Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Ashley Olsen Lanced by Armstrong

File under C for cradle robbing, Page Six reports that everyone's formerly favorite biker boy Lance Armstrong was spotted at the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel making out big time with the diminutive Ashley Olsen. I'm at a loss for words on this one- and that rarely happens.

There's so much ick factor that I don't quite know where to begin. It isn't the age thing actually, though it is amusing that as the only in his 30s Lance is considered ancient in his sport he begins exhibiting signs of dirty old man-ism by trading in the 40ish Tory Burch and 40more Sheryl Crowe for one half of an eerily well paid cruel joke of nature, it's more just the game of celebrity date swap. We know that they're vacuous, overpaid and for the most part interchangeable- we didn't realize though that they knew it as well.

(And yes, someday I will in fact pontificate in great depth about that *it* factor that women like Sheryl Crowe and Pattie Boyd may or may not possess, I think it's more a case of wanting to have what your other famous compadres have.)

Ain't Love Grand?

Always The Bridesmaid...

I had lunch earlier this week with the always wise, always wonderful K, who for once wasn't dressed bettter than I was. K makes me take a look at all the disfunctional relationships I've ever encountered and suspect that even I might someday be able to crack the code of happily ever after. Anyway, while I suspect that I'll never find a boyfriend as perfect as his, I might just find someone halfway decent- I'll keep you posted on that front.

It was one of those perfect autumn days, so I decided to walk as far down Fifth Avenue as my cruel shoes would allow. I passed one movie set that didn't really catch my interest. Yawn- what was that that Russell Crowe was saying about New Yorkers being unimpressed with movie sets? It's true. They're a fact of NYC life, and you get used to seeing and avoiding them- like fresh dog poo on the sidewalk. Anyway, an even bigger set in front of the 42nd Street Library made me stop to take notice. The crowd was giddy and mostly centered around a huge towncar. One particularly obnoxious junior errand person urged the crowd to walk by and 'pretend to be normal New Yorkers.' Well, normal New Yorkers don't take too kindly to being ushered off of their sidewalks on one of the most beautiful days of the year, nor do we particularly like being talked down to, so the crowd swelled to even greater proportions.

As I walked past said limo I peeked inside and saw Sex and the City gals Kim Catrall holding a lovely posie of flowers, Kristin Davis looking vaguely bewildered and that telltale aqua feather that gave away the presence of Sarah Jessica Parker in that hideous dress (the white blob in the center of the pic- I know, the paparazzi shots are so much better than cheapo cell phone pics)- and trust me, that getup is (butt) uglier in real life. In that nanosecond they emerged from the car and I unwillingly became an additional bridesmaid to everyone's most popular and conflicted celluloid old maid. As I walked down the street to get away from the hysteria, the crowd walked along with me and the frankly scary looking SJP, who just looked pained by the process.

Let me explain for a moment, I'm the person who hates attending weddings. Not because the act of marriage bugs me, but because of the hype and hysteria involved. How ironic then, to be thrust into one of the biggest manufactured nuptials of the day.

Ain't Love Grand?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

So You Think You Can Sing?

Apparently, J.Lo(w record sales) is one demanding diva- No! I'd NEVER have guessed! But wait, apparently, the diva from Da Bronx "costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough,” (this from a source close to Epic Records and Epic’s parent company, Sony BMG).

So what constitutes too much?

“Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighborhood of $300,000.”

And that’s just what it costs to get the album out the door. Lopez performed on “Good Morning America” earlier this month, and all the costs were absorbed by the label. “Epic had to eat the cost for that entire performance. From her makeup — which typically costs in the neighborhood of $8,000 per day — to the backup singers, to the rigging, lighting and sound,” says a source close to the Lopez camp. “The woman requires everything short of flying monkeys to get on a stage.”

See, but maybe the screeching flying monkeys would at least distract us from Lopez' voice.

While we're on the topic EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS?!??!?
PER DAY!??!?!
Now this is the woman rumoured to slather La Mer on her generous posterior, but for that amount of money I'd be expecting Piaf.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers

No, As A Matter Of Fact I Won't Be Commenting on Seinfeld On Letterman

Thank you for all of the e-mails about how up in arms you were when Jerry trashed that other cookbook chick (Missy Chase Lapine the somewhat porny named author of “The Sneaky Chef") on Letterman last night.

We're all in unison on this one here, it's awkward if not completely tacky to pimp out your wife's cookbook just because you have enough money not only to buy her a reputation, but to slander someone else's at the same time (not to mention all of those shoes).

I used to find Jerry Seinfeld amusing, I even think that Seinfeld [the show] captured the zeitgeist of an era in a way that no one else did. In that regard I think that the Seinfelds have also captured the zeitgeist of our own celebrity obsessed/obsessive materialism/complete loss of soul/have/have not era in a way that suits their over the top lifestyle in a way that is depressing if not completely cautionary-- at best. Jerry Seinfeld as the new Gordon Gekko-(or Michael Bloomberg or Donald Trump) who knew?

As You Were....

Dead Celebrities Earn Mucho Dead Presidents

File this one under D for Depressing. While I futz about my day trying to scheme a scheme to finally pay me what what I'm worth (add another zero darling and I'll be a much less bitter old maid), celebrities who are long past their sell date are raking in the big bucks.

Forbes by way of MSNBC reports that from Elvis to Einstein (with a Warhol and Monroe thrown in for good measure) famous folks are frequently worth more dead than alive, with Mr. Presley's estate having generated $49 million dollars (that's a hell of a lot of peanut butter and banana sandwiches) in the last year alone (lucky Lisa Marie who owns a 15% stake in all this happiness).

And if you're wondering how Courtney Love can afford all of that new and improved nip and tuckage and peroxide (oh, gee, sorry. I meant health shakes) her departed former mate Kurt Cobain, (who one hopes has reached Nirvana) didn't appear on the list even though last year he had the dubious dead distinction of debuting in first place after the widow Love sold part of his song catalog for a reported $50 million. As if it isn't depressing enough to hear our fave tunes from the '80s selling everything from burgers to bras, in the near future we just might hear Smells like Teen Spirit on deodorant commercials.

As You Were....

Monday, October 29, 2007

Men Are From Lars - Scary Halloween Movie Alert!

Oh wait, silly me Lars and the Real Girl is supposed to be a sweet, romantic comedy in which the main character, traumatized by past life events falls in love with a woman (read sex doll) that he 'met' on the internet.*

That's not creepy at all.

