. Now if only she'd take on those engaged banshees we'd be on the right track.

Read the entire answer here.

Ain't Love Grand?

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chrismukkah

While I'll miss that pouty dreamboat Ryan whateverhislastnamewas, Seth Cohen and the rest of the cuties on The O.C. this season, I'm certain that their fictional selves would be thrilled to know that the holidays are hitting a lot earlier this year. According to the AP yesterday, Halloween is barely over and already big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Toys R Us are starting their sales early and aggressive.

There was a whole lot of blah blah blah in the article about how consumers will benefit from the early sales because the pricing will be more competitive. At least that's what I think it said, my eyes start to cross when assaulted by tinsel this early in the game.

As for me, the only holiday decoration I'd like to see around these parts is a festive garland of Menorah Blahniks.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Scary Halloween Costumes Part 1

So I meandered down Sixth Avenue early yesterday. Even though it was waaay before the ghosties and ghoulies came out to play, I couldn't help but encounter one of the more terrifying get ups I've ever seen. It was the doppelganger of a single successful NYC male, but the worst cliche of said SSNYCM.

As a single woman in the city, I'm always grateful to spot an example of the SSNYCM in his natural habitat, and trust me- his plumage is always visible. My dream is to someday find a rare specimen that is not only available (no telltale golden markings or coloring encircling his left wedding ring finger) but one who shares my (skewed) faith and is capable of providing birdfeed for our future chicks. Like the elusive baby pigeons that must surely exist- because as adults billions of them converge on the city and crap on our collective well coiffed heads, said Singulus New York Cityus Mannus is mostly an urban myth. Yesterday's example was no doubt the dating fates way of playing a cruel joke on me, probably for years of dating all of those bad for you boys and struggling artistes with middle names like 'Sven' or 'Huck,' but I digress.

The guy that I saw yesterday exhibited classic behavior of the worst SSNYCM. His suit was so rumpled that it was mostly shiny, in fact it looked like a Woody Allen castoff. His beard was grizzled, his tummy generous (not that I should talk). He exuded an air of menace and ill will. He barreled down the street with complete disregard to anyone who might be in his way, all the while shouting into the cell phone clamped to his ear. Now, you may think that this was an ordinary Harvey Weinstein lookalike, but I know for a fact that this was someone all done up for Halloween because he kept shouting into his phone words that sounded like he was describing a Halloweenish black cat. In fact he kept describing a male black cat as possessing parts of the female anatomy and enhanced that description just in case the listener missed his meaning by adding that this black cat was in fact an ineffectual pussy. Over and over again. With some other bad and very impressive mogul-like words I've never heard combined much less used in broad daylight.

Harvey dear, we were very patient when you made huggy face with all those blonde boopy girls with names like Nicole and Renee, but this public rudeness is such a turn off- and that jacket will have to go!

As You Were....