But Are His Hands Soft?

You'll soon be able to replace your battery operated boyfriends with a full sized version.

Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, recently unveiled Twendy-One, an E.T. lookalike robot that has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch. T.On can also pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot. For this price tag the robot put toast on a plate and fetched ketchup from a fridge when asked, after greeting its patient for the demonstration with a robotic "good morning" and "bon appetit."

Ultimately the robot will become an assistant to the ill for elderly, but for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.

"The robot is so complicated that even for us, it's difficult to get it to move," Sugano said.

So to recap: It has soft hands, helps get ketchup, says "good morning" and "bon apetit" and has approximately 15 minutes run time before overheating. Sounds like my boyfriend.

I don't know about you, but for about 15 bucks and two AA batteries you can have a mechanical friend that's cheaper, easier to use and and a lot more reliable.

As you were....

Who's Their Daddy?

Details Magazine has officially veered wildly away from vague hip territory and into full fledged tabloid status in naming Kevin Federline one of their “50 Most Influential Men Under 45.″ Cover boy K.Fed ranked No. 7 on the magazine’s list, along other paternal luminaries such as Larry Birkhead, the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy. One shudders to imagine just who exactly these 5o men are supposed to be influencing.

Details editor in chief Dan Peres gushed “Here is the person who people think of as this universal joke, who has oddly emerged as father of the year,” he continued “The kids would go running to him and were very warm and very well behaved.” The Fedster modestly declared "To be a father is … everything. It shows me how little I am.”

I'm sure that Shar Jackson, the woman who was 7 months pregnant with Federline's child when he left her for Spears kinda sorta agrees- with the latter statement.

I for one cannot contain my excitement in anticipation of Details 50 tastemakers - I'm guessing that O.J. Simpson and Hitler wannabe Achmadinijad will be jockeying for top spot.

As you were....

Bindi Raps. The Rest Of Us Gag.

Terri Irwin have you learned nothing from Dina Lohan? Ye Gods woman, your little snapper Bindi, is barely over grieving the loss of her croc hunting father and you've already got this pig tailed tot white girl rapping on the Today show? (with backup dancers The Crocmen, no less). For shame.

In what might be the single most gag reflex challenging stage mother orchestrated stunt, little Bindi Irwin has taken on a new career- this at the tender age of nine. Irwin the tiny is set to release a new hip-hop single next week called "Trouble in the Jungle" with the fairly awful refrain of : "I'm afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me, There’s trouble in the jungle/there’s trouble in the jungle/ We find that mankind is not so kind at all."

I'm afraid of stage mothers who pimp their youngsters for a chance of reflected glory. Let the kid be a kid and maybe try something radical for a change Terri, like I don't know, your own career perhaps? Mkay?

As you were....

Even More Sex In This City

Did you hear that? That was the sound of me finally packing my suitcases to move out of town.

Everyone's favorite celebutard Paris Hilton has announced that she's leaving L.A. in the hopes of meeting an eligible man in N.Y.C. Now the logic does kinda, sorta fit. I mean, New York has been described at the town where men consider a BJ to be the social equivalent of a handshake, in that regard, Ms. Hilton should be rather adept at networking and making new friends - probably at the same time.

To further add to the barfosity of the situation, it would seem that [slums of] Paris has her [color enhanced contact lens wearing] eye set on a 4,500 square foot, four bedroom 6 1/2 bath condo at Trump Park Avenue, with an asking price of $7.8 million. Did you happen to catch that 6 1/2 bathroom thang? At least she realizes she's as full of crap as the rest of us already suspected.

As you were....

Things I'm Thankful For...

As I slowly emerge from my tryptophan induced Thanksgiving turkey coma, I realize that there's a lot that I have to be really and truly grateful for- and not in an Oprah shilling her favorite gifts/best advertisers sort of a way.

In no particular order I'm thankful that:

I don't have a mother in law - my mother always told me to marry an orphan and based on what I've seen of my friends' mothers in law this seems like a very wise suggestion.

I don't have a husband sitting on the couch, scratching his nether regions after indulging in too much stuffing and before indulging in too much televised sports.