Apparently the filmmakers took their inspiration from the celebrity arm candy of people like George Clooney and Matthew (put a damn shirt on already) Mcconaughey who seem to be dating their own Biancas.

Hey, just think about it for a second, with boob jobs and butt implants, collagen and Botox most of Hollywood is pretty close to being or finding their own silicone based true loves as well.

Ain't Love Grand?
* And no, I won't take cheap pot shots at internet dating. That's the way that we've met after all...

More Dumbledore

I know, I KNOW, you don't particularly care about the Harry Potter stuff, once toting around the latest tome no longer guarantees you so hip it hurts status.

Just a quick thought though- Edward Rothstein has a really thought provoking essay on the whole Dumbledore is gay thing. Truly lovely and as is his wont it's almost theological in citing detailed sources and resources- you should read it if you care about these things.

Thing is Eddie, who are we kidding? JK is hinting at a prequel (poor dear's proposed mystery series must really not be going well, public posturing notwithstanding) and to keep public interest up she's got to start the buzz way in advance. As book series go though, you've got to give the woman credit for creating an entire generational hysteria around what was at one point thought to be mostly ripped off plot. Wonder who'll be reading any of this stuff in a decade.

As You Were....

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Oprah,Oprah,Oprah -On A-Ha Moments and the Vernacularization of the Vajajay

Okay, let's just start off by saying that I do not hate Oprah Winfrey. She is a goddess of commerce having revolutionized not just the talk show genre but also the way that women, most especially minority women, women who do not necessarily represent society's ideal of beauty are perceived in the workplace.

Now then:

1. On a show last week she inferred that it was she in her infinite wisdom who coined or popularized the concept of 'A-ha moments' in her magazine. Yes dear, and that nice Gore boy invented the internet.
2. The Styles section of today's times is emblazoned with the popularization of the word 'vajayjay' to describe female genitalia. Eve Ensler may be annoying, but she at least is not guilty of further infantilizing women's popular culture by jumping on the "euphemism treadmill" (the brilliant phrase used in the article by Steven Pinker, a psychology professor at Harvard) in the way that Oprah seeks to. In short, vajayjay first appeared on that bastion of well coiffed/whining in scrubs actors, Grey's Anatomy (surely Dr. Henry Gray's proudest moment is in having inspired this sub-moronic nighttime version of General Hospital), the moment should have been forgotten or buried in reruns, but instead was better known for inspiring new slang. I could go on, but I pray that you choose wisely when describing your privates, and even more wisely when jumping on the idiotic bandwagon determined to create immediate pop culture slang to sneak past censors- everything from asshat to Generation Q. You are better, funnier, more original and creative than that- rise above.
3. Would someone care to elucidate me as to when the mutually masturbatory practice of celebrities gifting other celebrities with garish displays of wealth became (entertainment) news worthy? Apparently to thank La Winfrey for gently nudging her book to #1 on the bestseller lists, Jessica Seinfeld sent her 21 pairs of what Winfrey describes as being "the most sick shoes" including Christian Louboutins and other trinkets of the rich and feckless.

Not all celebrities are role models. Not all women in power empower women. One hopes though, that they could at least try a little harder not to provide so much less.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

B.O.M.B.s Against Java -Take Back the Bitter

As if there wasn't enough social injustice in the world today, I feel victimized by the new Maxwell House ads that proudly proclaim: "Here's To A World Without Bitterness." I actually shuddered there for a moment.

Here's a secret about being a bitter old maid, I'm not actually bitter, nor do I consider myself to be an old maid. So okay do I seem about my singular status that friends are actually stunned when I mention that I'm still looking for Mr. Right.

For those who has asked, this bitter old blog is meant to as mentioned entertain my friends and myself, but to also skewer collective culture's thoughts on where I should be in my personal life- married, babied and considerably less exuberant than I am. You see, society doesn't quite know what to make of someone who's extremely comfortable not only in her skin, career and place in the world, but one who continually forgets to fit an easy stereotype of an unmarried woman in her 30s navigating the brutal dating terrain. The men that I meet find their egos bruised by the notion that while I might not particularly need them to financially support me, I still might want their emotional support- but that's for another time.

Remember that episode of 90210 when the girls turned activists to take back the night? Well, this blog is about taking back the bitter. I'm not who you think I am, I am bitter here me roar!

Let's hear it for the B.O.M.B.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum Cleaner- Toys for Overprivileged Tots

So determined was I not to clean this hovel that I leafed through not only the usual trashy mags, but even the Toys R Us newspaper insert. Here are some of the subversive toys I noticed.

Did you ever notice just how many kitchen related toys there are for kids? Laugh & Learn 2-in-1 learning kitchen has a happy smiling refrigerator - and they wonder why kids in this country are obese?

For the junior Facebook set there's a Hokey-Pokey Elmo. Why [make the minimal amount of social interaction] send a super Poke when Elmo can do it for you?

The Amazing Pets Skate 'n Tricks Puppy has his poor little paws encased in puppy in line skates- for when torturing your own pets isn't enough!

Disney has a Fairies DVD player and 13" TV with the remote shaped like a wand with a star at the end. Perfect for your little princess or budding queen.

There's also "A PINKtacular collection for girls!" along with a Pink Boutique edition of Monopoly. Because sugar coating the PINKazation of women's cancers and October/breast cancer awareness month just isn't offensive enough!

More Star Wars toys than you can fathom for the children of geeks who somehow managed to marry and procreate. The Ben 10 Deluxe Omnitirix watch thing will ensure that the little guy will have just as little social interaction, friends or dates as dad did.

Just in case you haven't completely neglected your kids in favor of showering them with pricy baubles, you still have time to splash out on Barbie Escalades and other kiddie friendly mini 'vettes and Humvees.

Incidentally, the Daisy Pocket Mod AKA kiddie Vespa is all mine.

As you were....

If You're Happy And You Know It Watch A Chick Flick

S and I were supposed to go look at the foliage yesterday but it was too rainy and gloomy (thank god- I can't stand those relentlessly perfect weather days, give me some gloom and doom and I'm happiest) so we sat around at mine watching insipid movies and eating worse food.

