Wednesday, November 28, 2007

But Are His Hands Soft?

You'll soon be able to replace your battery operated boyfriends with a full sized version.

Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, recently unveiled Twendy-One, an E.T. lookalike robot that has soft hands and fingers that gently grip, enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch. T.On can also pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot. For this price tag the robot put toast on a plate and fetched ketchup from a fridge when asked, after greeting its patient for the demonstration with a robotic "good morning" and "bon appetit."

Ultimately the robot will become an assistant to the ill for elderly, but for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.

"The robot is so complicated that even for us, it's difficult to get it to move," Sugano said.

So to recap: It has soft hands, helps get ketchup, says "good morning" and "bon apetit" and has approximately 15 minutes run time before overheating. Sounds like my boyfriend.

I don't know about you, but for about 15 bucks and two AA batteries you can have a mechanical friend that's cheaper, easier to use and and a lot more reliable.

As you were....

Who's Their Daddy?

Details Magazine has officially veered wildly away from vague hip territory and into full fledged tabloid status in naming Kevin Federline one of their “50 Most Influential Men Under 45.″ Cover boy K.Fed ranked No. 7 on the magazine’s list, along other paternal luminaries such as Larry Birkhead, the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy. One shudders to imagine just who exactly these 5o men are supposed to be influencing.

Details editor in chief Dan Peres gushed “Here is the person who people think of as this universal joke, who has oddly emerged as father of the year,” he continued “The kids would go running to him and were very warm and very well behaved.” The Fedster modestly declared "To be a father is … everything. It shows me how little I am.”

I'm sure that Shar Jackson, the woman who was 7 months pregnant with Federline's child when he left her for Spears kinda sorta agrees- with the latter statement.

I for one cannot contain my excitement in anticipation of Details 50 tastemakers - I'm guessing that O.J. Simpson and Hitler wannabe Achmadinijad will be jockeying for top spot.

As you were....

Monday, November 26, 2007

Bindi Raps. The Rest Of Us Gag.

Terri Irwin have you learned nothing from Dina Lohan? Ye Gods woman, your little snapper Bindi, is barely over grieving the loss of her croc hunting father and you've already got this pig tailed tot white girl rapping on the Today show? (with backup dancers The Crocmen, no less). For shame.

In what might be the single most gag reflex challenging stage mother orchestrated stunt, little Bindi Irwin has taken on a new career- this at the tender age of nine. Irwin the tiny is set to release a new hip-hop single next week called "Trouble in the Jungle" with the fairly awful refrain of : "I'm afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me, There’s trouble in the jungle/there’s trouble in the jungle/ We find that mankind is not so kind at all."

I'm afraid of stage mothers who pimp their youngsters for a chance of reflected glory. Let the kid be a kid and maybe try something radical for a change Terri, like I don't know, your own career perhaps? Mkay?

As you were....

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Even More Sex In This City

Did you hear that? That was the sound of me finally packing my suitcases to move out of town.

Everyone's favorite celebutard Paris Hilton has announced that she's leaving L.A. in the hopes of meeting an eligible man in N.Y.C. Now the logic does kinda, sorta fit. I mean, New York has been described at the town where men consider a BJ to be the social equivalent of a handshake, in that regard, Ms. Hilton should be rather adept at networking and making new friends - probably at the same time.

To further add to the barfosity of the situation, it would seem that [slums of] Paris has her [color enhanced contact lens wearing] eye set on a 4,500 square foot, four bedroom 6 1/2 bath condo at Trump Park Avenue, with an asking price of $7.8 million. Did you happen to catch that 6 1/2 bathroom thang? At least she realizes she's as full of crap as the rest of us already suspected.

As you were....

Friday, November 23, 2007

Things I'm Thankful For...

As I slowly emerge from my tryptophan induced Thanksgiving turkey coma, I realize that there's a lot that I have to be really and truly grateful for- and not in an Oprah shilling her favorite gifts/best advertisers sort of a way.

In no particular order I'm thankful that:

I don't have a mother in law - my mother always told me to marry an orphan and based on what I've seen of my friends' mothers in law this seems like a very wise suggestion.