I won't be near any retail emporiums today and can easily avoid the insane rush to retail and urge to purchase ugly items at bizarre discounts.

On a weepier note and by a really strange twist of fate, this past week I reconnected with the first boy that I ever really loved. We connected over a tragedy in his life. He's married to a former high school foe, apparently she hates me still- but that isn't the aforementioned tragedy. They lost a child last year, and while I only just heard about it, I felt that I had to contact them. I sent her a note, then him. She's not yet responded. He e-mailed me, then we e-mailed some more and then somehow at midnight we ended up talking on the phone for hours. He sounded young and funny and still had the accent that I'd lost so many years ago. He wanted to meet up, we both realized that even after all of the years, it probably wasn't safe or wise for us to be in such close physical proximity.

He was in town seeing to an ill parent. I'm in town because somehow after all of my globe trotting I ended up back where I grew up, because I'm lazy or comfortable or feel safe or anonymous here. What was weirdest isn't how we've changed over all of these years, but how nearly two decades after I broke his heart, he still sees and remembers the best parts of me. It's almost eerie to know that someone loved who I was, and that someone was strong and knew what she wanted and spoke her mind- even if I didn't know I was already or still becoming that person.

It's made me rethink things. It's made me wonder why I always fall for the wrong men, including the new boyfriend who drinks too much and has the social skills of someone on death row. It makes me wonder how I forgot that I was and am still lovable, and that men who want to change me usually can't handle me. On some awful level, I've come to accept men treating me badly, or loving men incapable of loving me back.

I finally remembered that someone once loved me as deeply as I loved them, and neither of us was scared of the depth of the emotion, and that somewhere we love each other still, under all of the grimy layers of disappointment and life.

I promise to make you laugh next time you visit, I'll just have to stop crying first.

As you were...

The Ick Factor +Celebrity Panty Drive

The first shock was when we discovered that Christina Aguilera was pregnant- no! surely you jest! we thought that tummy was a result of too many burritos. Now just in case you still thought that the over the top Xtina was a tranny under all of that spackle, The civic minded mother to be was determined to present compelling proof otherwise. She displayed her should be kept private privates in the way of a most elegant panty-less night out on the town with husband Jordan Bratman.

Oh where to begin? Christina, we never thought you were sexy, just sleazy and screechy-- though professionally a lot savvier than your knicker-less, equally fertile Mickey Mouse counterpart Britney.

But what's with the famous females very public fatwa on undies? We know you're feeling fat and frumpy, but please, we don't want to see your lady garden- not now, not ever.

Could it be that like the newly broke Lindsay Lohan, Xtina has spent all her money on hair color and high heels and is now actually too broke to afford panties? If that is the case then I propose that this holiday season while we gather around in our soon to be foreclosed on family homesteads we all remember what we should be thankful for- celebrities of minimal talent but maximum mockability.

During this season of giving thanks, we must be grateful for talents so mediocre that we can save ourselves thousands of dollars annually on music purchases and concert tickets. I propose that we start a non profit dedicated to providing our favorite female celebrities with undergarments - we can call it Panties for Popstars.

As you were....

Looey Vooey Lawsuit

Poor Brit Brit. As if her life couldn't get any more tragic, what with the bad hair and worse taste in men, (What? You thought I'd tread on Sarah Silverman territory and mention those poor babies?) according to the AP, luxury goods manufacturer Louis Vuitton has just won a lawsuit that alleged a Britney Spears video violated counterfeiting laws by showcasing a faux pink Vuitton-upholstered dashboard.

A Paris civil court ordered Sony BMG and MTV Online to stop broadcasting or marketing the Brit vid for "Do Something" in any form and fined them 80,000 euros ($117,000) apiece, a spokeswoman for Paris-based Louis Vuitton said Monday. The ruling was handed down last week.

The court did not find Spears herself guilty but ruled that Sony BMG and MTV Online were guilty of violating counterfeiting laws. The ruling said the video constituted an "attack" on Louis Vuitton's brands and its luxury image, the spokeswoman said.

That would be the same brand that during WWII collaborated with the Nazis and had a very image conscious sign at the entrance of the flagship store in Paris that said "No dogs. No Jews," right?

As You Were....