Maeve Binchy (anyone know how to pronounce her last name?) may write sappy books, but she's one smart chick. We rented a fairly awful [though brimming with real estate porn] movie called Tara Road (with the pretty but talentless Andie Macdowell- and she is still cast in movies, why?) and the DVD extra footage was of Binchy talking at a rapid fire pace about the book/film. Anyway, she did at one point say that everyone in the film was searching for happiness, but if you don't have it you won't find it...She elaborated- some people think that they would be happy if they would have more money or are married, but there are plenty of people who are married and wealthy who are miserable. Too true - more on that another time. Tag line from the movie: People think they are on this earth just to be happy. Ah, those cheery Irish writers....So b.o.m.b. book club, are you happy if you think you're happy, or are you happy if other people think you're happy? Please discuss. My own thoughts on the subject will follow.

****Oh vomitus. I just discovered that Tara Road was an Oprah book pick, as God is my witness, there's no way I would have clapped eyes upon this had I but known. Incidentally, the movie The Holiday? can you spell rip off? Swap a dead son for a dead wife and an unknown balding Irish guy for Jude Law and you're on the right track.... Both flicks had great apartments and irritating leads (your call who you find less annoying- Cameron Diaz or Andie Macdowell) Rent both and agree with the genius that is the B.O.M.B.

As you were...

Friday, October 26, 2007

M.I.L.F. (Mothers I'd Like to Fine)

Here's a (lowbrow) pop (culture) quiz for this gloomy Friday:

Which limelight hogging stage mother recently said:
  • "There are so many misconceptions about me and my family. I'm setting the record straight."
  • "It's about empowering women to be successful single mothers,"
and let us not forget
  • "About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It's about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids' dreams."
If you guessed *we wonder how our life turned out this way* Queen Elizabeth or Uma *I'll do anything for a photo op* Thurman you're way off base because it's really *SHOCK* Dina Lohan or as I like to call her- Momma I've got no talent/no scruples/no dignity/let me keep pimping out my kid until every fiber of her fame and dignity has been extinguished and I can go on to the next one.

In an interview in People mag (I think it's People), Lohan the Senior (I know she's not that old, but she IS that scary and surgerized, so it is our civic duty to mock her) talks about how committed she is to clearing up misconceptions - so committed in fact that she's going to star in a reality TV series on E to talk about it. (Yawn+Barf. Will this onslaught of reality dreck never stop?) Apparently, she brought cameras into rehab with her and Linz, and refers to herself as the 'White Oprah' (Woprah?).

Breaking shrews, er news. Apparently Britney's mom is going to pen a tell all memoir in which according to a source she will will "give readers and fans a revealing look into her “personal story” of grooming Britney, 25, and Jamie Lynn, 16, into big-time celebs “while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community,” a source tells OK!.

The tome will be published by Thomas Nelson, a well-known Christian publisher. Praise the Lord that Judith Regan no longer has an imprint.

Ghost writers, fire up your quills- it's going to be a bumpy ride.

As you were
(Thanks D.C. for the head's up)

And While We're On The Subject Of

It occurs to me that single women everywhere should take their cue from a headline in the Wall Street Journal about Leopard, the new Mac operating system:

Leopard: Faster, Easier Than Vista

The rest is all tech jargon and boring, but I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today. Class dismissed.

***hums that old Waitresses song "I know what boys like. I know what guys want***

As you were....

The Future Of Dating in Major Cities?

File under U for Ugh or D for Depressing.

A new study in Current Biology journal shows that altering a gene in the brain of female worms changed their sexual orientation, and while the female worms still had female bodies, they behaved like males. (Obviously, the creators of the new Sex and the City movie were inspired by the study).

"They look like girls, but act and think like boys," Utah researcher Jamie White, who worked on the study said. Hmm. Now I know that I've heard that before, but usually when I was accused of having too much ambition or for not sitting prettily by the phone waiting for it to ring.

Erik Jorgensen, scientific director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah said the study is not likely to resolve the burning question about the genesis of sexual orientation in humans since"A human's brain is much more complex than a worm's brain." (He obviously has not been on lately.)

As you were....

At Long Last Love- What The Hell Was He Waiting For?

Yes, we're all radically evolved when it comes to dating, but maybe not so much in China's Zhejiang province where a 106 year old man named Pan Xiting just made an honest woman out of his 81 year old honey Chen Adi. Apparently, the couple have been together for eight years during which time she's been taking care of him.

Forgive me for asking the obvious, but did it really take her eight years to get this man to commit? So, he's this freewheeling bachelor of oh, I don't know - NINETY EIGHT YEARS OLD and she still can't get him to say I do for another eight years? Maybe he wanted to be sure to be as close to until death do us part as possible.....

Are nonagenarian single Chinese gents that much of a commodity? And here I thought it was hard to find a single Jewish guy in NYC.

Ain't Love Grand?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Get Paid To Make Out With Your Wife....

File this under I for I have no idea of what to think of this one.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think that you have to sex up art, there is inherent beauty and sexiness in the creative process if not production of art (no, I'm not referring to the sharks in formaldehyde) be it a Rubens or a Lichtenstein (funny you should mention it, the man must have been reading my mind half of the time). Anyway, The Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago features a new exhibit in which some real life couples recreate famous kisses (i.e. Rodin's The Kiss). Honestly, this feels kind of tacky to me, almost like a Lifetime TV real life inspired movie of the week with Jennifer Esposito starring in: Jennifer Lopez and her miracle babies.

One of the make outtees in the exhibit says "it's all foreplay and no payoff.'' Hmmm. maybe not such a bad idea after all.

Ain't (very public) Love Grand?
(FYI, I couldn't find the Lichtenstein that I wanted to use)

Whoops They've Done It Again- Maxim Names Unsexiest Women

Poor Britney, like she isn't having a bad enough year, what with the massive career and life meltdown and all, now Maxim magazine has named her one of the unsexiest women of the year. Topping the list is Sarah Jessica Parker and padding the center are Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Madonna.

Now, I won't go all feminist on your ass about this decision, since I'll probably treat you to that in my real incarnation. I will say though that Maxim is not known for celebrating or highlighting anything that even remotely resembles true beauty in women, and since their recent makeover they've gotten even more spiteful and childish.

What I'd really like to see are the publicity shots for the sure to be pot bellied and balding, gay or aging frat boys who made this decision for Maxim.

(though to be fair, their scariest faces of celebrities feature is wicked funny)

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Sigh. That Bill Clinton, He's Ever So Romantic!

