Miss Me Much?

I've missed you too puddings. I've been doing fabulous things with my fabu life and haven't actually had time to sprinkle you with vitriol, though you were on my mind.

As Ahnold said- I'll be back.

As you were....

Gestation Sensation

In what is truly a measure of the miracles of modern science, everyone's favourite living, breathing wax statue Nicole Kidman is with child. La Kidman, [who in The Golden Compass has proven effectively for once and for all that her acting skills much like Sampson were dependent on her once resplendent mane] and hunky and highlighted hubby Keith [they tried to make me go to rehab and I said great career move]Urban are expecting their first sprog sometime this summer.

Never one to cast aspersions on Hollywood proclivities towards disposable children, but doesn't anyone else feel just a wee bit sad for original adopted kids Connor and Isabella, who have to take a giant step back now that Nicole and Tom are reproducing on their own? Just saying.

As you were....

This Museum Is The Pitts -

- Brad Pitt's. No really, Brad's hometown of Springfield, Missoreh (the new official armPitt of America?) is creating an official shrine to the actor best known for pretending to be not only an architect but also a multi-hued adoptive wannabe local saint.

Susan Wade, head of PR for the town, says, "Springfield is very Midwestern and family oriented. We're glad to have Brad as part of our history and culture. In fact, we need a Brad Pitt Museum."

Did you hear that? That was the sound of the last nail being hammered into the coffin of viable American pop culture.

In related news Angelina Jolie is planning on adopting a town in Missouri and naming it after herself. Not really- but you know she would if she could.

As you were....

Jackson is the new Tyler

As the naming of Poppy Montgomery's new cherub proves, Jackson is the overwhelmingly popular name of choice in the three and under set. New baby Jackson Phillip Kaufman joins the ranks of similarly monikered teeter totter tyrants world-wide.

As you were

Cashmere Mafia- Of Moths And Men

You know how sometimes you're driving blithely along along the highway and from a great distance you see the blinking lights of what appears to be a really bad car wreck? As you get closer you see it's going to be a really big pile-up. You promise yourself you're not going to look. Not even for a minute. And you do. And you're grossed out. And depressed. And you slow down and shake your head in amazement that something so horrible and painful is so incredibly public. And then you're depressed for the rest of the day...

Well, that's the Cashmere Mafia - and it almost makes me wish the writer's strike had started sooner.

No engaging characters. Gotta love the great friends here too- hey! did you know you're husband was cheating on you? Well, we did! and in the spirit of Spice Girls inspired girl power we're going to tell you about it just seconds before you win an award! Because we're girlfriends girlfriend! And even though we're CEOs in FIVE INCH HEELS we have time for lunch and drinks and dinner and gossipy texts. Because we're CEOs. In FIVE INCH HEELS.

Sex and the City was depressing and unrealistic enough, and yet women embraced it as the holy grail of being single. Cashmere Mafia is depressing and unrealistic- but hopeless too - just what you want from your chick shit entertainment. Not. Husband cheating? Well, why not make an impassioned declaration in front of your friends to remain married to the bastard 'cuz you just hate being single. Makes sense to me.

Here's the Cliff Notes version:

Darren Star likes making TV series about women that are really about gay men.
Pat Fields has really hideous taste.
Lucy Liu needs to be force fed a cheeseburger. And some fries.

'Nuff Said.

As you were...

Bad News/Good News/Celebrity Wedded Blues

The bad news is that the formerly dishy Josh Duhamel is engaged to that sorta tranny looking Fergie. I say formerly dishy because as soon as Joshy hooked up with pee in my pants in public 'cuz I'm all drugged up/I have more Botox than a Hollywood Wife and creepy piercings/and a serious dearth of actual musical talent but lots of hair extensions Fergie, he slid waaaaaaay down on the cute-o-meter.

That said Brendan Fraser is free! Um, because he and his wife are divorcing. Which is sad, because he seems like a nice guy. Also, he seems half gay- is he?

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are divorcing too which is good news for Robin, because Sean is careening towards crazytown™ in a big way. And his hair looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. And his movies suck. And he's pompous. And- here, you fill in the blanks now_____________________.