I don't have a husband sitting on the couch, scratching his nether regions after indulging in too much stuffing and before indulging in too much televised sports.

I won't be near any retail emporiums today and can easily avoid the insane rush to retail and urge to purchase ugly items at bizarre discounts.

On a weepier note and by a really strange twist of fate, this past week I reconnected with the first boy that I ever really loved. We connected over a tragedy in his life. He's married to a former high school foe, apparently she hates me still- but that isn't the aforementioned tragedy. They lost a child last year, and while I only just heard about it, I felt that I had to contact them. I sent her a note, then him. She's not yet responded. He e-mailed me, then we e-mailed some more and then somehow at midnight we ended up talking on the phone for hours. He sounded young and funny and still had the accent that I'd lost so many years ago. He wanted to meet up, we both realized that even after all of the years, it probably wasn't safe or wise for us to be in such close physical proximity.

He was in town seeing to an ill parent. I'm in town because somehow after all of my globe trotting I ended up back where I grew up, because I'm lazy or comfortable or feel safe or anonymous here. What was weirdest isn't how we've changed over all of these years, but how nearly two decades after I broke his heart, he still sees and remembers the best parts of me. It's almost eerie to know that someone loved who I was, and that someone was strong and knew what she wanted and spoke her mind- even if I didn't know I was already or still becoming that person.

It's made me rethink things. It's made me wonder why I always fall for the wrong men, including the new boyfriend who drinks too much and has the social skills of someone on death row. It makes me wonder how I forgot that I was and am still lovable, and that men who want to change me usually can't handle me. On some awful level, I've come to accept men treating me badly, or loving men incapable of loving me back.

I finally remembered that someone once loved me as deeply as I loved them, and neither of us was scared of the depth of the emotion, and that somewhere we love each other still, under all of the grimy layers of disappointment and life.

I promise to make you laugh next time you visit, I'll just have to stop crying first.

As you were...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Ick Factor +Celebrity Panty Drive

The first shock was when we discovered that Christina Aguilera was pregnant- no! surely you jest! we thought that tummy was a result of too many burritos. Now just in case you still thought that the over the top Xtina was a tranny under all of that spackle, The civic minded mother to be was determined to present compelling proof otherwise. She displayed her should be kept private privates in the way of a most elegant panty-less night out on the town with husband Jordan Bratman.

Oh where to begin? Christina, we never thought you were sexy, just sleazy and screechy-- though professionally a lot savvier than your knicker-less, equally fertile Mickey Mouse counterpart Britney.

But what's with the famous females very public fatwa on undies? We know you're feeling fat and frumpy, but please, we don't want to see your lady garden- not now, not ever.

Could it be that like the newly broke Lindsay Lohan, Xtina has spent all her money on hair color and high heels and is now actually too broke to afford panties? If that is the case then I propose that this holiday season while we gather around in our soon to be foreclosed on family homesteads we all remember what we should be thankful for- celebrities of minimal talent but maximum mockability.

During this season of giving thanks, we must be grateful for talents so mediocre that we can save ourselves thousands of dollars annually on music purchases and concert tickets. I propose that we start a non profit dedicated to providing our favorite female celebrities with undergarments - we can call it Panties for Popstars.

As you were....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Looey Vooey Lawsuit

Poor Brit Brit. As if her life couldn't get any more tragic, what with the bad hair and worse taste in men, (What? You thought I'd tread on Sarah Silverman territory and mention those poor babies?) according to the AP, luxury goods manufacturer Louis Vuitton has just won a lawsuit that alleged a Britney Spears video violated counterfeiting laws by showcasing a faux pink Vuitton-upholstered dashboard.

A Paris civil court ordered Sony BMG and MTV Online to stop broadcasting or marketing the Brit vid for "Do Something" in any form and fined them 80,000 euros ($117,000) apiece, a spokeswoman for Paris-based Louis Vuitton said Monday. The ruling was handed down last week.