So says Hillary Rodham Clinton.

In her ever evolving campaign to erode her former image as iron maiden turned cookie baker turned mean girl turned politician, turned vampette. the almost birthday girl is giving those dang right wingers something to applaud. Instead of appearing as a wronged wife, she's projecting the softer image of a woman scorned who moves on and forgives her man. She even says Bill is romantic! (To her you doubtful bastards). When asked for specifics, she tells Essence magazine that her man is so romantic " He's always bringing me back things from his trips" including apparently a Chanel watch because the white cubes reminded him of her teeth. (bared at him after the incident with that woman perhaps?)

Now to be honest, I have myself been blessed to be under the blinding rays of the Hillary smile, and I didn't automatically think Chanel watch, more like, damn that's an impressive faux **I think I know you so I'll smile at you because you know everyone else in the room so you must be someone worth knowing** smile

I actually think this was a great statement to make. After all, Hillary is both a businesswoman and politician. It would have been foolish for her to walk away from her biggest investment and jewel in the crown just because he apparently can't keep his pants zipped. "I never doubted that it was a marriage worth investing in even in the midst of those challenges and I'm really happy that I made that decision. Again, not a decision for everybody. And I think it's so important for women to stand up for the right of women to make a decision that is best for them."

We await you and your Chanel watch in the White House soon Madame President.

Who's Your Diddy?

Good morning class, time for a pop quiz- besides the Police-y riffed tribute thing to B.I.G., name a Diddy song.

Okay, since that's too tough name a P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs (or any other combination and permutation of the rap mogul's moniker) melody.

Still stuck? Me too. I sometimes play a game with myself, knowing someone's worth zillions, but being clueless as to what their mass appeal and reach is. Actually, according to "Hip-Hop Cash Kings" list it's $28 million for 2006, though a Diddyite acolyte (maybe the umbrella holding guy?) insists that this Bad Boy's 2006 income is vastly undervalued- great way to tip off the IRS! Snap!

Where was I? Oh right. Diddy pooh poohs the notion that he beat up someone at a nightclub earlier this month in a fight over a woman. Now, the only time that I rubbed (Zegna clad) shoulders with the mogul himself was at a launch event for some cosmetic thing or another. The Didster was due to go to court the next day about some other unpleasant assault thing or another. To be honest, he looked like a deer in the headlights (or a deer with headlights based on the ginormous diamond studs he was sporting- unlike that clip on earring wearing Jamie) at that one, surrounded by burly bodyguards. He did a lap around the red carpet before beating a hasty retreat.

As for the more recent scuffle, De Doo Doo Doo Diddy says "It was something that was just totally overblown...I don't fight over girls!" Combs told a news conference to unveil a new business venture with Diageo PLC, the world's biggest alcoholic drinks group. But he added, "I am a human being and I will get into an argument at times."

Police sources have said Combs was being investigated in relation to an alleged fight over a woman at a New York City nightclub early in the morning on Oct 14.

When asked if there had been any legal follow-through, Combs said, "They looked into it. There are so many other things going on in the city." ( I promise not to comment at all on just how neatly packaged this sounds to me. I also promise not to keep scouring the news for stories on a newly donated Diddy kiddy pool or park).

As you were....

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mariah's Moustache? Well Hello Dali!

Okay, your call on this one. Was Mariah Carey faintly glistening or was she sporting a full fledged goatee and 'stache? The notorious d.i.v.a. was spotted moments before an appearance on The Today show being either patted down or denuded by a devoted assistant.

I don't know about you, but I was more mesmerized by the size of her bountiful (new?) bosom and the fact that she's starting to look a lot like everyone's great aunt Zsa Zsa, to notice if she was or wasn't sporting a five o'clock shadow.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers...

And You Thought Paris Was Giving The Hilton Chain A Bad Name.

Who says that there aren't any great jobs left for women? All it takes is creativity and the strong urge to do things differently - while keeping track of the local laws of course.

An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples. The 31 year old woman is also alleged to have "crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," which is in breach of hotel licensing laws.

"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.

Oh well, she can always work at Hooters.

As you were...

Desperate (to be a) Housewife

Robert Chambers, who was known back in the '80s as the "preppy killer" is back in jail, this time for dealing coke. While I was too young to remember the hows and whys of the case, I do remember the shock at his murder of Jennifer Levin, and the headlines as his priest and parents came to his defense. This time he was accompanied only by girlfriend Shawn Kovell, also accused of dealing drugs.

Now, this isn't a post meant to make you laugh. If it makes you think, I'll be gratified.

As a kid I remember the lesson of the Levin murder being that's what happens to Jewish girls who are trouble and who mess with big goyish boys. For me, the message is actually more tragic. From marrying a Menendez brother, to O.J. Simpson's girlfriend, to Shawn Kovell dating (and dealing drugs with) Robert Chambers, one wonders at the warped kind of woman who would date a high profile murderer. Yes, I do believe in rehabilitation. I also believe that it takes a complete lack of self esteem or limelight seeking desperation to allow your only claim to fame to be that you are the significant other of a convicted murderer.

Ladies, you'd be better off alone.

As you were....

Here Chickie Chickie+Feed Me (A plea for help)

I'm a complete ignoramus about computery things. Someone told me to feed my blog to Facebook and was then kind enough to walk me through the process, so done and done. Some others have asked me to add chicklets to this page and feeds and to add the page to feedburner. Can someone tell me what the hell that is and how I can do it?

You'd be the bomb if you did!

He's Got A Nice Package Allright

Seal had better hope that his wife yummy mummy Heidi Klum doesn't see the giant Calvin Klein billboards with Djimon Hounsou in his tightie whities.

Apparently, the story of how their more enduring than Heathcliff and Cathy love affair came to be, will be revealed on Thursday's Oprah, including this heartwarming sneak peak of how Heidi fell for Seal when she saw him clad in a pair of bicycle shorts (perhaps the ugliest article of clothing ever invented). "I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow."

I'm guessing that was the same reaction she had upon learning of her first baby daddy Formula One racing zillionaire Flavio Briatore's bank account.

Ain't love grand?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Since You Asked....