Ain't love grand?

And The Publicist Says..

As expected, Camp Smith has issued a counter statement to address the outrage over Will Smith's casually tossed off references to Hitler.

Smith's PR says that Smith says: "It is an awful and disgusting lie, It speaks to the dangerous power of an ignorant person with a pen. I am incensed and infuriated to have to respond to such ludicrous misinterpretation." "Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet," read the statement.

Actually Will, it speaks to the dangerous power of a celebrity with a mass audience trying to sound interesting. I find real danger in ignorant celebrities shooting off irresponsibly about major issues and public figures assuming that the press will work overtime to make them look less stupid. For better or worse people look up to you (I know, I can't figure it out either) and tossing off references to mass murdering world figures doesn't endear you to a good portion of your ticket buying audience.

As you were.....

Will Smith And Uneducated, Dangerous Celebrity Opinions

Oh where to begin. It's annoying enough when celebrities tell us to vote or protect the planet, because, um, they're pretty and famous and overpaid and therefore we should trust their opinion on important things like- Oh, I don't know- selecting the commander in chief.

Then you have the dangerously idiotic famous folks, who are so used to spewing daily inanities that they then try on major world events and historical tragedies for size, and try to give them a capped tooth grin and feel good spin. The latest in that category would be the former Fresh Prince who is mostly stale and to be blunt, dangerously stupid.

Smith recently tried to make nice to the reputation of one of the greatest mass murderers in history Adolph Hitler by declaring that he [Smith] sees the good in everyone, including Hitler.

"Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘Let me do the most evil thing I can do today.’ I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good.’ Stuff like that just needs reprogramming,” Smith told the Daily Record.

Will, and how exactly to you "reprogram" the calculated mass murder and internment of six million Jews- men, women and children, not to mention homosexuals, gypsies or anyone deemed to be degenerate by the Nazi regime? Oh, and I don't know how to break it to you, but you might want to check the history books to see just how fond your buddy Hitler was of black athletes in the 1936 Olympics.

If I wasn't so infuriated by his idiotic statement, I'd be somewhat disturbed to read his quasi Scientologist use of the word "reprogramming."

Will Smith- you're an idiot, and sadly because you're such a famous face, you're in fact a dangerous idiot. Time for you and your Scientology dipped crew to step away from the limelight. The world has enough miseducation, racism and Holocaust deniers without your feeding fuel to that fire. One imagines that you suspect that those misguided men who wear pointy white hats and burn crosses are equally in need of "reprogramming."

As you were.

Knocked Up

A new round of pregnancies is rocking Hollywood and frankly, it makes me yearn for words like 'Childless by choice.'

So even if you operate under the assumption that even the tweeniest of celebs lie about their age by a year or two, what's the oldest that hoochie-in-training met her baby daddy in church Jamie Lynn Spears can be- 17 1/2? And already she's in the family way, as in following the esteemed path of her older train wreck of a sister. Thankfully, the powers that be have put Momma Lynne Spears book on parenting tips on permanent hiatus.

As for you Lily 'I'm in a rebound relationship/my career is moving rapidly towards the crapper/I can't keep the weight off so I might as well gain some legally' Allen, why? why oh why do you think a baby is in any way shape or form a good career or life move for you? Couldn't you just assume the mantle of one hit wonderness graciously and leave us about our business? The thought of you materni-frocking it makes me shiver in advance fear.

And you Jessica 'hot but talentless' Alba, did you not notice that it is in fact you who are the 'cash' cow in your relationship and not your named in Vegas boyfriend Cash Warren? What could you have been thinking? Oh, that Aguilera girl got all the headlines, I'll try gestational headline grabbing tactics and see where it takes me?

Sarah Silverman's mama-logue for next year's MTV awards just wrote itself.

As you were.....

The Biggest Bigamist

Oh poo, don't hate me because I haven't been a dutiful blogger. I'm trying to take care of some last minute life emergencies and being amusing to thousands of strangers on a daily basis sadly fell by the wayside for a bit. I promise to be more faithful in the future. And just in case I'm not more faithful as promised, there is a little something called archives you know!