The court did not find Spears herself guilty but ruled that Sony BMG and MTV Online were guilty of violating counterfeiting laws. The ruling said the video constituted an "attack" on Louis Vuitton's brands and its luxury image, the spokeswoman said.

That would be the same brand that during WWII collaborated with the Nazis and had a very image conscious sign at the entrance of the flagship store in Paris that said "No dogs. No Jews," right?

As You Were....

MSNBC Is A Bitter Old Maid- In A Good Way

Their priceless headline about the high price of gold affecting holiday gift buying is:

Gold diggers may not get jewelry for holidays

The article then goes on to talk about gold being over $800.00 an ounce and how this is pricing some hopeful gift buying Romeos out of the market. Luckily, we fabulous old maids buy our own trinkets and don't rely on the once a year bauble round-up. And no, we don't need you to declare right hand rings acceptable to us, we've already got arm loads full.

As You Were....

Sunday, November 18, 2007


In what was surely not a manufactured ploy to get invitations to parties and/or a movie deal, nor to pimp their respective employers companies, you will be shocked, nay absolutely flabbergasted to discover that Patrick Moberg the line drawing boy who saw a girl on the subway and then lost and then found her, is according to Valleywag in talks to sell the movie rights to his story!
I know!
I'm shocked too!
Did I say shocked?!!!
Prone to many exclamation points to express the sheer transparency of this obvious ploy to extend 15 seconds of fame!!!

Actually, mostly yawning at the predictability of the plot and mourning for a flick like Desperately Seeking Susan that actually had some grit and humor.

Don't you just hate these self important hipsters who crowd our subways and lay claim to our favored neighborhood haunts all the while posing and posturing and earnestly talking about web 2.0 and dreaming of appearances on Good Morning America? Of course you do - you're reading this blog.

Wait. Let's start a new campaign to get them back to Ohio -something like Cincinnati is the new Brooklyn.
No you're right, that will never work.
What about Cleveland is the new Portland? Hmmm. No that's not going to work either.

Okay. work with me on this one. In the meanwhile-
Ain't Love Grand?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Angels In Hollywood

Just in case you thought that Hollywood had any real criteria left for celebrity status or even the tiniest scrap of dignity left- the chintzy city has proven you wrong.

Earlier this week, 26 Victoria's Secret lingerie models were honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame - for, um, modeling the tiniest scraps of dignity.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing young women publicly lauded for their work efforts- just not for their implants.

Head angel Heidi Klum profoundly summed up the significance of the event by gushing about honorary Mayor Johnny Grant "Mr. Mayor is such a cutie — what a cutie! I love him," this is just the hugest honor. We love Mr. Mayor, Victoria's Secret and we love being Angels!"

The 87 year old Grant responded in his most non revolting dirty old man fashion by stating
"Oh, I've checked you out very well, "I've been looking at pictures of you in lingerie for a long time..."

Teacher says every time you hear a bell ring- a Victoria's Secret angel gets new boobs.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Call Off The National Guard

You'll be relieved to know that when Jessica Simpson flew into NYC this time she was escorted by only one bodyguard. As you may recall, the last time the Simpson sister with the fake lips not a fake nose flew into JFK, she sashayed through the airport accompanied by a six person military detail.

Now I've been giving this a lot of thought, and it occurs to me that we the unsuspecting populace should be issued our own teams- to protect ourselves from the onslaught of famous for no reason/ famous by default contingent.

Where's FEMA when you need them?

As You Were.....

Stars [barely] Behind Bars

Just in case you've been fretting that our justice system is all out of whack, you'll sleep better knowing that very scary criminal types like Lindsay Lohan are paying their debts to society.

People reports that LiLo served a 24-hour jail sentence- in a record 84 minutes due to early release policy. As part of her plea deal she'll also be required to contribute ten days of community service at an Americans Red Cross blood services facility. Which means that we'll probably have to suffer through a public service announcement of LiLo looking all kinds of serious, urging us to donate blood.

So here's where I take further offense to the system.
Linz drinks.
Linz drives.
Linz drives drunk (or was that a Hilton or a Richie? maybe both) gets caught, spends less time behind bars than theatergoers spent suffering through Georgia Rule, and now we will eventually have to pay the price by watching PSAs urging us to give blood or vote or stop taking crack?