I love your e-mails, even if I don't answer all of them. Here are a couple of answers to your most common questions:

1. No. I don't have any cats. I don't like cats. I've never seen Cats on Broadway either for that matter. I'm a Bitter Old Maid from Brooklyn, but not a STEREOTYPICAL Bitter Old Maid From Brooklyn - there's a major distinction. Read and learn young ones.
2. Yes, in fact one person did guess who I was. I lied and told him he was wrong though.
3. There is just one of me, this isn't a TMZ type situation, you won't find out later that there's an entire coven of B.O.M.B.s.
4. No, this isn't a publicity stunt for a new movie or anything a la LonelyGirl15, it's an outlet, and a fun way of amusing others and myself and requires neither batteries nor condoms.
5. Yes. I read all of your e-mails, and I love you right back.
6. It's actually surreal that my alter (altar) ego is exponentially more popular than I am.
7. Nah, I'm not going to write about Halle Berry and that nose comment, because I don't think she's a racist per se, just self involved and not terribly bright or P.C., I was more insulted about the faux after-statement in which she stated that she was talking backstage with 3 Jewish girls who work for her (I'll bet some of her best friends are Jewish! Maybe even Black!) besides, she's single and pregnant at 41 giving hope to single B.O.M.s everywhere, so in this at least she gets a special dispensation. Next time though, I'll be ready to rumble.

As You Were....

Girls With Diseases Get The Best Boyfriends

Ever since Ashley Wilkes fawned over the delicate flower Miss Mellie in Gone With The Wind (like you never noticed that the incredibly resilient and self sufficient Scarlett O'Hara couldn't stay in a relationship, kept choosing the wrong men and ended up alone?), it's struck me that the he-man instincts of the perhaps less evolved man caused him to become attracted to and subsequently take care of his frail and oh so feminine counterpart.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm bitter, not insensitive, but did you ever notice how come all of the women's magazines have these heartwarming stories of women with dread diseases and the men who stick by them through it all? Honestly, if I get so much as a hangnail, my man is out the door, and while I contend with less than optimum health, but my medical conditions aren't 'sexy.' I really wonder why it's the girls' with the big diseases that get the best guys.

Well, enjoy this one, it's heartwarming. God I hate heartwarming. No really, read it. It will restore your faith in other people's fiances Fiancé donates kidney to woman he loves.

Ain't love grand?

What's That Got To Do With The Price Of Shoes (manufactured) In China?

Okay, so this isn't my usual bitter old post anyway, but something that I've been trying to figure out for a while. We all know that celebrities pimp out, I mean license their names for products, but what the hell is Carlos Santana doing selling his name to sell shoes?

Take a look at the cutsie website, with a guitar inspired logo no less, and the pick of the month is illustrated with a guitar pick, geddit? So freakin' funny- not to mention fashionable.

The about page tries to lamely cobble together the music with the shoes: "Carlos by Carlos Santana are hip, hot fashionable shoes inspired by the passion and energy that surround Santana's music.

Carlos footwear is designed for women who demand fashion and love shoes. We bring the latest trends in materials, colors, shapes and detailing with a hip Carlos point-of-view that appeals to 'fashionistas' - who want shoes that will 'make' an outfit - not 'match' it."

Honestly, that is some of the most lame copywriting I have ever had the misfortune of being judgemental about, and seriously, if you look to Carlos to inspire your fashion, then I'm guessing you might want to rethink your definition of fashionista. Next you'll be looking to Stevie Van Zandt for advice on hair accessories.

While we're on the topic, I should tell you that when I'm looking for shoes online (some might call it self medicating) I have an actual physical reaction when I find myself clicking on a picture and later finding it to be Jessica Simpson or the aforementioned Carlos' label shoes. Sort of like that episode in Seinfeld (I told you I was turning into a guy- now I'm quoting Seinfeld) where George goes to a male massage therapist and is freaked out because 'it moved'. That's how distressed I get when I'm attracted to Jessica Simpson shoes, and even an ice cold shower won't wash away the shame, fear and loathing.

I'm just about done, but I also have a morbid fear of being attracted to cheapo shoes, or being outed as someone with more taste than shekels, but just between us- can you tell me why the gold Giuseppe Zanotti shoes on the left have a list price of $553.95 while the Poetic Licence (their spelling, not mine) pair is $79.50? And don't go spewing quality and handcrafted from the foreskins of baby lambs- I know how you roll and I'm not buying it. (but only because I maxed out the plastic)

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers
(thanks P.K.)

A Rose (Ceremony) By Any Other Name Is Just As Twee

I watched The Bachelor last night- but trust me it was under extreme duress. One of my friends suggested that this hour o'drivel would make for a great post. Honestly? My stomach is still kind of queasy. I'm not a TV fan at the best of times and find the concept of reality television to be mostly a contradiction in terms.

Here's my conclusion:
  • The Bachelor is hot. No doubt about that, and his accent is seriously swoon inducing.
  • The creator or producer of the series must have been rejected by every single woman that he has ever met in his entire life- I kid you not, from grammar school to junior high to high school to college, this person probably didn't get laid until his forties, and only then because he was a successful wealthy producer. The Bachelor is his way of humiliating skinny, beautiful mostly blonde girls exactly like the ones who rejected him for most of his life.
  • The audience of this show is intended to be: Bitter Old Matrons who can gleefully watch these poor insecure girls and smugly think to themselves- 'thank God that's not me. My husband might be bald/fat/unemployed and impotent, but at least I don't have to go on a reality TV show to snag him.'
Seriously, who came up with the idea of letting these women sit around and watch each other go off and snog the bachelor? (Bettina is OUR biggest competion?) I think that mother nature should wreak her own revenge by giving the entire chick collective a raging consecutive case of permanent PMS.

I could go on and on, about how all of these girls could see themselves falling in love with him (she hopes the dress reminds him of a wedding dress? that's not scary or premature), how they're all picking up a vibe and how he is just connecting/feeling up/boffing each and every one of them, but honestly, why bother? If you're on to further your acting career then at least you might want to, I don't know- consider acting lessons maybe?

Let's just say that I won't be giving this series a rose any time soon.

Oh, and there's a word for relationships like this one in the states, it's illegal and it's called polygamy, and in foreign countries there's a similar concept- only there they call it a harem, and if you want entertainment in a similar vein you probably should watch Big Love, at least the relationships feel more real than these do.

Ain't (manufactured) love grand?