A 26 year old Miami woman has apparently been accused of marrying 10 men.
At the same time.
For those of us who have a bit of hardship getting even one man to commit we beseech you Eunice Lopez, to tell us your secret.

"I can tell you that none of the individuals she married had any type of residency," said Terry Chavez, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade office of the state attorney.

Prosecutors say she charged her husbands an unspecified amount to help them secure immigration status and continued asking the men for money long after the wedding, threatening to expose them if they didn't pay.

So you mean all we have to do to woo these single studs is dangle a green card in front of them? Tres romantique.

Ain't love grand?

J.R. on Jdate

It's been a dizzying week of lowbrow and, um, lowerbrow.

Britney's maybe baby daddy music producer J.R. Rotem has been discovered to have a profile on JDate, that online bastion of Jewish men unable to commit and their optimistic counterparts looking for a JMate. Did you ever notice how all the women are relentlessly perky, cordon bleu chefs, can easily rock a little black dress or faded jeans and they all *Love To Laugh*? Personally, I'd love to string up the first moron to coin that phrase. In fact, I do believe that anyone who ever uses the expression loves to laugh should be banished to New Jersey.

That said, Rotem has an equally annoying profile which reads this way. Original ad in italics, my comments in parentheses:

“Hey girls… Congrats for stumbling onto my profile - you just hit the jackpot! (if in fact your definition of hitting the jackpot involves a sleazy Hollywood hanger on) I am Jonathan, an established music producer who is having a challenging time meeting a hot Jewish girl (because I'm shtupping that used up Britney girl) with good values (who would likely choose not to date me if she did in fact possess said values). The success and visibility I have earned in the music industry keeps me surrounded by the wrong girls (gold diggers, cheap chicks, wannabe artists looking to use a guy like me for a music career, money, fame, etc - er, that was J.T.'s comment-though he seems to favor only cheap chicks ) Some personality traits that seperate [sic] me from most of the people I know in Los Angeles is a high moral code (Sorry, I hit my head on the keyboard there for a minute as I collapsed on the floor laughing) of honesty and loyalty. I would never cheat or lie to anyone I’m with (Unless it was Britney) as I believe in treating others as you would want to be treated. I think that those values (well, by values I mean that you can put a pricetag on anything) are the fundamental part of establishing a meaningful relationship. That, and intense physical attraction (attraction to the spotlight, non?) …”

One imagines then that Rotem using that walking car wreck Britney for his own nefarious purposes until he meets his own little Yentl is perfectly acceptable.

As you were....

Breast Intentions

Whoever said that porn stars don't have hearts of gold beating under their implants was wrong gosh darn it! Pornista turned political wannabe (is there really a difference?) Mary Carey, who sorta/kinda resembles Mariah Carey and ran for office against Arnold Schwarzenegger is auctioning off her autographed breast implants for charity.

Now, Carey admits to being anti-surgery, so much so that she replaced the removed 36D implants with 36DDDs. But wait. There's more. Any monies raised will be split between the Susan Komen breast cancer foundation, and paying off her mother's medical bills (incurred after porn mom jumped out of a window). Carey's altruism knows no bounds "I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

Sorry. I had to wipe away a tear.
This scintillating bit of non news was brought to you courtesy of Reuters, no really.

As you were.....

The Grinch That Stole Hanukkah

Does anyone actually care about what Christopher Hitchens has to say about the holidays? Yes Chris (you might want to change that first name you know, it has all kinds of religious connotations- Karl might work better for you sweetie) we get that it's all a bunch of hokum and opiate for the masses, why belabor your point? (over and over and over and then over again.)

Hitchens' latest rant on Slate attacks Hanukkah/Chanukah, the most pleasant of Jewish holidays- you know, the one where you don't have to fast or beg for forgiveness, but rather eat chocolate coins and exchange gifts. Hitchens' argument is basically flawed and berates the ancient Jews for not having capitulated to the Greek way of life- um, at the point of a sword there Chrissie, Jihadism through culture - in case you didn't notice. I'm guessing you won't be rejecting your rejection of all organized religion simply to evolve from a curmudgeonly one trick pony to an evolved human being now either?