Where's the justice in that?

As You Were....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Change Your Name Stave Off Divorce Rumors- For At Least Another Week

Let's make like the Scooby gang and piece together some celebrity clues Buffy style:
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar is Maxim magazine's woman of the year - ergo, young beer bongers and social neanderthals still find her to be hot!
  • SMG will be in 3 new movies this year, and plays a porn star in one of them
  • Mr. SMG, Freddie Prinze Jr. can't seem to cut a break on TV or in movies and as of late bears an eerie resemblance to Wayne Newton
  • Gossipy types are reporting henceforth, the vampire slayer formerly known as Ms. Gellar will now be known as Sarah Michelle Prinze- this as a 5th anniversary gift to her hubby.
Now, it's been a while since the rumor mills have been talking about divorce for these two, but I'd wager that things are teetering on precarious territory and/or Sarah just wants to appear all wifey and married and stuff, and what better way to do that than with a name change?

Though if I was going to change my name I'd probably lose the Michelle and keep the Gellar.

Ain't Love Grand?

Publicists Gone Wild

File this one under 'O' for over the top publicists trying to eclipse their clients .

Publicist Michele Elyzabeth (who has obviously been hit with both the crazy stick and the Botox stick) has apparently decided to singlehandedly provide the viewing public with her antidote to the writer's strike in the form of a video rant against media-lite figures like Joy Behar and Barbara Walters of The View.

Elyzabeth, who represents the equally excitable Heather Mills, has released a new video blog on which she takes on all those bad, nasty ladies who said mean things about Heather.

Highlights include:

**After an appearance on The View, Mills had to rush home to be with her daughter and could not do the requisite ass kissing, I mean interviews, or according to Elyzabeth 'social work.' See, so that's why the former Lady McCartney thinks she's so freakin' charitable, if being interviewed on the View is akin to social work, well then, I guess being on Dancing With The Stars is actually treading on Mother Teresa territory.
**Elyzabeth refers to Joy Behar as a "horrible human being" and declares that Barbara Walters is something of a "storyteller of a tabloid magazine." I won't necessarily argue that second point, but I'd never make it in supposed defense of a client who refers on the goodwill of said tabloid.

Anyway, there was much talk of saint Heather, and "someone as big as she is" not having an ego and all.

Now, I may not be a publicist, but I do know a thing or two about good publicity:
  • Never make your client look like a gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex
  • If you do in fact make your client look like a gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex, never release a video blog in which you make yourself, your pooch and your dubious PR buddy look even more psycho than your gold-digging-psycho with a saint complex client.
I think we've all learned something here today.

As You Were...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Grab Some Smelling Salts Before Your Read This...

In truly tragic news for gold digging spinsters everywhere, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that that Google founding billionaire Larry Page, is getting married to girlfriend Lucinda Southworth in a matter of weeks.

Now to quell your gag reflex for a moment, bear in mind that Southworth is not your standard geeky zillionaire arm candy, but holds a master's of science from Oxford University and is currently a doctoral student in biomedical informatics at Stanford University.

In May, the other Google billionaire Sergey Brin, married his longtime girlfriend, proving that in fact the (obscenely wealthy) geek does get the girl. Seriously, can't these boys do anything alone?

A moment of silence please for all of our collective dashed hopes and fortune filled fantasies.

Ain't Love Grand?

Required Feeding

Reuters Oslo reports that "Norway's largest erotic chain store was forced to change the labeling on products such as penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body paint, to comply with Norwegian food regulations."

I love this story on so many levels.

Now, where shall I begin?

Is it the fact that Norway in fact has an erotic chain store? I'm giggling as I envision really bad puns for store names like Ho Depot or Ball-Mart.

Maybe it's the fact that there is someone who collects a paycheck for analyzing the ingredients on penis pasta and declaring them to be, um, inedible by Norwegian standards.

"We were a bit surprised to have the food safety authority on inspection. Food is not really our core product," Kjersti Antonsen, a sexual adviser in the store, told a top tabloid.