I Am My Own Husband

That dang insomnia is kicking in for a change. I initially urged myself back to sleep, then I tried to cajole myself to go for an early run. Who am I kidding? For an early walk, or shuffle - a run on these city sidewalks being murder on these ancient knees. I refused my suggestion of a walk, so I then tried to convince myself to clean up the hovel, I mean apartment that I dwell in. I took a look around at the cave formerly known as a pied a terre, and it hit me like an ice cold dirty martini dramatically flung in the face of a hairy backed blind date who dared to attempt a grope- I have become the husband/boyfriend that my attached friends bitch and moan about.

I stay out until all hours of the night
I refuse to cook and can easily eat my dinner standing up in the kitchen
I socialize with my clients more than my loved ones
I shamelessly flirt with all the little crumpets that come my way with no thought to anything serious
This apartment used to be gorgeous and spotless to boot, but it's not like I even notice the mess on my way to and from my frequent debauchery. (Okay, I *wish* debauchery, but we're going for a theme here)
I forget birthdays, anniversaries and all of those Hallmark holidays
I rarely do laundry (yeah, like you would if you saw the laundry room in this building) and instead have adopted the charming habit of throwing out my undies and splurging on new ones instead.
I'm getting a spare tire - hell, I've got a matching set of whitewalls at this point

In defense of me though-
I'm so charming that I can talk my way out of just about any situation and no one can really stay angry at me for long
I'm so good at what I do that people bandy about terms like genius, gifted and success
Everyone loves me, though they secretly think that I'm too good for the likes of me

Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but why would I try to date him if I've become him?

As you were....

Monday, October 22, 2007

Deceive, Pray, Age - Amazon's Commandments for Trophy Wives...

Procrastination, thy name is Bitter Old Maid in Brooklyn. I have a thousand and one things to do, and yet here I am. Okay, a quick neurotic glance at the Amazon bestsellers 12 seconds ago produced these three books AKA Oprah's honeys are in the top spots:

1. Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food Deceptively Delicious:
Simple Secrets to Get
Your Kids Eating Good Food

by Jessica Seinfeld (Author)
Average Customer Review:
Usually ships in 5 to 6 weeks
(yikes! why so long?)

2. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia Eat, Pray, Love:
One Woman's Search
for Everything Across
Italy, India and Indonesia

by Elizabeth Gilbert (Author)
Average Customer Review:
In Stock (No idea why she trekked
across the world, she could have found
it all on the strip on Coney Island Avenue)

3. The Wisdom of Menopause: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing During the Change, 2nd Edition The Wisdom of Menopause:
Creating Physical and
Emotional Health and
Healing During the Change,
2nd Edition

by Christiane Northrup (Author)
Average Customer Review:
In stock on October 22, 2007 (Judging this
book by the cover, apparently a lot
of Botox must help with the hot flashes,
and by 'the change' I'm guessing
she doesn't mean the one so
popular in all the teen
vampire books)

Anyway, it occurs to me that the top three books are something of a skewed perception of what a trophy wife's life must be like- played out for the Amazon crowd.

1. Eat: Loads of glamorous dinners with well connected friends and, um, practice your impressive oral skills
2. Pray: That he doesn't trade you in for a newer, more pneumatic version, one without stretchmarks
3. Age: And pretend to be graceful about it while traveling to exotic destinations to have your face stretched like so much Play Doh into a mostly unrecognizable version of your younger self.

As you were....

Least Stylish, Least Active, Least Friendly- Oh My!

Grace Kelly must have been the last of the Philly beauties, since apparently it's all been downhill since then. Reuters today reported that according to a new survey "Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States." (they obviously have never seen my yearbook) To add insult to injury they were also found to be the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the "America's Favorite Cities" survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News.

Coming just above Philly in the poll were Washington DC and Dallas/Fort Worth, while Miami and San Diego are home to the most attractive people.

Okay, I've dated guys from DC and powerful as they may be they're egotastic and anything but cute, and their female counterparts definitely seem to be missing the style gene. As for Miami - these pollsters must have been focused on South Beach mamis and not Miami Beach bubbies.

Philadelphians' have apparently been comforting themselves with a big old hoagies & cheese steaks, since national surveys showing they are among the fattest people in the United States. The American Obesity Association ranked the city in the top 10 for overweight people every year between 2000 and 2005. Apparently though, they're very loyal sports fans though they haven't had a national champion in any of its four main sports since the 76ers won the National Basketball Association title in 1983.

They may be unattractive, fat, provincial slugs- but at least they're loyal! Thanks Travel & Leisure mag- that's so comforting! I'm sure subscription rates to the 19019 zip code are about to skyrocket!

As you were....

Shiny, Happy Mug Shots - Rock N Roll Jesus Arrested

Kid Rock has been arrested (gotta love Reuters, they didn't even mention his real name, and just kept referring to him as 'Rock') moments after scoring his first #1 album Rock N Roll Jesus, but more than that accomplishment he's got a really decent mug shot and seems to know it.

The the always elegant, amazingly eloquent ex-Mr. Pammy was picked up after a scuffle in a waffle house in Atlanta. It's nice to know that celebrities of a certain standing never try to overreach and become like, say, the Brad Pitts of the world but instead choose to keep their comfort level on an even keel. Um, and is the Jesus thing a new career direction for him? It seems to be working though, I mean, he looks beatifically happy.

As you were....

Panties For Peace

I like the Dalai Lama a lot. As exiled living icons of protest go, he's funny, attractive, well spoken and best of all single! (yes, I realize that he's also celibate and a monk, but he'd be great to take to parties). Also, his wardrobe is a bit too Rome first season, but show me a perfectly dressed man without the help of a wife or girlfriend, and I'll introduce you to the next Village Person. (Exceptions are made however for the label loving pope and his red patent Prada shoes, I mean really, he has to wear a white dress most of the time, of course he's going to try to accessorize well).

Anyway, one would imagine that His Holiness is cringing at the new Panties for Peace campaign meant to pressure Burma's military regime. The maneuver is meant to be "a calculated insult to the junta and its leader, General Than Shwe. Superstitious junta members believe that any contact with female undergarments - clean or dirty - will sap them of their power, said Jackie Pollack, a member of the Lanna Action for Burma Committee." Then again, I think that thongs are a calculated insult to women everywhere, with that tiny, painful floss creeping into my nether regions- honestly, there's no crime nor military regime against VPL, but I digress.

A message on the activists' website reads (I couldn't get into the website, so I can't confirm): "This is your chance to use your Panty Power to take away the power from the SPDC. You can post, deliver or fling your panties at the closest Burmese Embassy any day from today. Send early, send often."