Hitchens has become as boring as Shalom Auslander, he of the mutilated foreskin and single minded commentary on his misbegotten youth, who once made us laugh, but now makes us yawn or cringe depending on if he's ranting about his life or his relationship with his father. We get it Shalom, it doesn't work for you- time to move on.

While we're on the Festival of Lights bandwagon, you might want to check out a kinder, gentler skewing courtesy of Laura Zigman on *we don't pay our writers, but we still consider ourselves a legitimate news resource* blog Huffington Post.

My advice for this crowd is to step away from the menorah. They'd never skewer Diwali or Kwanzaa, for fear of offending an easily offended audience, but instead retread tired and inaccurate arguments to make inaccurate points. Chris- you're sooooo going to be getting coal in your stocking this year.

As you were....

And The Winner Is....

Who the hell knows? Reminiscent of the Marisa Tomei debacle and the did she/didn't she really win the Oscar for 'My Cousin Vinny,' California beauty pageants have a lot of 'splainin to do. It would seem that an accounting error was responsible for California crowning and then frowning upon initial Miss California winner Christina Silver, until judges discovered that someone called Raquel Beezley was the actual winner. Then again, the website offers congratulations to someone named Meagan Tandy, so it would seem that Cali beauty pageants are making like Hugh Hefner and choosing three fluffy females for the price of one. Um, not that anyone actually cares about beauty pageants- but if we did, we'd be amused by this one.

Additional kudos of the dubious variety go to Lindsay Lohan who was crowned Hollywood's dumbest person by the Daily News in direct response to Entertainment Weekly's list of the smartest people in Hollywood. I could go into a rant about how oxymoronic all of this is, but I think it would be easier and more fun if you draw the conclusions on your own.

Uh huh.
Yup.
You're right.

As you were.....

Celebrity Navel Gazing

The blogosphere has frequently been accused of spawning a generation of users who do nothing more than elaborate and yawn inducing navel gazing. Well, add boring celebrity by default Elizabeth Hasselbeck to the mix. Apparently, Hasselbeck is so desperate for mommy and me type material, that she recently blogged about her baby son's belly button. Hasselbeck regaled her [tightly]rapt audience with tidbits that included finding her son's belly button cord on the floor and being unsure if she should save it- or vacuum it up.

Now keep in mind that while the writer's strike rages on, somewhere, somehow this woman is actually compensated for writing this crap.

As you were....

But Are His Hands Soft?

You'll soon be able to replace your battery operated boyfriends with a full sized version.

Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, recently unveiled Twendy-One, an E.T. lookalike robot that has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch. T.On can also pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot. For this price tag the robot put toast on a plate and fetched ketchup from a fridge when asked, after greeting its patient for the demonstration with a robotic "good morning" and "bon appetit."

Ultimately the robot will become an assistant to the ill for elderly, but for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.

"The robot is so complicated that even for us, it's difficult to get it to move," Sugano said.

So to recap: It has soft hands, helps get ketchup, says "good morning" and "bon apetit" and has approximately 15 minutes run time before overheating. Sounds like my boyfriend.

I don't know about you, but for about 15 bucks and two AA batteries you can have a mechanical friend that's cheaper, easier to use and and a lot more reliable.

As you were....

Who's Their Daddy?

Details Magazine has officially veered wildly away from vague hip territory and into full fledged tabloid status in naming Kevin Federline one of their “50 Most Influential Men Under 45.″ Cover boy K.Fed ranked No. 7 on the magazine’s list, along other paternal luminaries such as Larry Birkhead, the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy. One shudders to imagine just who exactly these 5o men are supposed to be influencing.

Details editor in chief Dan Peres gushed “Here is the person who people think of as this universal joke, who has oddly emerged as father of the year,” he continued “The kids would go running to him and were very warm and very well behaved.” The Fedster modestly declared "To be a father is … everything. It shows me how little I am.”

I'm sure that Shar Jackson, the woman who was 7 months pregnant with Federline's child when he left her for Spears kinda sorta agrees- with the latter statement.

I for one cannot contain my excitement in anticipation of Details 50 tastemakers - I'm guessing that O.J. Simpson and Hitler wannabe Achmadinijad will be jockeying for top spot.