Huh, ya think? You mean horny and hungry Norwegians don't actually pop over to their neighborhood erotic-arias for a nutritious and delicious penis pasta salad followed by a fun and tasty round of tasty chocolate body painting? And how do I get a job as a sexual adviser? And what does her business card look like? But I digress.

The food safety authority also said the store also breached rules of importing erotic candy, which should be reported to authorities at least 24 hours before arrival. Yeah. Right. We always ask them to warn us first- but they never ever do.

As you were...

Bring Sexy Back - Pretty Please

People magazine, required reading for MINLFs (the 'N' in this case stands for never) in the fly-over zones has declared Matt Damon to be the sexiest man alive for 2007 - this after great "campaigning" by the likes of George Clooney and #4 on the list-Brad Pitt. But wait, nipping at his heels is that sometimes cute, but mostly annoying Patrick Dempsey. Actually, come to think of it the top 10 seems to be mostly populated by craggy or pretty Hollywood daddy types with the exception of the delectable James McAvoy.

Now let's put this into perspective for a moment. An Australian newspaper recently reported on the politicians that women would most like to see naked (Thank god this wasn't an option when Al Gore was running for office). Parents magazine recently had a poll on which candidates would make the best babysitters. I guess in the realm of idiotic polls or lists, these half sexy mostly manufactured screen idols could sorta, kinda make it to the top 10 list of sexiest men alive.

Hmmm. What about sexiest dead men?

Well, to start with the literary world mourns the recent deaths of Ira Levin, author of pregnancy panic novel Rosemary's Baby and yet another reason never to get married book The Stepford Wives, nah he'd never make the list because he had more talent than looks. Recently deceased Norman Mailer set early feminists aflutter with his offensive to them statements on making sex sexy again. Nah, he was too hardcore for a glossy mag.

Okay. I'm not having much luck with these polls today, so I'll just start a new one- who would you actually vote for sexiest man alive? Preferably one who hasn't been airbrushed or been spotted in a man girdle or butt booster. (yes G.C. - I'm looking at your fine ass).

As You Were....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

More Than Just A Pretty Face

According to the Evening Echo Jessica Alba, an actress best known for being decorative, has declared that she is desperate to be known as more than a pretty face.

The actress revealed that she wants to be known as being smart. "Underneath, I'd prefer to be known for something else, like being tough or being smart. It makes me feel more confident to know I can hold my own in a fight than it does to look in the mirror and think I look beautiful."

Um, then you'd better start practicing that Krav Maga hon, cuz last I checked you have to actually be smart to be considered smart. I know in the movies all you have to do is don a pair of designer specs to play the smart girl, but real life actually relies on real knowledge- go figure!

Score one for the smart girls.

As You Were....

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Delicious Or Annoying

My little plum puddings, I have not intentionally been neglecting you, I've been on the road for a while.

Likes of the day are Tina Fey and Julia Louis Dreyfuss, picketing with the plebes. Upping in my estimation would be Nicolette Sheridan who made a well thought out and sympathetic statement on behalf of the striking writers.

Way down there would be the Serendipity folks who came up with a $25,000.00 dessert which is lots of expensive chocolate goo with all kinds of gold toppings, diamond dipped spoons and a diamond bracelet at the bottom of the dessert.

Stephen Bruce, owner of Serendipity 3 had this completely non offensive thought on the over the top confection: "I wouldn't be surprised if soon we get a call from a Middle Eastern prince or Shah willing to give something sweet to his many wives on his next trip to the city," Bruce said.

Awww, I wonder if he'd be this gracious to polygamists from our neck of the woods.

I love my chocolate as much as the next permanently PMSed gal in the city, but this takes tackiness to new depths. Next time, just dip my new Tiffany bracelet in some chocolate sauce and we can call it a day.

As You Were....

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bleached Blonde Momma

Since Xtina hasn't actually announced her pregnancy (other than the mommy remark this week), I can't actually comment on the fact that her roots are as perfectly bleached (and by perfectly- I mean hoochie blonde) as ever.

Just saying.