I think there's a message to be sent to tyrannical despots, I'm just not sure that it should be done with lingerie. Then again, who knew that Britney and Paris's bare ladygarden's were actually strong (shaved) political statements?

As you were....
(thanks S.K. for the tip)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

To The Left, To The Left- Dumbledore is Queer, Did You Hear?

J.K. Rowling, in a brilliant marketing move/spectacular moment of *let's squeeze the last remaining drop of possible press potential out of this Potter kid before I disappear into the ether for good* announced that Albus Dumbledore, the head of the famed Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft was in fact about as straight as Elton John.

According to a piece in Newsweek, during a reading for a packed audience in Carnegie hall One fan asked whether Albus Dumbledore, the head of the famed Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, had ever loved anyone. Rowling smiled. "Dumbledore is gay, actually," replied Rowling as the audience erupted in surprise. She added that, in her mind, Dumbledore had an unrequited love affair with Gellert Grindelwald, Voldemort's predecessor who appears in the seventh book. After several minutes of prolonged shouting and clapping from astonished fans, Rowling added. "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy."

Or perhaps on the realization that pissing off the religious right was in fact building her audience in the creative left, Rowling decided the time was ripe to announce a gay character.

Ain't love grand?

Kelly Slater- Backup Boyfriend And The Revolving Dating Wheel Of The Famous

Okay, a moment of silence for the hotness that is Kelly Slater.

Now then, what's up with him being the rebound boyfriend for everyone from Cameron Diaz (yes, yes, deny it all you want) Bridget Moynahan (after breakup from Tom Brady) to Leo DiCaprio (dang that's an ugly website) castoff Bar Refaeli (I was so sure Leo would opt for a high profile wedding and mini me) the little Israeli girl who could?

Apparently, Kelly got into a scuffle over the weekend with Israeli cops after he attacked the paps who tried to get a shot of him with Bar.

Now for the non genetically gifted among us, let's get this wheel of booty straight for a moment:
Kelly is dating Bar ---> who dated Leo --->who dated Gisele --->who dated Tom --->who knocked up Bridget---> the only logical conclusion? Next up on the agenda will be Gisele and Bridget pulling an Ellen and Ann.


Ain't love grand?

Other People I'm Not

Okay, I really must get some fresh air and then dig into a day of work (yes. I am that pathetic to be working on a Sunday), but to set the record straight on some e-mails I received over the weekend.

I am NOT:

Julia Allison: Julia is fabulous in a different way than I am. She still cares about popular opinion and the general approval matrix- I in fact do not. I'm also too old to be Julia. Thanks for the guess though.

Judith Regan: While I knew Judith in the past, and even though I am a member of the tribe, she was always extremely kind to me, we are in fact not one in the same. She is much more volatile and impatient than I am. She also doesn't write her own material, that kind of bilious genius/insanity (take your pick) remains best served unscripted. I'm also too young to be Judith. Thanks for the guess though.

Naomi Wolf
: Naomi Wolf takes herself seriously, very, very seriously. You're kidding, right? Besides- I'm too freakin' young to be Naomi. Though judging by the calendar and the big freakin' birthday I have coming up, I'm also very, very old. Thanks for the guess though.

Helen Fielding, Candace Bushnell or Sophie Kinsella, but trust me- my publisher wishes that I was. And yes you sneaky devil, I know that now you have a clue that I write books. The Shock! you still don't know who I am.

As you were...

Required Reading- Well Hello! There

As those of you in the know know, I tend to spend my weekends curled up with Brit gossip mags and fashion rags. Oh to wallow in Hello! to hot things up with Heat and to be in the moment with Now. (Not to mention Grazia, Tatler, Vogue, Red, Harper's and whatever other glossy crap I can lay my grubby hands on). My thought process behind the tabloid and women's mag orgy is that it's like a tiny vacation- in English! While I speak Fashion French and Italian, I much prefer not to strain to access mon dose de bavardage hebdomadaire (blame Babelfish if that makes no sense to you).

Well, this weekend, I didn't get my required dose, but did find some tidbits that I must share.

From Hello (October 16th issue):

The Original Supermodel and Style Icon Marie Helvin (their description- not mine, I don't know who the hell Marie Helvin is but apparently aging trousersnakes Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty among others tried to get in her pants). "When people tell me I look good for my age, I tell them I don't have the stresses of children and a husband." (Is that why I look so freakin' good?). This comment made me laugh too: "Plastic surgery? Absolutely, I approve, but everyone says once you start it's difficult to stop." Duh. I may have only the vaguest idea of who you are Marie Helvin, but even in retouched photos I can tell that it's been years since you've known when to stop.

Hello also had it's requisite extensive wedding shots, this time of Sir Ben Kingsley and his "new" love Daniela (she's the new love, we don't have to mention her last name as long as we remember the Sir). My fave quote from this spread: " I wanted it to be at home because we're very private here. It suited our temperaments to keep it small" So private in fact that you then whored out the photos to Britain's biggest gossip mag. Positively precious and oh so private!

Ain't love grand?

Just Saying- How I Became The B.O.M.B.

I am extremely exhausted and should be working on *the big project*, but instead am sharing my early Sunday a.m. thoughts with you.

This blog was started to amuse a small group of friends, what I didn't quite realize that in literally a matter of days (three to be exact) I'd tap into a network of BOMs and almost BOMs and have BOMs or were BOMs.

I set out to amuse and to also shut up those who frequently hock me with the oft repeated statement that: You're so funny you should be on stage. I am that funny therefore I don't need the stage, besides- the world is my stage- literally.

My point in starting this blog was empowerment (stop groaning, I promise not to pull an Oprah on you and insist that you start a gratitude journal.)

Anyway, my point is this one, single isn't fatal. Single for an extended period of time during which you date Mr. Wildly Unsuitable, Mr. So Repressed He Thinks It's Kinky, Mr. You're Too Successful For Me or Mr. I Got Engaged But Forgot To Tell You Let's Still Snog, doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you single in a time when popular magazines want you to be double, and when popular media tells you that you're abnormal to keep holding out for something better.

As for me? I'd rather laugh than cry- I've spent enough time doing that.

And thank you for all of the wonderful e-mails. I'm not being secretive, it's just a lot of pressure being me and being The B.O.M.B at the same time.

As you were....