As you were....

Bindi Raps. The Rest Of Us Gag.

Terri Irwin have you learned nothing from Dina Lohan? Ye Gods woman, your little snapper Bindi, is barely over grieving the loss of her croc hunting father and you've already got this pig tailed tot white girl rapping on the Today show? (with backup dancers The Crocmen, no less). For shame.

In what might be the single most gag reflex challenging stage mother orchestrated stunt, little Bindi Irwin has taken on a new career- this at the tender age of nine. Irwin the tiny is set to release a new hip-hop single next week called "Trouble in the Jungle" with the fairly awful refrain of : "I'm afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me, There’s trouble in the jungle/there’s trouble in the jungle/ We find that mankind is not so kind at all."

I'm afraid of stage mothers who pimp their youngsters for a chance of reflected glory. Let the kid be a kid and maybe try something radical for a change Terri, like I don't know, your own career perhaps? Mkay?

As you were....

Even More Sex In This City

Did you hear that? That was the sound of me finally packing my suitcases to move out of town.

Everyone's favorite celebutard Paris Hilton has announced that she's leaving L.A. in the hopes of meeting an eligible man in N.Y.C. Now the logic does kinda, sorta fit. I mean, New York has been described at the town where men consider a BJ to be the social equivalent of a handshake, in that regard, Ms. Hilton should be rather adept at networking and making new friends - probably at the same time.

To further add to the barfosity of the situation, it would seem that [slums of] Paris has her [color enhanced contact lens wearing] eye set on a 4,500 square foot, four bedroom 6 1/2 bath condo at Trump Park Avenue, with an asking price of $7.8 million. Did you happen to catch that 6 1/2 bathroom thang? At least she realizes she's as full of crap as the rest of us already suspected.

As you were....

Things I'm Thankful For...

As I slowly emerge from my tryptophan induced Thanksgiving turkey coma, I realize that there's a lot that I have to be really and truly grateful for- and not in an Oprah shilling her favorite gifts/best advertisers sort of a way.

In no particular order I'm thankful that:

I don't have a mother in law - my mother always told me to marry an orphan and based on what I've seen of my friends' mothers in law this seems like a very wise suggestion.

I don't have a husband sitting on the couch, scratching his nether regions after indulging in too much stuffing and before indulging in too much televised sports.

I won't be near any retail emporiums today and can easily avoid the insane rush to retail and urge to purchase ugly items at bizarre discounts.

On a weepier note and by a really strange twist of fate, this past week I reconnected with the first boy that I ever really loved. We connected over a tragedy in his life. He's married to a former high school foe, apparently she hates me still- but that isn't the aforementioned tragedy. They lost a child last year, and while I only just heard about it, I felt that I had to contact them. I sent her a note, then him. She's not yet responded. He e-mailed me, then we e-mailed some more and then somehow at midnight we ended up talking on the phone for hours. He sounded young and funny and still had the accent that I'd lost so many years ago. He wanted to meet up, we both realized that even after all of the years, it probably wasn't safe or wise for us to be in such close physical proximity.

He was in town seeing to an ill parent. I'm in town because somehow after all of my globe trotting I ended up back where I grew up, because I'm lazy or comfortable or feel safe or anonymous here. What was weirdest isn't how we've changed over all of these years, but how nearly two decades after I broke his heart, he still sees and remembers the best parts of me. It's almost eerie to know that someone loved who I was, and that someone was strong and knew what she wanted and spoke her mind- even if I didn't know I was already or still becoming that person.

It's made me rethink things. It's made me wonder why I always fall for the wrong men, including the new boyfriend who drinks too much and has the social skills of someone on death row. It makes me wonder how I forgot that I was and am still lovable, and that men who want to change me usually can't handle me. On some awful level, I've come to accept men treating me badly, or loving men incapable of loving me back.

I finally remembered that someone once loved me as deeply as I loved them, and neither of us was scared of the depth of the emotion, and that somewhere we love each other still, under all of the grimy layers of disappointment and life.

I promise to make you laugh next time you visit, I'll just have to stop crying first.

As you were...