(Is anyone else actually nauseated by the thought of Christina Aguilera being someone's mother? I know Britney broke us in, bu I do throw up in my mouth just a little every time I think of it)

As You Were....

So Does Anyone Actually Believe That Katie Ran The Marathon?

Gotta love the triumphant photos of Katie Holmes crossing the finish line of the NYC Marathon on Sunday to hug Tom and that cute little Suri. (yes, I love the kid- get over it, I'm bitter not immune to the charm of babies).

Here are the facts as cobbled together through various sources:
  • Katie looks all kinds of relaxed at the finish line- not a bead of sweat, expression of agony or even a heavy duty sports bra in sight!
  • Katie partied later that night- in high heels. Because EVERYONE can squeeze their agonized tootsies into stilettos (okay, a medium heel since she's trying not to tower over her itty bitty hubby) after running 26.2 miles and more than that, they're also up for a party!
  • No one saw hide nor hair of her until mile 15 when Tom & Suri appeared for a photo op (though OK magazine apparently reported she'd be running weeks before the fact), and Katie's face was hidden from view for most of the time until said photo op. Now that doesn't make me think for even one second that maybe one of those nice Scientology kids was running in Katie's stead for the beginning of the race, nah- that would never happen.
I don't know, maybe I'm just overly skeptical of celebrity stunts, but I so don't believe that she actually ran the entire marathon and it just dilutes it for the (masochistic, insane adrenaline junkies) athletes who trained and deserve the recognition.

Oh, and Paula Radcliffe? We're glad that you won, really. We just still remember that pee break you took at the London Marathon.

As You Were...

Even Lance Bass Got Married Before Me

I know this isn't brand new news- but the indignity of it all. Lance Bass the openly gay former 'N Sync boy bander who just won't seem to go away, apparently married a woman- because he thought it would get him free drinks. Now, a lot of women have been accused of getting married for a meal ticket, but booze? Shudder. I can't think of any reason less compelling. (though there's a really good chance that I'd marry you if you bought me the zebra print Longchamp Rodeo luxe handbag featured in today's Times) Then again, most people forget that La Elton was married to a woman too, only that seemed to be more to sway public opinion in some way. Oh and Brad and Angie? That flimsy excuse about not getting married until the rules on gay marriage are changed and everyone who wants to get married to can? I'm guessing that if either of your flicks continue to bomb you'll probably have a commitment/mass adoption ceremony in an instant - and of course the multi-million dollar photo fee will go to the charity of your choice.

Ain't Love Grand?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Love Hotels? Now You Can By The Hour

Love Hotels, those sexy or shady shag by the hour inns prevalent throughout Japan (world capital of schoolgirl groping) are making their way to the U.K.

Now I'm not sure where I stand on this pay by the hour/love in the afternoon thang, but let's operate under the assumption that romance and its kissing cousin chivalry are dead and buried.

Let's also operate under the assumption that the idea of even spending an entire night together has become too much of a commitment for the average guy. Now he can further insult your sensibilities by saying- hey, I'm not even going to spring for an entire night's stay at a hotel, how about we cut to the chase before I decide to avoid you indefinitely and/or dump you by text for chronic fear of commitment.

Okay, maybe I'm a cynic. Perhaps these meccas of mojo are being set up for the cheating bastards to get a little love in the afternoon before doing their duty and joining their families for dinner en famiglia.

Honestly? I don't much care one way or another. Love hotels seems a little creepy and a little fun- like most of the guys that I date.

Ain't Love grand?

Celebrity Misdemeanors 101

The delectable Shia LaBeouf (yes, I know I'm old enough to be his bitter older sister, but a girl can dream) has been arrested in Chicago.

For trespassing.

In Walgreens.

Now famous people listen up. If you're trying to muss up your image and then seek redemption from the masses, you're probably going to have to glam it up just a teensy bit. Trespassing at Walgreens won't make the teens in Ohio swoon. Now, a nice fistfight over a trampy co-star- that might do it. Seriously, I know that these stories get cleaned up before they're fed to the media, but Shia, sweetheart- you're going to have to try just a teensy bit harder to up your street cred. (Though don't ever try to copy those skeevy Lohan or Spears girls)

As You Were....

