The Ick Factor +Celebrity Panty Drive

The first shock was when we discovered that Christina Aguilera was pregnant- no! surely you jest! we thought that tummy was a result of too many burritos. Now just in case you still thought that the over the top Xtina was a tranny under all of that spackle, The civic minded mother to be was determined to present compelling proof otherwise. She displayed her should be kept private privates in the way of a most elegant panty-less night out on the town with husband Jordan Bratman.

Oh where to begin? Christina, we never thought you were sexy, just sleazy and screechy-- though professionally a lot savvier than your knicker-less, equally fertile Mickey Mouse counterpart Britney.

But what's with the famous females very public fatwa on undies? We know you're feeling fat and frumpy, but please, we don't want to see your lady garden- not now, not ever.

Could it be that like the newly broke Lindsay Lohan, Xtina has spent all her money on hair color and high heels and is now actually too broke to afford panties? If that is the case then I propose that this holiday season while we gather around in our soon to be foreclosed on family homesteads we all remember what we should be thankful for- celebrities of minimal talent but maximum mockability.

During this season of giving thanks, we must be grateful for talents so mediocre that we can save ourselves thousands of dollars annually on music purchases and concert tickets. I propose that we start a non profit dedicated to providing our favorite female celebrities with undergarments - we can call it Panties for Popstars.

As you were....

Never Let A Famous Person Name Your Baby

Mila Jovovich has given birth to a baby girl and of all the glorious names in the universe, she's chosen to call her simply 'Ever.' Now it's not as offensive as Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee, you named your son after these lyrics 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'? I for one can't wait to see the tantrums this young 'un throws in a few years) or as hideous as Princess Tiaammi, but it is all kinds of silly- as is our growing fascination with celebrity pregnancies.

In fact, it's been creeping me out as of late how the celebrity news media can analyze a female star's midriff to the extent that an extra french fry at lunch becomes a suspected baby bump. While celebrity babies can definitely be used to rack up the column inches and clean up someone's image (Yes Nicole *famous for no reason* Richie- we're all looking at you) like Christina Aguilera's stoic new push towards celebrity sainthood and J.Lo's giggling non-admission of gestation, they're usually a really smart career move and most excellent photo opportunity. Seriously, in these cases it's usually a case of life imitating art- have a sitcom that's suffering? Add a new baby and you'll schlep it out for at least another season. Nervous that your (insert your favorite vanity project here) won't sell to the masses? Get knocked up and they'll queue up to catch the slightest glimpse of you in your expanding glory.

And, Brangelina, *we're just a normal family* you'll really have to make sure that the paparazzi are more clever with their editing- we can see your slew of nannies and mannies in the background of every pic.

Now leave me alone, I'm off to coo over pictures of Suri Cruise waiting for mom Katie Holmes at the NYC Marathon yesterday.

As You Were....