J.R. on Jdate

It's been a dizzying week of lowbrow and, um, lowerbrow.

Britney's maybe baby daddy music producer J.R. Rotem has been discovered to have a profile on JDate, that online bastion of Jewish men unable to commit and their optimistic counterparts looking for a JMate. Did you ever notice how all the women are relentlessly perky, cordon bleu chefs, can easily rock a little black dress or faded jeans and they all *Love To Laugh*? Personally, I'd love to string up the first moron to coin that phrase. In fact, I do believe that anyone who ever uses the expression loves to laugh should be banished to New Jersey.

That said, Rotem has an equally annoying profile which reads this way. Original ad in italics, my comments in parentheses:

“Hey girls… Congrats for stumbling onto my profile - you just hit the jackpot! (if in fact your definition of hitting the jackpot involves a sleazy Hollywood hanger on) I am Jonathan, an established music producer who is having a challenging time meeting a hot Jewish girl (because I'm shtupping that used up Britney girl) with good values (who would likely choose not to date me if she did in fact possess said values). The success and visibility I have earned in the music industry keeps me surrounded by the wrong girls (gold diggers, cheap chicks, wannabe artists looking to use a guy like me for a music career, money, fame, etc - er, that was J.T.'s comment-though he seems to favor only cheap chicks ) Some personality traits that seperate [sic] me from most of the people I know in Los Angeles is a high moral code (Sorry, I hit my head on the keyboard there for a minute as I collapsed on the floor laughing) of honesty and loyalty. I would never cheat or lie to anyone I’m with (Unless it was Britney) as I believe in treating others as you would want to be treated. I think that those values (well, by values I mean that you can put a pricetag on anything) are the fundamental part of establishing a meaningful relationship. That, and intense physical attraction (attraction to the spotlight, non?) …”

One imagines then that Rotem using that walking car wreck Britney for his own nefarious purposes until he meets his own little Yentl is perfectly acceptable.

As you were....

The Ick Factor +Celebrity Panty Drive

The first shock was when we discovered that Christina Aguilera was pregnant- no! surely you jest! we thought that tummy was a result of too many burritos. Now just in case you still thought that the over the top Xtina was a tranny under all of that spackle, The civic minded mother to be was determined to present compelling proof otherwise. She displayed her should be kept private privates in the way of a most elegant panty-less night out on the town with husband Jordan Bratman.

Oh where to begin? Christina, we never thought you were sexy, just sleazy and screechy-- though professionally a lot savvier than your knicker-less, equally fertile Mickey Mouse counterpart Britney.

But what's with the famous females very public fatwa on undies? We know you're feeling fat and frumpy, but please, we don't want to see your lady garden- not now, not ever.

Could it be that like the newly broke Lindsay Lohan, Xtina has spent all her money on hair color and high heels and is now actually too broke to afford panties? If that is the case then I propose that this holiday season while we gather around in our soon to be foreclosed on family homesteads we all remember what we should be thankful for- celebrities of minimal talent but maximum mockability.

During this season of giving thanks, we must be grateful for talents so mediocre that we can save ourselves thousands of dollars annually on music purchases and concert tickets. I propose that we start a non profit dedicated to providing our favorite female celebrities with undergarments - we can call it Panties for Popstars.

As you were....

Whoops They've Done It Again- Maxim Names Unsexiest Women

Poor Britney, like she isn't having a bad enough year, what with the massive career and life meltdown and all, now Maxim magazine has named her one of the unsexiest women of the year. Topping the list is Sarah Jessica Parker and padding the center are Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Madonna.

Now, I won't go all feminist on your ass about this decision, since I'll probably treat you to that in my real incarnation. I will say though that Maxim is not known for celebrating or highlighting anything that even remotely resembles true beauty in women, and since their recent makeover they've gotten even more spiteful and childish.

What I'd really like to see are the publicity shots for the sure to be pot bellied and balding, gay or aging frat boys who made this decision for Maxim.

(though to be fair, their scariest faces of celebrities feature is wicked funny)

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Panties For Peace

I like the Dalai Lama a lot. As exiled living icons of protest go, he's funny, attractive, well spoken and best of all single! (yes, I realize that he's also celibate and a monk, but he'd be great to take to parties). Also, his wardrobe is a bit too Rome first season, but show me a perfectly dressed man without the help of a wife or girlfriend, and I'll introduce you to the next Village Person. (Exceptions are made however for the label loving pope and his red patent Prada shoes, I mean really, he has to wear a white dress most of the time, of course he's going to try to accessorize well).

Anyway, one would imagine that His Holiness is cringing at the new Panties for Peace campaign meant to pressure Burma's military regime. The maneuver is meant to be "a calculated insult to the junta and its leader, General Than Shwe. Superstitious junta members believe that any contact with female undergarments - clean or dirty - will sap them of their power, said Jackie Pollack, a member of the Lanna Action for Burma Committee." Then again, I think that thongs are a calculated insult to women everywhere, with that tiny, painful floss creeping into my nether regions- honestly, there's no crime nor military regime against VPL, but I digress.

A message on the activists' website reads (I couldn't get into the website, so I can't confirm): "This is your chance to use your Panty Power to take away the power from the SPDC. You can post, deliver or fling your panties at the closest Burmese Embassy any day from today. Send early, send often."

I think there's a message to be sent to tyrannical despots, I'm just not sure that it should be done with lingerie. Then again, who knew that Britney and Paris's bare ladygarden's were actually strong (shaved) political statements?

As you were....
(thanks S.K. for the tip)