Never Let A Famous Person Name Your Baby

Mila Jovovich has given birth to a baby girl and of all the glorious names in the universe, she's chosen to call her simply 'Ever.' Now it's not as offensive as Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee, you named your son after these lyrics 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'? I for one can't wait to see the tantrums this young 'un throws in a few years) or as hideous as Princess Tiaammi, but it is all kinds of silly- as is our growing fascination with celebrity pregnancies.

In fact, it's been creeping me out as of late how the celebrity news media can analyze a female star's midriff to the extent that an extra french fry at lunch becomes a suspected baby bump. While celebrity babies can definitely be used to rack up the column inches and clean up someone's image (Yes Nicole *famous for no reason* Richie- we're all looking at you) like Christina Aguilera's stoic new push towards celebrity sainthood and J.Lo's giggling non-admission of gestation, they're usually a really smart career move and most excellent photo opportunity. Seriously, in these cases it's usually a case of life imitating art- have a sitcom that's suffering? Add a new baby and you'll schlep it out for at least another season. Nervous that your (insert your favorite vanity project here) won't sell to the masses? Get knocked up and they'll queue up to catch the slightest glimpse of you in your expanding glory.

And, Brangelina, *we're just a normal family* you'll really have to make sure that the paparazzi are more clever with their editing- we can see your slew of nannies and mannies in the background of every pic.

Now leave me alone, I'm off to coo over pictures of Suri Cruise waiting for mom Katie Holmes at the NYC Marathon yesterday.

As You Were....

Friday, November 2, 2007

Naturally Posh! Naturally Thin!

File this one under G for Give me a break. Everyone's favorite Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, she of the terrifyingly tiny frame and malnourished manner is the latest to jump on the - I don't work out, I just run after my kids and that's why I'm so freakin' trim bandwagon. Apparently, she also skips the gym because it's too darn hard to figure out what to wear (this from the woman who totes a Birkin bag on the soccer field).

“I don’t do anything,” Posh purred. “I’m running around after three kids and they play soccer. They just . . . throw footballs at me and I just stand from left to right and that kind of keeps me fit.”

Victoria lovey, we've seen mothers of three in Britain and the US, and being abnormally anorexic is just not part of the job description.

Don't you wish that for once and for all famous moms would own up to their top three- starvation, implantation and self exploitation?

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers

All You Need Is Bucks....

Heather Mills (who still insists that she's 39) went off on British and then US television about estranged hubby Sir Paul McCartney and daughter Stella (I'll keep having babies in the hopes that I get more of daddy's money while simultaneously launching unfunky uninteresting yet still strangely compelling fashion lines and noone will notice that I'm only slapping my name on a label and not actually doing much of anything) McCartney.

Mills insists that the marriage fizzled because her former Beatles hubby wasn't as committed to charity as she was, and that she HAD to record all of their conversations because thousands of people depend on her. (Who? the people who voted her off Dancing with the Stars?)

“We’ve had death threats, I was never offered security.” Heather said she was prepared to use tapes of Sir Paul and her speaking to clear her name — because lives depended on her charity work.

She said: “Why do you think I’ve had to record every single conversation? Because nobody will believe me. But I have to clear my name. I’m responsible for thousands of people’s lives, that’s a fact.”

Heather tossed her hair angrily on Brit morning TV and dramatically (lots of hair tossing here) compare herself to Lady Diana and Madeline McCann's parents in terms of pain and suffering caused by the paparazzi. Scroll down and watch the video, it's entertaining if not well acted.

Mills claims there's a lot of evidence stashed in a safe somewhere. Now that I'd like to see.

Sorry one last Heatherism: On ABC’s Good Morning America, Heather said: “He promised he would protect me. I said, ‘If you don’t, my career will be ruined and will have to fight back’. But I’ve never been protected."

See, here's where I have to draw the line- what career?

As You Were...