Saturday, October 20, 2007

What If The Slipper Didn't Fit?

I am back (mercifully early) from what is probably the worst first date of my life.

Oh wait, the actual worst first date of my life involved too much novocaine (him) bad dental work (him again) a suspended license (like you thought that would be me?) and a driver's ed car with two steering wheels and two sets of brakes (Yes. As a matter of fact I did keep hitting the brakes when he drove like a little old lady from Pasadena on speed).

Anyway, back to present dating horrors.

Earlier in the day I was visiting B--- and her little munchkin A---. You don't know this but a few weeks ago my credit card was jacked, and apparently the new criminal tactic du jour is to charge stupid little things to see if you're sleeping at the wheel, before they change the address on your account and go for the trailer and lifetime supply of Bud- so keep checking your receipts. (Thank you Bank of America for catching those f*ckers.)

Anyway, these brilliant criminals started making all kinds of idiotic purchases like a green card application (even I'm not imaginative enough to make that one up) and membership to the Walt Disney movie club. Um, morons, check my records, my only expenditures for the last year have been at the holy trinity of Sephora, Barney's and Butter - do you think I'm going to start shopping for kiddie vids and support hose now?

Anyway, I couldn't get through to Disney to return the damn DVDs (WORST customer service- EVER) so I took them along for the almost niece. The princess loving A---was excited about Cinderella III A Twist in Time (Cinderella meets Sliding Doors?) but also incredibly distressed at the prospect of Cindy ending up alone and kept repeating the tag line: What if the Slipper didn't fit?

What if the Slipper didn't fit Auntie B.O.M.B. ?
What if the Slipper didn't fit?

Well then dear heart- apparently you end up like me. Dating Austin Powers and blogging about it when you get home for the amusement of others.

As you were....

Friday, October 19, 2007

Deceptively Suspicious- Creamed Spinach Copycat

While I blithely went on commenting on plucky little Jessica Seinfeld's meteoric rise to the top of the book charts (Shock! Amazement! How could it happen?) I completely forgot to mention the story in the New York Times today that elucidates certain similarities in her new book Deceptively Delicious with a previously published cookbook. Now, interesting conundrum, ya think they're going to blame the ghost or 'fess up that it's a miraculous case of synchronicity?

Yum yum. I'm just dying to eat over at the Seinfelds' now- pureed spinach in brownies! It doesn't get any better than that...

Jerry says: “Let’s be realistic — my wife isn’t in this for the money or the publicity.” (Which is why she appeared on Oprah, and which is why JS then made Kissy poo to the big O to thank her for pushing Mrs. S's book to #1!)
Jess says: “I can’t explain a coincidence like this,” Ms. Seinfeld said, “but I applaud it and I wish there were 10 more books like mine because I’m not in this for a competition, I’m in this to help families.”

Which is why the book is actually not sold in stores but given away for free, why Jess has decided to forgo an advance and royalties in favor of donations to orphanages. Yeah right, and I can wear the Calvins I wore in high school. It's nice to know that this was a labor of altruism on the part of the Seinfelds because celebrities never, ever try to cash in on their fame and fortune with vanity book projects.

Chew on that...

No, I'm Not Michelle WIlliams- Funny You Should Ask.

First of all, who are you people and how did you find me? I've been writing this blog for mere minutes and already you're sending me love poems and tasty tidbits? While I thank you for the love/bile/sharing and caring, I'm mostly stunned.

And to Alix in Cobble Chill- You don't know me. Really. You don't. And I'm not Michelle *I'm so indie I cut my hair short like Mia Farrow moved to Brooklyn (but not to a scary neighborhood because that would be too indie) and got babied up in my twenties* Williams, because she's not an old maid. She's just the formerly precious other half of Heath *I'm so hot I don't have to bathe unless I'm nominated for something gold and shiny* Ledger

And Dita? You don't know me either. Now stop trying to figure out who I am and enjoy the snark.

As you were,

The Lord of The (Engagement) Rings

Okay, if Ivana's ring was a bit over the top, Andria Castellano (of that family?) was maybe more inappropriate. I mean who the hell gives a 21 year old a ring worth $48,800.00? Dean Kuehnen Jr. did, but now that the engagement is off (awww. poor babies) he's suing to get the 3.23-carat ring back.

The legal action states: "The sole and exclusive consideration, motivation and reason for buying the ring was the contemplated marriage," Note the use of the word contemplated. Like, um, huh, I'd like to think about it for a while - while sporting this ginormous rock.

A lot of my PR friends in NYC employ a similar tactic- instead of The Starter Wife, we used to call it the first fiance. See the thought process is that guys only want what they can't have, so an engaged woman is doubly as enticing as a single one, and in the case of Jerry Seinfeld and wife Jessica (lucky girl, her hubby just bought her ((ghostwriter?)) a best seller), or Prince Charles and Camil-ugh, a married one is even sexier.

Ain't love grand?

Serenity Now - So Says Cecilia

Wow. I knew it was bad between France's first fox Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife former model/former 1/2 of a couple that Nick had married during his tenure as Mayor in 1984 (got that? he met her when he performed her first marriage) but I wasn't expecting the announcement of a divorce, but rather a long lingering separation (the couple maintain residences in New York and Palm Beach). Mme former first lady says: "I am someone who likes the shadows, serenity, tranquility." (Is that code for- leave me alone as I head to South America for a post-break-up nip and tuck?)

Score one for brevity: "In a 15-word statement, Sarkozy's office said the two were separating by mutual consent and would not comment further on the decision. Sarkozy's spokesman said separation meant divorce."

This is SOOOO much more fun to watch than The Bachelor.

Ain't love grand?

Mean URLs 1

Coty's site for Sarah Jessica Parker's fragrances is simply Sarah Jessica Parker Beauty - 'nuff said. (Who were the geniuses who thought up 'lovely' and 'covet' anyway? Have you even seen the Covet ads from the UK? Track them down post haste,or enjoy the image to your left- you'll get the idea. Nothing says- mmm, get me some of that, like a scary looking celebrity in prison. Hmmm. Maybe SJP will start selling hair extensions next?).

Speaking of which, have you seen the press shots for Carrie's wedding (or dream sequence) in the new Sex and The City movie? (duh. who hasn't- we've been drowning in press shots) I know that they say that all brides are beautiful, but in this case I think we'll all agree to make an exception.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

As you were...