Things I'm Thankful For...

As I slowly emerge from my tryptophan induced Thanksgiving turkey coma, I realize that there's a lot that I have to be really and truly grateful for- and not in an Oprah shilling her favorite gifts/best advertisers sort of a way.

In no particular order I'm thankful that:

I don't have a mother in law - my mother always told me to marry an orphan and based on what I've seen of my friends' mothers in law this seems like a very wise suggestion.

I don't have a husband sitting on the couch, scratching his nether regions after indulging in too much stuffing and before indulging in too much televised sports.

I won't be near any retail emporiums today and can easily avoid the insane rush to retail and urge to purchase ugly items at bizarre discounts.

On a weepier note and by a really strange twist of fate, this past week I reconnected with the first boy that I ever really loved. We connected over a tragedy in his life. He's married to a former high school foe, apparently she hates me still- but that isn't the aforementioned tragedy. They lost a child last year, and while I only just heard about it, I felt that I had to contact them. I sent her a note, then him. She's not yet responded. He e-mailed me, then we e-mailed some more and then somehow at midnight we ended up talking on the phone for hours. He sounded young and funny and still had the accent that I'd lost so many years ago. He wanted to meet up, we both realized that even after all of the years, it probably wasn't safe or wise for us to be in such close physical proximity.

He was in town seeing to an ill parent. I'm in town because somehow after all of my globe trotting I ended up back where I grew up, because I'm lazy or comfortable or feel safe or anonymous here. What was weirdest isn't how we've changed over all of these years, but how nearly two decades after I broke his heart, he still sees and remembers the best parts of me. It's almost eerie to know that someone loved who I was, and that someone was strong and knew what she wanted and spoke her mind- even if I didn't know I was already or still becoming that person.

It's made me rethink things. It's made me wonder why I always fall for the wrong men, including the new boyfriend who drinks too much and has the social skills of someone on death row. It makes me wonder how I forgot that I was and am still lovable, and that men who want to change me usually can't handle me. On some awful level, I've come to accept men treating me badly, or loving men incapable of loving me back.

I finally remembered that someone once loved me as deeply as I loved them, and neither of us was scared of the depth of the emotion, and that somewhere we love each other still, under all of the grimy layers of disappointment and life.

I promise to make you laugh next time you visit, I'll just have to stop crying first.

As you were...