The Princess Bride Wannabe

I'm not sure if I love or hate advice columns, since the advice in question tends to be so broad based (no pun intended) and over generalized. Dear Prudence on tends to be not to trigger my gag reflex for the most part. I'll give you the summarized version of this one, just in case you're not up for reading it- unrealistic woman wants more of a fairytale marriage- Prudie tells her to get a life. Jeez, who knew that the bridezilla phenomenon continued on after the I dos?

From a recent column:

"Dear Prudence,
I have been married for over a year now. I love my husband very much, we enjoy each other's company, and I never worry that he would cheat."
[Stuff about her kid from a previous marriage.] [Stuff about his awful childhood.] [Stuff about him never showing emotion.]

Then this: "He tells me he loves me all the time and that I'm beautiful, but I truly feel that if I left tomorrow, he wouldn't think twice about it. I'm not sure he would fight for me if it came down to it."[More self involved crap] and then: "I want to be needed and loved by him so badly. Am I selfish to want this? Perhaps I am just looking for the fairy-tale love story where the prince would die without his princess. Am I overthinking this, or should I re-evaluate our marriage? I have suggested counseling to him, but he refuses to go."

—Wanting a Prince

And Prudie's reply:

"Dear Wanting,
I think counseling could be a good idea—for you."

Hurrah for Prudie. Now if only she'd take on those engaged banshees we'd be on the right track.

Read the entire answer here.

Ain't Love Grand?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chrismukkah

While I'll miss that pouty dreamboat Ryan whateverhislastnamewas, Seth Cohen and the rest of the cuties on The O.C. this season, I'm certain that their fictional selves would be thrilled to know that the holidays are hitting a lot earlier this year. According to the AP yesterday, Halloween is barely over and already big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Toys R Us are starting their sales early and aggressive.

There was a whole lot of blah blah blah in the article about how consumers will benefit from the early sales because the pricing will be more competitive. At least that's what I think it said, my eyes start to cross when assaulted by tinsel this early in the game.

As for me, the only holiday decoration I'd like to see around these parts is a festive garland of Menorah Blahniks.

Onward Christian Dior Soldiers....

Scary Halloween Costumes Part 1

So I meandered down Sixth Avenue early yesterday. Even though it was waaay before the ghosties and ghoulies came out to play, I couldn't help but encounter one of the more terrifying get ups I've ever seen. It was the doppelganger of a single successful NYC male, but the worst cliche of said SSNYCM.

As a single woman in the city, I'm always grateful to spot an example of the SSNYCM in his natural habitat, and trust me- his plumage is always visible. My dream is to someday find a rare specimen that is not only available (no telltale golden markings or coloring encircling his left wedding ring finger) but one who shares my (skewed) faith and is capable of providing birdfeed for our future chicks. Like the elusive baby pigeons that must surely exist- because as adults billions of them converge on the city and crap on our collective well coiffed heads, said Singulus New York Cityus Mannus is mostly an urban myth. Yesterday's example was no doubt the dating fates way of playing a cruel joke on me, probably for years of dating all of those bad for you boys and struggling artistes with middle names like 'Sven' or 'Huck,' but I digress.

The guy that I saw yesterday exhibited classic behavior of the worst SSNYCM. His suit was so rumpled that it was mostly shiny, in fact it looked like a Woody Allen castoff. His beard was grizzled, his tummy generous (not that I should talk). He exuded an air of menace and ill will. He barreled down the street with complete disregard to anyone who might be in his way, all the while shouting into the cell phone clamped to his ear. Now, you may think that this was an ordinary Harvey Weinstein lookalike, but I know for a fact that this was someone all done up for Halloween because he kept shouting into his phone words that sounded like he was describing a Halloweenish black cat. In fact he kept describing a male black cat as possessing parts of the female anatomy and enhanced that description just in case the listener missed his meaning by adding that this black cat was in fact an ineffectual pussy. Over and over again. With some other bad and very impressive mogul-like words I've never heard combined much less used in broad daylight.

Harvey dear, we were very patient when you made huggy face with all those blonde boopy girls with names like Nicole and Renee, but this public rudeness is such a turn off- and that jacket will have to go!

As You Were....